So you’ve met a guy and you’re wondering where he’s at.
It happens to every girl at some point.
The problem is when you get an answer you don’t like: he’s not serious about you and you’re about to get played.
Here’s how to know if that’s about to happen and what you can do about it.
15 clear signs he’s not serious about you (and what you can do about it)
1) He refuses to commit or define your relationship
Nobody likes to be pressured about how they feel when they’re dating.
It’s awkward and weird.
But when you’ve been together awhile and shared a lot of special moments, it’s fair for you to wonder how he’s feeling and where your relationship is at.
That’s when the rubber meets the road.
Because a guy who’s not serious about you will respond to this topic like a vampire to sunlight.
He’ll run as fast as he can to avoid discussing it and look like he just swallowed a sour lemon for breakfast.
He doesn’t want any part of talking about commitment or the status of your relationship.
You can tell yourself he’s just love-shy and has commitment issues, but it’s far more likely he’s just not that into you.
2) You don’t come first for him
Life gets busy and schedules change.
Everyone knows that.
But there’s a huge difference between having to sometimes change plans or cancel a date and being constantly put on the backburner.
If you’re looking for clear signs he’s not serious about you then look no further than how he prioritizes you.
If you always seem to come last it’s because you’re not very important to him. He is just wasting your time.
There are plenty of excuses about why but at the end of the day a man who truly values you will move heaven and earth to be there for you.
When you consistently find that you’re being reshelved and left in the dust, there’s a reason for that.
The reason is he’s not serious about you and doesn’t care much if he loses you.
Harsh, but true…
3) You’re not exactly sure where you stand
If you feel like your relationship is being dragged in one direction without any clear way to navigate it, then he’s likely not ready for something serious.
To be honest, this isn’t the kind of connection that needs nurturing!
Unfortunately, when our relationships aren’t moving forward as we hope they will, it can feel nearly impossible to identify what steps should be taken next.
Even close friends are sometimes unable to give an unbiased opinion.
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4) His friends don’t know who you are
You’re dating him, not his friends.
I totally get that.
But what I don’t get is when a man doesn’t even introduce the girl he’s dating to any of his friends or tell them about her.
It’s bizarre and it’s not what somebody does when they’ve met a woman they care about.
It shows that he basically considers you a side piece or someone he can just string along.
There’s a real lack of respect in this because failing to even casually mention that he’s been seeing someone or anything about you is acting like you don’t exist.
It’s offensive and hurtful, and it’s a strong sign that he doesn’t want something serious with you.
“Another bad sign, he hasn’t introduced you to his ‘bros’.
“And the only legit excuse in this case is if all of his best friends don’t live in the same city as you guys.
“And, even then, if he hasn’t told you all about them or made future plans about making you meet them… He’s probably not planning to be around for too long.”
5) His interest in your life and beliefs is minimal
Relationships don’t have to be an ongoing quiz night, but it’s a good sign if both people are interested in each other and what makes them tick.
One of the top signs he’s not serious about you is that he isn’t curious about you.
Your upbringing, your beliefs, your pet peeves, your dreams: they’re all pretty much an afterthought to him.
Look how he reacts when you talk about what you’re passionate about.
A guy who’s serious will give you his attention and genuinely want to know more.
A man who’s not serious will get a glassy-eyed look and appear to be mentally replaying last night’s baseball game.
It’s a world of difference.
It’s the difference between a guy who genuinely wants you and a guy who’s just in it for the short term.
6) He’s a corn(y) flake
One of the clear signs he’s not serious about you is that he flakes on you all the time and is a cheesy, fake guy.
When he constantly breaks plans and then responds with corny and lame responses, he’s what I call a corn flake: a weak, unreliable guy who just wants sex and occasional fun times.
This is also known as a f***boy. But I prefer the term corn flake.
You just can’t depend on anything he says and he doesn’t try at all.
You always come last and get canceled on at the last minute. It’s exhausting and pathetic and you should never have to put up with this level of disrespect.
“A man who’s serious about you will not only want to spend time with you (so he won’t cancel, to begin with) he’ll treat you with respect.
“That means he won’t waste your time by agreeing to spend it with you, then bailing.”
7) He flirts with your friends
Another clear sign he’s not serious about you is that he flirts with your friends.
This seems like too stupid a thing for any guy to do who’s dating or involved with you.
But it happens every day.
Sometimes the behavior of some individuals can seem confusing because it’s so brazen.
It’s not that you’re misunderstanding his behavior when he winks at your hot friend or makes a sexual joke to your attractive sister:
It’s that he actually is classless and indifferent about your feelings for him.
Trash belongs in the dumpster, not in your contacts.
8) He hides his true self and feelings from you
Another one of the clear sign he’s not serious about you is that he hides his true self and feelings from you.
Everyone opens up at different speeds and that’s fine.
But intentionally hiding who you are and refusing to open up in any way is rarely because of personal issues.
It’s almost always because of not having much interest in the other person.
Would you tell your life story to a man you found boring and didn’t care about seeing again?
Would you discuss your feelings on family and the future with a man you just wanted to sleep with?
That’s how a man sees it as well, when he’s not really into you…
“If he’s never open around you – if he’s always wearing a “mask” or never really lets himself be vulnerable, it means that he’s either too nervous to be open around you, or he doesn’t think it’s worth it,” advises relationship expert Nick Bastion.
You deserve more.
9) Talking about future plans is off the table
When you’re dating a man who’s into you, talking about the future can be fun.
You don’t want to pile on the pressure, but at the same time, thinking about how things will be down the road is exciting and interesting.
But when a guy is not very serious about you, talking about the future is like toxic waste to him.
He can’t stand to even get near it and it makes him sick.
He doesn’t want to even acknowledge that the future exists.
The reason is that – for him – a future with you doesn’t exist at all.
10) Your dates with him are last-minute and slapdash
Another one of the clear signs he’s not serious about you is that he puts zero effort into dates.
He just texts you out of the blue and invites you to a random buffet restaurant.
Or he picks you up as a plus one to his buddy’s barbecue.
He clearly doesn’t care at all whether you like what he invites you to or not.
Because he doesn’t care about you.
“If he’s really serious about you, he’s going to put effort into spending time with you.
“And this also means that he’s going to think about spending time with you.”
11) He only focuses on sex when he’s with you
This should be a big red flag for you if he only focuses on sex when he’s with you.
There’s nothing wrong with him being into sexual topics or things: at least he’s being sincere.
But when it’s basically all he wants to talk about or do it means he sees you as a piece of ass, not a woman he wants to get serious with.
Sex is part of a healthy partnership, but it’s not the only thing.
Everyone knows that, but pretending that he just “happens” to be horny and on fire for sex every time you meet is an old trick.
He’s using you to pump and dump, and this behavior makes it obvious.
12) He puts no effort into his appearance around you
Not every guy is a supermodel, but if he puts no effort into his appearance around you then you can be sure that he’s not exactly in love.
Even the most simple guy will try to spruce up a little bit when he’s around a woman he’s serious about.
But if he doesn’t care about how you feel about him then he won’t bother.
You may ask why a guy would have such low self-respect to look slovenly in general, but that’s a different topic entirely…
13) He never helps you out during hard times
Hard times reveal the people who are really there for you and the ones who are just fairweather friends and lovers.
If this guy is serious about you then he’s going to take the hard times as they come.
He’ll be there for you and help you out, even if it’s something that involves drudgery and hard work.
“Every person, woman or man, needs help from time to time to get things done, like moving into a new apartment, finding a new job, looking for a new car, etc.
“At this time, an outsider’s perspective is invaluable.
“And if during times like these (when you need him and his input the most), he disappears or makes excuses to not be by your side, know that he’s exhibiting signs he’s not serious about you.”
14) He’s emotionally absent and unavailable
A guy who is serious works on himself and tries to be the best version of himself for the woman he cares about.
But a man who’s not serious about you will show it by his lack of emotional availability.
It’s hard to know what to do when you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable man.
But rest assured that it is not your fault!
Regardless of the various reasons for his emotionally unavailable behavior, you can be sure that he’s not currently open for business when it comes to something more serious.
15) He hates being seen out in public with you
When he keeps your relationship a secret it’s because he’s generally not serious about you.
This can be a confusing and painful experience, but it’s something you can learn from and respond to if you understand what it means.
It basically means he’s using you and doesn’t want the trouble of explaining who you are and his connection to you in public.
“If your man keeps your relationship a secret, it is also a clear sign that he’s a player. He doesn’t want to have a committed relationship with you, he just wants to have some fun and then he’ll dump you,” observes dating blogger Amelia Prinn.
What you should do about it…
1) Don’t overreact or make demands
When you like a guy whose behavior is crappy it can be tempting to call him out and put your foot down.
If you do this, however, it’s going to backfire.
If he gets serious it will always have an undercurrent of you “pressuring” him. If he flakes out you will lose whatever connection you do have.
Move slow and consider your next move. If you want more with him you have to understand him and what makes him tick.
2) Pursue your passions
Instead of focusing on this man and how he feels about, focus on your goals and passions.
There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who knows her value and chases her dreams.
Let him see that you don’t depend on him and be sure of your own worth in spite of his poor attitude.
3) Be less available
There’s no reason to be available to a man who doesn’t take you seriously.
Unless you also are looking for something quite casual, it’s perfectly fair for you to be less available.
Tell him you’re busy next time he texts.
Smirk at his next joke with a semi-sarcastic expression instead of laughing.
You’re not his doormat, and he’ll have to do a lot more to earn your affection.
4) Stop throwing yourself at him
There’s a temptation when a guy is distant or uncommitted to throw yourself at him.
Whatever you do, don’t do this.
It’s unattractive, plus it gives him all the power.
Sonya Schwartz has good advice on this:
“Keep a sense of mystery around you to keep him interested.
“Even if you have been together for months or even years, you can still be mysterious by taking up new hobbies and activities without him.
By not being able to read you like an open book, he will desire you more and want to find out all there is to know about you.”
Serious vs. casual
If you’re looking for something serious, then you should never settle for a guy who won’t take you seriously.
On the other hand, if you’re currently in the market for something casual then the signs above and the solutions don’t have to occupy your mind.
What you can be sure of is that everyone deserves respect and real affection no matter what they’re looking for romantically.
Never sell yourself short!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
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