17 signs he is having second thoughts about your relationship

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We have all heard the expression “blinded by love”. It is when you are so caught up in the euphoric feelings of love, lust, or affection, that you don’t seem to notice obvious red flags or warning signs that your partner may not be as into the relationship as you are.

When my partner was having second thoughts about our relationship, I was so blinded by my affection for him that I didn’t notice the clear signs that he was getting ready to leave me.

I was left, confused, angry, and hurt.

What I know now that I didn’t know then was that the warning signs were obvious, I was just in a state of denial.

Having doubts in a relationship is normal. Even though they love you, if you aren’t feeling validated because your partner is expressing doubts, you may begin to wonder if they’re thinking twice about staying in the relationship.

In this article, I will share with you the 17 clear signs your partner is having second thoughts about your relationship, based on my experience, and offer advice on how to approach the situation so you’re not left in the dark.

1) He’s always “busy”

“People make time for what matters.”

When my ex and I began dating, we couldn’t get enough of one another. Our schedules were just as intense as they are now but we made time to see one another – he seemed to make time to see me.

Then, without much warning, I was the one doing all the leg work. I ignored how he was suddenly always “busy”. I was the one making the plans and making the time.

He became more and more unavailable and what I didn’t know then that I know now is that he was pulling away because he was having second thoughts.

When your partner suddenly becomes so busy that he’s not making any time for your relationship, it’s time to have a conversation. He could very well have an intense new schedule at work. But, if his reasoning doesn’t really add up, he may be thinking twice about the relationship.

2) It’s always “maybe” or “we’ll see”

When my ex-boyfriend and I started dating, those first few months were chock full of future planning. He seemed excited about the idea of holidays together or long-term commitments. In fact, he even made them!

Suddenly, (or so it seemed), his enthusiasm quickly turned into a series of “we will see” or “maybe” whenever I would bring up the idea of going somewhere together or spending time together in the future.

He was swiftly non-committal and would accuse me of not being in the present moment with him every time I would mention anything in the future.

What I didn’t see then was that he was clearly having second thoughts about a future with me.

Dr. Jane Greer, an NYC based relationship expert suggests that:

“If (your partner) is less-than-stoked about going on trips, moving in, throwing a party together, or aren’t making future plans with you further than a few weeks out, it could be a sign that they’re unsure about your long-term future as well.”

If your partner replaces “yes” with “maybe” or any other wishy-washy response whenever you bring updates on the calendar, it’s a sign that he’s doubting a future with you.

3) You’re not triggering his inner hero 

If the guy seems insecure about your relationship, here’s the potential reason why.

You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.

I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this revolutionary concept is about three main drivers all men have, deeply ingrained in their DNA.

This is something most women don’t know about.

But once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger this.

Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?

Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel locked in the tower to make him see you as the one.

The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.

The easiest way to do this is by checking out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.

Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.

It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you. 

All of that and more is included in this informative free video, so make sure to check it out if you want to make him yours for good.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

4) When he’s with you, he’s not really with you

Even though the two of you are spending time together, does it no longer feel like quality time?

If you notice that when the two of you are together he’s always on his phone, mindlessly scrolling the channels, or just in a daze, he’s not being present with you and that can be a clear indicator that his mind is elsewhere. Not on the two of you.

Relationship therapist Aaron Anderson writes:

“If you and your spouse spend a lot of time in the same room but they never do things with you, they’ve likely disengaged from the relationship. Nobody wants to spend the two hours after work browsing social media.”

When I started noticing that my ex was preferring to watch “mindless” tv during our limited time together, I knew something was up. I was just in denial.

When you really want to establish and build a foundation with someone, time spent goes by quickly because you’re actively part of every moment, and enjoying them.

5) He stops answering your calls

Remember when you first met your partner? Didn’t it feel like you would talk all the time?

When my ex and I had started dating, he called or sent a text just to hear my voice. Even if he was at work or with his friends, he would pick up my calls right away. I was a priority.

But suddenly, he stopped answering my calls and trying to get him to respond to a text was near impossible.

If you realize you’re in a similar situation, I hate to say this, but he’s pulling away.

One of the first and easiest ways for someone to disconnect in a relationship is to simply stop answering calls or texts from their significant other.

You’ve heard of the term “ghosting” of course. Well, your partner can ghost you too (maybe later they’ll regret it). It definitely warrants a conversation if this starts to happen. Keep in mind, you may not like what you’re gonna hear because as I mentioned above, they’re likely putting one foot out the door and seeing how it feels.

6) He starts picking fights for no reason

“Not all battles can be won; not all battles need to be fought. Choose your battles wisely.”

~ Ranal Currie

Conflict is healthy and necessary in every relationship. That’s how people grow. But peaceful conflict is healthy. Not passive-aggression and petty fights.

With my ex, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells. He was always starting small fires and leaving me to put them out.

If I talked to a guy friend, he would pick a fight. If I mentioned something unfortunate that happened in my day, he would pick a fight. If I couldn’t decide quickly enough on dinner, he would pick a fight. If I had a certain tone, guess what? There would be a fight.

When your partner suddenly starts picking fights or starting mini arguments, it is definitely a sign that something isn’t right.

Talk to them. Maybe their mind is elsewhere, busy with work or maybe they’re starting to have second thoughts about your relationship.

This relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct. When a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to build a deeper connection.

And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over text.

You can learn that and more by watching this genuine video by James Bauer

7) He hides his phone from you

We are all attached to our cell phones these days. After all, most of us use our phones as our sole way of communicating with our colleagues, friends, and family. But if you notice your partner is acting particularly clingy with his phone, pay attention.

When I began to suspect my ex was having doubts about our relationship, or even possibly cheating on me, I started to notice how secretive he was being with his phone.

He would often turn off his phone entirely when we were together or send incoming calls directly to voicemail.

He started to flip his screen over so that I was never able to see his notifications. All of these actions were giant red flags that I somehow missed.

Writer Leslie Blair for Think Aloud notes:

“…when a man hides his phone, it’s suspicious and indicates there’s a problem in the relationship. Is he cheating on you? Maybe not, but hiding things from your partner isn’t healthy.”

When a partner begins to intentionally hide their phone from you, it is definitely a warning sign that they may not be “all in” anymore.

There’s a clear lack of trust. Something’s up and it should be addressed.

8) Meaningful conversations are MIA

If your partner has become unresponsive to conversations or doesn’t even initiate them anymore, it’s a red flag!

A sudden dip in communication is a clear signal that things in your relationship aren’t going well.

When a person no longer has interest in you, or is looking for ways to push you away, they will often stonewall or avoid topics all together.

According to writer Paul Brian, a clear sign that someone is trying to push you away is when they begin to avoid having deep and meaningful conversations.

When my ex began having second thoughts about our relationship, he didn’t want to really talk anymore. He never asked about my day. He didn’t ask my opinion on things. Sometimes he would simply ignore things.

As hurtful as this was, I should have recognized the warning sign that he was having doubts about our relationship.

Meaningful conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Author Emily Cabral writes:

“Meaningful conversations have an incredibly significant impact on maintaining healthy relationships; relationships that encourage rather than discourage, relationships that are permanent rather than temporary.

“If we neglect to have meaningful conversations, our relationships can begin to wither, and the more they wither, the more likely that these relationships will become damaged and eventually dissipate.”

If you and your partner are no longer engaging in meaningful conversations, he is likely having second thoughts about your relationship.

9) He has a dating app profile

Psst…. If your partner has an app still visible on a dating app… GTFO!

This one seems like an obvious sign that your partner is not only having doubts about your relationship, but that they’re also kind of shady and not a kind person.

When my ex and I had been dating about a year we had flown out to meet my parents. Yup, a pretty serious move, right?  I was having suspicions that he wasn’t “all in” but in true “love is blind” fashion, I ignored my feelings and because he was meeting my family, assumed he was excited for a future with me.

At lunch with my parents, he went to show them something on his phone and BAM, he accidentally pulled up a very active and recent convo from someone on a dating app. I must be color blind because how I didn’t see that very red flag still blows my mind.

Relationship expert Maria Sullivan writes:

“…swiping through a dating app while in a relationship is a form of micro-cheating, or smaller breaches of trust that could lead to infidelity down the line. Even if your partner isn’t using their dating app account to cheat on you, keeping it a secret implies lapse in honesty and communication.

“Additionally, using an account to “look around” can indicate a lack of commitment to your relationship.”

If you discover that your partner is on a dating profile, after you have established some trust and boundaries, don’t even wait to wonder if he’s having second thoughts. Just leave. This is a recipe for disaster and is an absolute breach of trust.

10) He is always criticizing you

“Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.”

~ Oscar Wilde

One of the biggest warning signs that your partner is doubting you is if they suddenly seem to be critical of your every move.

Constant criticism can erode a relationship quickly. Not only does it break down trust and communication, but it can also actually be very destructive to self-esteem and is a powerful way to end a relationship.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., for Psychology Today, describes criticism as the behavior that breaks connections.  He writes:

“Criticism is the most destructive behavior in relationships, as stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt tend to follow from it.”

I often felt that my ex was scrutinizing my every action and word. I felt on edge all the time and profoundly defensive. As a result, we fought all the time.

He was sabotaging the relationship.  By creating “reasons” for us to fight or have tension, he was pushing me away instead of being direct that he wasn’t comfortable in our relationship anymore.

11) He makes decisions and plans without you

In a healthy relationship, you consult your partner about major decisions and plans. Information and schedules are shared.

David Hilton, for TonyRobbins.com mentions:

“Once two people enter into a relationship, the number of decisions they should make on their own decreases significantly because their respective decision circles overlap. This is not necessarily because all of these decisions must be made together, but rather because nearly every decision you make individually in a relationship has an impact on the other person.

“In order to maintain a  healthy relationship, each partner must at least consider their spouse when making decisions. Whether you are actively making decisions together or considering one another in your individual decisions, there are relatively few that you should make completely on your own.”

My ex, without any warning, decided to impulsively move to another state. No discussions on how it would impact our relationship, no decisions made together – he conceived of this plan entirely on his own. A clear warning sign that he was not serious about the relationship.

If your partner has stopped involving you in decision-making, it is a definite sign he is having second thoughts about your importance in his life.

12) Understanding the psychology of why men pull away

If you feel like you’ve tried everything and your man is still pulling away, it’s probably because his fears of commitment are so deep-rooted in his subconscious, even he’s not aware of them. 

And unfortunately, unless you can get inside his mind and understand how the male psyche works, nothing you do will make him see you as “the one”. 

That’s where we come in.

We’ve created the ultimate free quiz based on Sigmund Freud’s revolutionary theories, so you can finally understand what’s holding your man back. 

No more trying to be the perfect woman. No more nights wondering how to repair the relationship. 

With just a few questions, you’ll know exactly why he’s pulling away, and most importantly, what you can do to avoid losing him for good. 

Take our great new quiz here.

13) He hides your relationship on social media

I know it seems and sounds super petty, but we are in the age of the interwebs, after all, and how someone recognizes you on their social media platforms can be very telling.

If your partner has always hidden his relationship status from others or he has recently changed his status to “single”, watch out.  He is clearly making a decision to appear available and unattached.

It is very possible, he just prefers to keep his life private, but if you notice that your partner is making comments on other women’s accounts and giving no indication that you are in his life (ie. there are no pictures of you, he doesn’t engage with your posts, or he references single life), it is a major red flag that he is not giving your relationship the respect it warrants.

If you feel deliberately hidden from his socials, he is likely having second thoughts.

14) They threaten or joke about leaving you

Even if joking, if your partner is constantly suggesting that they would be better off without you, pay attention.

Words create our reality so once the words “if we weren’t together” or “I may leave you” are spoken, a seed is planted. He has already created an idea in his mind that perhaps, you and he aren’t supposed to be together and the more and more he visits the idea, the more he will mention it.

Also, if a partner constantly suggests or threatens they may leave, a real sense of fear and abandonment can develop for the other partner. This is such an unsettling feeling and can create total tension.

If your significant other is often saying they may leave you, it’s a sign they aren’t that invested in you in the first place.

15) No sex

A healthy and active sex life can strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

Sex therapist Laure Mintz, Ph.D, suggests that sex:

“Creates trust and shared memories, because you’re sharing your deepest self with your partner.”

When the frequency or quality of your sex life changes suddenly, it’s a clear indicator that something is wrong in the relationship.

When my ex began to not want sex, I knew something was amiss. He was always making excuses as to why he wasn’t in the mood or was too tired. And if and when we were intimate, he was entirely checked out.

I didn’t see the signs, or rather, I was in denial that he was pushing me away.

If your partner is no longer interested in intimacy, it may mean he’s having serious second thoughts about your relationship.

16) He doesn’t express love anymore

Everyone of us has a love language – a preferred way of expressing or receiving love.

Sometimes we show our love and affection with words, three of them to be precise (“I Love You”). Sometimes we repeat simple gestures. Whatever it is, you can tell when someone is expressing their love for you.

My ex went from saying “I love you” to “I’m in like with you”. (I’m actually laughing at this). He totally downgraded our relationship and while it definitely struck a chord, I made the mistake of ignoring this warning sign.

If your partner is no longer telling you, in their way, that they love you, it can mean that their feelings have shifted.

17) Trust your intuition

“Intuition doesn’t tell you what you want to hear; it tells you what you need to hear.”

~Sonia Choquette

At the end of the day, the most powerful tool you have is your intuition. If your gut is telling you something is wrong in your relationship, pay close attention.

Writer Pearl Nash, for Ideapod, writes:

“…start relying on your intuition. If you are often overwhelmed by feelings that make no sense, it could be your intuition trying to tell you something.”

Learning how to listen and discover what it is your inner voice is telling you can be very difficult. We are often so clouded by distractions and chaos that our inner wisdom is muted.

Justin Brown, author and founder of Ideapod, offers an extraordinary workshop on personal empowerment which will help you to discover practical tools necessary to harness the power of your intuition.

After I was finally able to silence the noise and hear what it was that my gut instinct was telling me, I realized that my ex had one foot out the door for quite some time and I needed to seize my personal power and end the relationship.

If you are having doubts that your partner is all in or he is having second thoughts, honor those doubts. It’s your inner wisdom, your instinct, speaking.

Our intuition is often the very best guide we need.

Wrapping Up

By now you should have a better idea of the main signs that indicate your man is not taking your relationship seriously.

So the key now is getting through to him in a way that empowers both him and you. 

I mentioned the concept of the hero instinct earlier – by appealing directly to his innate drivers, you won’t only solve this issue, but you’ll take your relationship further than ever before.

And since this free video reveals exactly how to trigger your man’s hero instinct, you could make this change from as early as today. 

With James Bauer’s incredible concept, he’ll see you as the only woman for him. So if you’re ready to take that plunge, before sure to check out his revolutionary advice. 

Here’s a link to the incredible free video again. 

Robbi King

I’ve fallen down, skinned my knees, and broken my heart to pieces. But I put it back together with grit and gold.

When I’m not sitting in silence, capturing the musings in my head, I am joyfully spending time with my two young boys.

I like to tell stories and look at pretty things.

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