If you’re trying to repair your relationship after you’ve been cheated on, you need to be as sure as you can be that he will not cheat again.
How can you know?
Being cheated on is an awful thing to go through. You loved him, you trusted him, and he broke that trust in the worst way possible.
Your first reaction when you found out was probably to end the relationship right away. That can be the right decision.
Sometimes, once the initial pain and panic has begun to lift, you might feel like you could make it work again.
You might feel it’s worth at least trying. If you had a happy relationship and big plans for the future, it’s tough to throw that all away over one mistake. Cheating doesn’t always have to be the end.
But, if you decide to stay, you need to be sure that he’s never going to cheat again. You know you can’t go through this a second time. How can you tell?
In this article, I’m going to take you through the signs that he will not cheat again.
You’ll see exactly what to look out for so you’ll know straight away if you can believe him when he tells you ‘I promise, I’ll never do this again’.
When you know these signs, you can begin to relax. You’ll start to heal. You’ll make plans together and the future you thought you’d lost, might just be right around the corner.
1. He hasn’t cheated before
Some men have a long history of cheating and, even when they’re in a happy relationship with someone amazing, just don’t seem to be able to stop themselves from looking around for something else.
For these men, cheating is a compulsion and an addiction that they find hard to break. There can be all sorts of reasons someone becomes a serial cheater, often deeply rooted in their childhood.
It’s tempting to try and ‘fix’ a serial cheater, especially if you can see something in his past, like traumatic or unstable family life, that you think has caused their actions.
But it’s not your job to do this. Whatever has led a man to cheat repeatedly, that’s their problem to solve.
It’s a part of who they are and, if they’re going to change it, they need to do it while they’re single.
If you’re pretty sure that your guy hasn’t cheated before, then that’s a good sign he won’t do it again.
You might not feel great about being the only girl he’s ever cheated on, but if you are, that’s actually a good thing.
Maybe he made a drunken one-night mistake, or maybe he got drawn into an affair that started as a friendship and then became something else before he really had time to think about what he was getting into.
These aren’t great things to have done, but that doesn’t mean they’ll happen again.
You know your guy. If he is genuinely regretful and you have no reason to suspect that he’s a serial cheat, you’ve got good grounds for giving your relationship another chance.
2. He feels essential
A sign that a man won’t cheat again on a woman is when he starts to feel essential to her.
For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
And feeling unessential is a common trigger for pulling away and exploring their options elsewhere.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
This is because men have a built in desire for something “greater” that goes beyond love or sex.
It’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else — or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. Watch his free video here about this fascinating concept.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship with any woman.
He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only give him greater satisfaction but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
3. He leaves his phone unlocked on the table
Many women start to think they might be being cheated on when their man starts being secretive with his phone.
If that happened to you, you’re probably going to be super-aware of any changes to the way he uses it now.
You know that a guy who suddenly starts taking his phone into the bathroom with him, always has it locked and jumps every time it buzzes is surely up to no good.
If you’ve been there, you’ll know just how suspicious that made you feel.
The converse is a man who is happy to leave his phone lying around the house.
He doesn’t mind leaving it unlocked and he’s happy for you to see it any time. He might not even use it all that much.
If you’re not sure whether you can trust your man’s phone use, ask him if he’d be happy for you to have access to his, at least for a couple of months.
You could also ask if he’d be happy with having location tracking on it, so you can see where he really is when he says he’s out with the boys.
This might feel like an invasion of privacy, but if he really wants to repair your relationship, he’ll be OK with it.
You don’t even have to ever actually check his phone or track him, if you don’t want to.
The fact that he’s willing to agree to it will tell you that he’s honest (though watch out for signs of a secret second phone!).
4. He’s happy to reassure you if you have a wobble
A former cheat who really wants your relationship to work now you’ve made things up to each other will be happy to do whatever it takes to help you feel better when you’re struggling.
He’ll understand that you’re devastated and insecure, and will take time to talk through it with you.
He’ll be happy to do whenever you need it because he knows just how badly he messed up and just how much he needs to work to get your trust back.
A man who’s likely to cheat again won’t be so bothered about taking the time to help you through.
A serial cheat doesn’t really care too much about your feelings…if he did, he wouldn’t be a serial cheat.
He might pay some initial lip service when you’re feeling upset, but if you don’t get over his cheating pretty quickly, he’ll start to get bored of comforting you.
Make sure your guy is giving you all the reassurance you need to trust him again. If he is, you’re probably going to be OK.
5. He makes an effort to repair the relationship…on your terms
After a man cheats, if he wants to keep you, he’ll often go all out with grand gestures like weekends away in a luxury hotel or extravagant meals and cocktail bars.
You might well feel that you don’t want all of that, or at least, not straight away.
It might just be a bit too much to handle when you haven’ really processed your feelings yet (or even made a final decision on whether you want to stay).
A man who means his apology and won’t cheat again will understand that. He won’t try and rush you through this first stage of healing and reconciliation.
He’ll get that you need time and will be more than happy for you to say what you need and when you need it.
Don’t get drawn into doing stuff you’re not comfortable with.
Test your man’s sincerity by asking for exactly what you want to get through this and come out the other side stronger.
If he offers a big weekend away in a fancy hotel, only say yes if it’s what you really want to do.
6. He’s happy to talk about what he’s doing and invites you along
Cheats get really good at lying about where they’re going and what they’re doing.
That night out with the boys? He was with her.
That day he was visiting his parents (but didn’t ask you to come)? He was with her.
That three day business trip? Yup, he was with her.
A man who has cheated will know that you’re ultra-aware of signs that he’s going to do it again.
He’ll know that you’ll be struggling to believe him when he says he’s got to go away or stay at work late.
If he’s serious about not cheating again, he’ll be sensitive to your feelings.
He’ll actively look to reassure you by inviting you along whenever he can, so you know he’s not up to anything he shouldn’t be.
Say he really does have to work late. He’ll know you’ll be feeling insecure about that, so he’ll make sure to talk about why he’s got to work and who he’ll be with in the office.
He’ll invite you along to the after-work drinks, so you’ll see he’s with his colleagues and not another woman.
Conversely, if he just tells you he’s got to work and gets jumpy when you ask why, get worried.
He should be doing everything he can to help you trust him right now.
7. He’s never late home
We’re not about to say that a man should never go out with his friends or spend just a little too long in the local bar once he’s cheated.
But the way he behaves during this time of reconciliation and repair will tell you a lot about how he’s going to behave in the future (and even how he might be behaving now).
If he’s serious about never cheating again, he’ll make sure he’s straight home after work every night.
If he goes out with his friends, he’ll be back in good time. He’ll do what he says he will and always follow through on his promises.
If he does start to work late a little too often for your liking, or stays out until the early hours without you really knowing where he is, then you might have a problem.
8. He’s respectful…and so are his friends
This is a really big one. Is your man a serial cheater who’ll never change, or someone who made a terrible mistake?
Serial cheaters tend to lack respect for women – including you. They’ll make derogatory comments about women that show that they don’t really see you as an equal (because if you see someone as your equal, you don’t go out to hurt them over and over again).
They might think that cheating is inevitable, or that everyone does it, or that they have a right to sex.
If your man has ever said or done anything to make you think he believes those things, it’s very likely he’ll cheat again.
If, on the other hand, he’s always been respectful of women, he might just be one of the good ones.
A man who treats women as equals and never talks over or down to them is probably a man who means it when he says ‘I’m sorry’.
If you need some extra reassurance, take a look at his friends. Are they the type to leer at women in bars or talk loudly about their latest conquest? Or are they usually gentle and respectful?
If you’ve always got along with them, and they’ve made time for you, they’ll probably exert some peer pressure on your guy not to cheat again.
They may well already have told him what a huge mistake he just made.
The best way to save your marriage
Being cheated on is awful, but it doesn’t always mean your relationship should be scrapped.
Because if you still love your spouse, what you really need is a plan of attack to mend your marriage.
Many things can slowly infect a marriage—distance, lack of communication and sexual issues. If not dealt with correctly, these problems can metamorphosize into infidelity and disconnectedness.
When someone asks me for advice to help save failing marriages, I always recommend relationship expert and divorce coach Brad Browning.
Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving marriages. He is a best-selling author and dispenses valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.
And he’s recently created a new program to help couples with a struggling marriage. You can read our review of it here.
His program is as much about working on one’s self as working on the relationship—they’re one and the same according to Browning.
This online program is a powerful tool that could save you from a bitter divorce.
It covers sex, intimacy, anger, jealousy and more. The program teaches couples how to recover from these symptoms that are often the result of a stagnant relationship.
Although it may not be the same as having one-on-one sessions with a therapist, it’s still a worthy addition for any marriage that is slowly tearing itself apart.
Obviously no book or session with a therapist can guarantee your marriage will be saved. Sometimes relationships really are irreparable and it’s intelligent to move on.
But if you do feel that there is still hope for your marriage, then I recommend you checking out Brad Browning’s program. You can watch his free online video about it here.
The strategies Brad reveals in it are extremely powerful and might be the difference between a “happy marriage” and an “unhappy divorce”.
The decision on whether to try and make a relationship work after cheating is a really personal one.
If you decide that you just can’t do it, no-one’s going to blame you for that.
Just because you think your relationship could be fixed, doesn’t mean you have to fix it. You might be happier just moving on and finding someone who won’t cheat on you.
But deciding to stay is a valid choice too. It’s also a tough one. If you do stay, you need to be as sure as you can that you won’t be cheated on again.
Answer these questions before you decide to stay:
- Has he cheated before? If you don’t think he has, then this really might be the one-off you’re hoping it is.
- He’s cool with his phone. If he’s happy for you to see, or even check, his phone, then that’s a good sign he’s not going to cheat.
- He goes out of his way to reassure you. If he wants this to work, he’ll help you through it, however you need him to.
- He makes an effort…but doesn’t complain if you aren’t ready for grand gestures yet.
- He invites you places. He should want you to be part of his social life, not separate from it.
- He’s never late home. And if he really does have to be late, he makes sure you know exactly why and where he is.
- He’s respectful, and he has respectful friends.
Some men are serial cheats, and others just made a terrible mistake. You’re the best person to decide which one your guy is.
FREE eBook: The Marriage Repair Handbook
Just because a marriage has issues doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce.
The key is to act now to turn things around before matters get any worse.
If you want practical strategies to dramatically improve your marriage, check out our FREE eBook here.
We have one goal with this book: to help you mend your marriage.
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