20 alarming signs he’s secretly a player (no bullsh*t list)

No one likes getting played, especially if you’re genuinely looking for a serious relationship.

It’s heartbreaking and it happens all too often.

Unfortunately, players are really good at hiding the fact that they have no intention of getting serious with you at all.

They flatter you and tell you that you’re the most gorgeous person they’ve met — until the next night when they’re out looking for another hookup.

Don’t let his charm fool you into getting into bed with him. Save yourself the heartbreak and take note of these 20 signs that he might just be playing you.

1. He Doesn’t Take The Time To Get To Know You More

Players tend to avoid getting to know the women that they’re with; since they don’t plan on being committed anyway, why would they bother?

When you ask him how his day was, he replies in short phrases and sentences; a curt “It was okay” and nothing else becomes his usual reply.

The conversations feel shallow as if you still don’t even know him yet, nor have you felt like you were able to tell him about yourself.

You haven’t told him about your childhood, your fears, or your dream of becoming an artist or owning a business because he never bothered to ask.

2. He’s Charming In Public But Cold In Private

When you’re out on a date, he opens the door for you before you walk through.

Then when you arrive at your table at the restaurant, he pulls the chair for you.

He’s a pure gentleman when you’re together in public — but only in public.

The ride back home is silent, as if he isn’t interested in talking to you.

When you share with him something exciting that you recently discovered, he tends to brush it off or entertain you with a simple “Oh, that’s nice.”

Players are often this way because they want to put on some kind of act for everyone else in public.

They know that there are bound to be other women in the restaurant where you two ate, so of course, he wants to dial up his charm.

3. He Doesn’t Have The Hero Instinct

If he is a player, and the signs in this article will help you figure that out, then it could be that he’s missing one simple thing:

A woman who knows how to bring out his inner hero.

I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this revolutionary concept is about three main drivers all men have, deeply ingrained in their DNA.

This is something most women don’t know about.

But once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger this.

And they’re more likely to give up living life as a player, hopping from one woman to the next.

Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?

Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel locked in the tower to make him see you as the one.

The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.

The easiest way to do this is by checking out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.

Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.

It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you. 

All of that and more is included in this informative free video, so make sure to check it out if you want to make him yours for good.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

4. He’s Often Unavailable

Since you’re seeing each other and you’re excited, it’s natural to want to plan something together.

Maybe you want to try out that new restaurant that opened near you or catch that new movie that just came out together.

But every time you bring up a date idea, he shuts it down and says that he’s going to be too busy that week.

When you’re feeling sad and you need to express your emotions, he often isn’t there to listen to you.

He might say that he’s caught up in a work “thing” or, when he’s there, he isn’t listening to you.

Often you can tell someone’s motives by the way that they act; so if he acts distant, that’s because he might not be into the relationship as you might’ve initially thought.

5. He Barely Opens Up To You

After being with him for a few months now, you might realize that you don’t know much about him.

You barely know about his childhood or what his dreams are, nor does he open up to you about his problems at work.

When you ask him about his life, he tends to give single-word answers or simple phrases.

He brushes off questions about the nature of his work, maybe saying, “It’s busy and I do a lot of this and that” while peppering in business-like jargon.

Players don’t want to get emotionally attached to the women that they’re with.

The more involved their emotions get, the higher chance they might catch feelings for you — something they want to avoid as much as they can.

6. He Won’t Let You Meet His Friends

Even though you’ve already been together for a few months, he still hasn’t introduced you to his friends nor his family.

This might strike you as odd, especially when he’s already been able to meet your friends and family members.

When you ask him about it, he brushes off the question or avoids it entirely.

Players wouldn’t want their friends to meet you because they might bring up the fact that he’s with another woman.

Or he doesn’t feel the need to because he’s going to break up with you eventually.

Either way, it may be a sign that he isn’t taking the relationship seriously.

7. You’ve Caught Him Lying To You

There have been times where you’ve discovered that he hasn’t been very honest with you.

You might’ve called his office one day to ask if he was there (like he said he would), but the person on the other line says that he didn’t show up.

Or that he said that he wasn’t feeling too good to see you today — but when you look at his posts on social media, you see that he’s invited a few friends over for fun.

When you bring up the fact that he was lying to you, he tends to deny your accusations.

That or he uses his charm on you and tells you that he wouldn’t do it again — until he inevitably does.

8. The Relationship Is Physical — Too Physical

While it’s common for relationships to get intimate, you find that he tends to be too focused on it.

He compliments you on your looks — but only ever on your looks. He may also be very touchy with you, even when you’ve already told him to stop.

Players only look for one thing: fulfilling their sexual urges.

After a night together, he might immediately leave without saying goodbye.If you feel like he’s only using you to fulfill his desires, it would be wise to take another look at your relationship.

9. He Flirts With Other Women

This is one of the clearest ways to tell that he’s a player.

When you’re out at a party together, he seems to only gravitate towards the women.

He turns on the charm and you quickly see them laughing together.

A faithful man would never flirt with other women — much more do it in front of the woman that they’re currently with!

If he were really serious with you, he would spend his time making you laugh, not others.

10. He Has A Complicated Dating History

When you ask him about his exes, he might say that it’s complicated.

He can begin talking badly about them, saying that they might’ve been too controlling or obsessive, or that they were downright psychos.

While he talks about them you might even begin noticing the sheer amount of women that he’s been with.

Players tend to hop from one girl to the next.

The way they describe their previous partners tends to be their way of rationalizing why they needed to break up with them in the first place — never putting the blame on themselves; always trying to be the good guy.

11. He Puts Too Much Focus On His Looks

Have you noticed that he often wears more cologne than you would want him to?

Or that he spends a significant amount of time in front of the mirror, styling his hair and his outfit?

It might make you wonder who he’s trying to look good for when you’ve already accepted him into your life.

Players want to always look their best because they know that, when you go out together in public, there are bound to be single women there too.

He wants to catch their attention — even though he’s with you.

12. He’s Inconsistent

He can be equally cruel and lovely — but there’s no telling when he’s which.

He can tell you that you’re the most amazing person that he’s had the chance to be with.

It’ll make you feel warm and loved. But at other times, he might avoid answering your calls and texts, or invalidate your feelings.

This form of behavior is common among players. Since they don’t want to fully commit to you, but still want you in their lives, you end up being caught in his changing moods and emotions.

13. He Doesn’t Seem to Care About Losing You

If this guy doesn’t seem emotionally attached (at all) then it shows that he probably doesn’t have genuine feelings for you.

He’s dating other people and if you leave him, then it won’t make much difference to him at all.

This relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct. When a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to commit and leave his player days behind.

And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over text.

You can learn that and more by watching this genuine video by James Bauer.

14. Something Feels Off About Him

Maybe it’s his job or the fact that he has more female friends than male friends.

Maybe it’s because his go-to pastime is partying and spending nights at the club…

When there’s something that feels off about him, don’t ignore it. It might be your intuition to ring alarm bells for your protection.

If you aren’t sure, you can always ask your close friends about their opinion on him. It’ll help you see him more objectively.

If they also feel that something might be off about him, it could be a sign to reconsider your relationship.

15. He is an Emotionless Robot

Does it seem like this guy doesn’t have emotion?

He hardly opens up to you and he doesn’t seem to emphasize what you’re going through in life?

Look, it’s common for guys to find it hard to express their emotions and understand them in others.

But if this guy is almost always fake and robotic – you know that fake smile I’m talking about – then it’s pretty obvious that this guy is a player.

A player’s main goal is sex, so it doesn’t work for him to not open himself up emotionally.

An emotional connection won’t help him achieve his goal.

However, sometimes players fake their emotions to get what they want, but it’s all for show.

In the end, you know this guy is a player if there is nothing “real” about him.

This is actually because men can compartmentalize sex from emotion.

Relationship expert David Bennett says that women tend to have brains that have “more overall connectivity” which means that the emotions they experience affect all facets of their life.

Men’s brains aren’t as connected, and therefore they’re more easily able to separate feelings from behaviors.

16. He is Not a True Gentlemen

A gentleman that has genuine feelings for you will treat you like a princess or queen. He’ll always put you first because he wants to look out for you.

But if your man doesn’t show any interest in looking out for you and only cares about himself, then you can be sure that he is probably a player.

If your man is a gentleman, he’ll be ultra polite. He’ll listen to everything you have to say.

He’s interested in getting to know the real you and will respect your boundaries.

But a player will basically behave in an opposite manner to this.

They’ll only look out for themselves and they’ll cross your boundaries if it means getting what they want.

17. He’s Not Telling You the Whole Story

You just can’t seem to work out this guy’s story. No matter how many times you ask him about his history, he just can’t seem to give you a straight answer.

He’s obviously got something to hide. He’s always changing the subject and if you happen to bring up ex-girlfriends he is gone in an instant.

Now while this probably indicates that he is a player, I’ll admit one important point:

He might appear like this because guys just aren’t good at expressing their feelings.

You see, male and female brains are different. The part of the brain that controls our emotions is much larger in female brains.

This is why females are so much better at expressing their emotions and understanding what they’re feeling.

So if your man is being elusive, he might not be that he is a player. It could be that he just doesn’t know how to express his feelings.

I learned this from relationship expert Carlos Cavallo. He’s one of the world’s leading experts on relationship psychology and what men want from a relationship.

As Carlos explains in his free video, most men are unnecessarily complicated when they think about commitment.

According to Carlos, what men really want is to feel is that they’ve found the absolute best woman for them.

As if he has won the premiership of love.

Carlos Cavallo shows you exactly how to make him feel like he’s a winner in his new video.

You’ll learn several simple and genuine things you can do right now to stop him from being a player.

Check it out here.

18. You’ve Seen Hate Mail, Posts, and Texts from Ex-Girlfriends

This one should not go ignored. If he gets phone calls or texts from girls he claims are “crazy ex-girlfriends” you might want to consider the other side of that story.

There’s a reason for everything. Not everyone is crazy.

If you don’t know much about his dating history, and a “crazy ex-girlfriend” is the only snippet you’ve heard about, then you need to be ultra skeptical about it.

You can ask about it and see how he responds.

If he simply ignores your questions and brushes it off as a “crazy ex-girlfriend” then always remember this: There are two sides to every story.

19. He Says “He Just Wants to Have Fun”

This one isn’t exactly a secret sign. It’s a pretty explicit way of telling you that he might be a player.

If he has openly told you that “he is not looking for anything serious” and “just wants to have fun” then you might have a player on your hands.

Usually when someone says their main goal is to have fun, then that means that they want to see multiple people. Tread carefully if this is the case.

20. He Flirts With Everyone When You’re Out

Perhaps you’ve always chalked it up to this guy being ultra-friendly with everyone, but if he seems to get a thrill out of making other girls laugh, then it might indicate that he is a player.

This is especially the case if he goes out of his way to impress other women with his wit.

When a guy is genuinely in love, he doesn’t flirt needlessly with other women unless he has bad intentions.

Telling the players from the nice guys can be difficult. Both are charming and both may find you attractive — the only difference is their motive.

One may want to spend years with you, getting to know you and wanting to be by your side as you grow; the other will only want to be with you for a single night and leave without a trace.

That’s why paying attention to these signs will help you avoid a nasty heartbreak.

In Conclusion

By now you should have a better idea of whether he’s secretly a player or not.

The key now is getting through to your man in a way that empowers both him and you. 

I mentioned the concept of the hero instinct earlier – by appealing directly to his innate drivers, you won’t only solve this issue, but you’ll take your relationship further than ever before.

And since this free video reveals exactly how to trigger your man’s hero instinct, you could make this change from as early as today. 

With James Bauer’s incredible concept, he’ll see you as the only woman for him. So if you’re ready to take that plunge, before sure to check out his revolutionary advice. 

Here’s a link to the incredible free video again. 

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

Can being friends with an ex lead back into a relationship? 

10 signs of twin flame sexual energy (+ tips to enhance your connection)