Being cheated on is bad enough.
What makes it twice as bad is when it’s more than just an affair: it’s a love affair.
If you’re dealing with this, or think you might be, here’s how to be sure.
26 signs he loves his mistress
1) He cares about everything she tells him
We all know the cliche about a married guy who never listens to his wife.
This isn’t fair to many married men who listen to their wives and care what they say.
But at the same time, the stereotype exists for a reason:
A large amount of married guys end up tuning out on their wife and perfecting the art of smiling and nodding without hearing a word she says.
It’s precisely the opposite when you’re looking for signs he loves his mistress.
He listens to what she says, cares about it and remembers it.
He hangs on her every word like it’s a pearl of pure feminine wisdom.
“I confidently tell you that a married man who is in love with his mistress would remember every piece of information about her.
“Look, a man in love with his mistress wouldn’t toil with every single detail she tells him.”
2) She makes him feel like a hero
If your man is in love with his mistress, his wife is probably thinking of how hot his mistress is, or the way she seduces and teases him.
She may imagine that this is what sealed the deal to lead her man astray.
And it may be part of it.
But if she’s getting him and you’re not, it’s actually linked to something even more basic that many women don’t know about.
It’s all about understanding what motivates men at their deepest biological and psychological level.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this revolutionary concept is about three main drivers all men have, deeply ingrained in their DNA.
This is something most women don’t know about.
But once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger this.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel locked in the tower to make him see you as the one.
The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.
The easiest way to do this is by checking out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
All of that and more is included in this informative free video, so make sure to check it out if you want to make him yours for good.
3) He doesn’t want her with any other guys
When a man loves a woman, he wants her all to himself.
If he’s just seeing a mistress for sex then he’s not going to care if she’s spreading the love around, but if his feelings have gotten involved it’s another matter entirely.
In this case he’s going to be concerned about her dating life and trying to make her into his and his alone.
He will ask her where she’s been, check her social media and have a definite attitude of caring who she’s been seeing and why.
This crosses the line from a purely fun mistress who he’s having an affair with into a woman he wants to make his own.
That’s an important difference to consider.
4) He puts big effort into his appearance
Maybe your husband is a guy who likes to look his best at all times.
But if you’ve noticed a definite upgrade to the amount of attention he puts into his appearance, it can be a big sign that he’s falling for his side piece.
Looking decent is one thing, but looking like he just stepped out of an airbrushed GQ shoot is another thing entirely.
If a man is putting an obvious and major effort into his appearance around his mistress then it could be more than just sex with him.
“If he is wearing new cologne, styles his hair a different way or has starting dressing to impress more often, he may be spending his free time in the arms of another woman,” observes Sarah Mayfield.
“This isn’t a sign that he is in love, but it could mean that he’s working on it.”
5) He stops being into sex with his wife
There could be many reasons why he stops being into sex with his wife, but a big one can be that he’s getting it elsewhere.
Of course, sex doesn’t equal love as we all know.
But the point is that once a man has transferred over his sexual interest to another woman it’s very common for his romantic interest to switch over as well.
Men often start having feelings for the woman who provides them the most sexual satisfaction.
And if that woman who’s providing the satisfaction is no longer his wife then his feelings could be shifting away.
6) He starts actively avoiding his wife
Every marriage has its ups and downs.
But the least you’d think you could ask for would be comfortability to be close together and spend some time together.
However one of the clearest signs he loves his mistress is that he starts actively avoiding his wife to spend time with his new paramour.
This includes things like canceling dates, backing out of plans and even literally dodging out of his wife’s way when she comes home or tries to have a word with him about something.
He doesn’t want to engage with her in any way.
“One sure giveaway that he has a mistress is emotional distance.
“It’s not easy to be emotionally invested in two persons at a time, so he needs to create distance between you two because he’s betraying your trust and because he’s trying to assuage his guilt.
“So, if he’s avoiding having conversations with you, or just talking about superficial things, or he has stopped his displays of affection in public, he may be having an affair.”
7) He compliments his mistress on her values and personality
When a man is just having a fling that doesn’t mean much he’s not going to invest much time or energy into the “other woman.”
But when he starts having feelings he will notice things about her and appreciate her on a deeper level.
He may start to value her personality and values in a more profound way because he’s starting to develop feelings for her.
When compliments cross the threshold from just buttering her up to actually starting to fall for her in different ways it’s more about falling in love.
8) He’s shacking up with her
If a man moves in with his mistress then he’s either really into her body or he’s falling for her on a deeper level.
There are situations where a guy will air out his frustrations by temporarily moving in with his mistress…
But more often than not it’s him pulling up stakes and changing his location as well as his infatuation.
If this is happening you shouldn’t be too optimistic.
“Any man who has even an inkling of love left for his family will never take such a step,” writes Woman79.
Sure, in The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Joel Maisel eventually comes back to his wife and family. But that’s because his life with his mistress falls apart.
He doesn’t choose his wife over his mistress. He comes back to his wife because he realizes how shitty his life had become.
Would you want a man like that in your life?”
9) He undermines and gaslights his wife
Gaslighting is when you make someone doubt their perceptions and cause them anxiety and stress about your own wrongdoing.
Cheating husbands are often masters at gaslighting and undermining their wives.
It can be a symptom of broader marital problems, but it can also be something he does to try to provoke fights and justify his jump over to the new woman.
10) He tries to have his cake and eat it too
One of the strangest signs he loves his mistress is that he may try to get her and his wife to be OK with him being with both of them.
This can be camouflage as an “open relationship” or as some kind of kinky arrangement, but it’s usually more about him having feelings for two women.
If a guy does this then there’s a good chance he’s fallen for his mistress.
Otherwise he wouldn’t put in the effort to try to create some happy polygamous family and have everyone in on the deal.
11) He compares his wife to his mistress
When a man is falling for someone new, he’s seeing everything as a kind of comparison.
The mistress isn’t just a nice bed buddy, she’s also a woman who he compares his wife to and judges.
One of the top signs he loves his mistress is that he begins to see her as the golden standard.
Her behavior, beliefs, life choices and even career are all an exemplary model to measure other women against.
12) He over-exaggerates how horny he is to his wife
This one is a bit tricky to understand, but it basically boils down to a man trying to say that he’s cheating because he’s just so horny.
That’s fully possible, and sometimes sexual drives can differ a lot within a couple.
But in many cases this is just a cheap justification whereby he’s disguing a deeper connection with his mistress under the guise that she’s just satisfying his sexual appetites.
Of course he may just be playing around and having sex on the side.
But in many cases he’s disguising his deeper feelings by pretending he just can’t keep it in his pants.
13) He likes talking to his mistress more than his wife
We prize conversations more when they’re with people we’re attracted to.
If he likes talking to his mistress more than his wife then it’s a good sign he loves his mistress.
When he’d rather wake up and shoot the breeze with her than he would with his wife, then you can bet that he’s feeling more than just physical attraction.
That sounds a lot more like a genuine romance that’s brewing.
14) He prefers to spend time with his mistress’ friends and family
We tend to prioritize time with those we love and those close to them.
One of the top signs he loves his mistress is that he’d rather hang out with her friends and family than his wife’s.
He switches social groups and makes her friends his friends.
He goes all in on joining her life, while transitioning away from the social circles which used to define him.
15) He opens up to his mistress about his marriage issues
One of the clearest signs he loves his mistress is that he opens up to her about his marriage.
If he wants more with her than just a roll in the hay, then he’ll often start telling her his marital woes.
He’ll open up to her and let her know his side of the story.
This is basically building his case to make himself the good guy and setting himself up as her next partner.
“He doesn’t want to appear the scoundrel in this situation as he really wants you to think well of him and approve,” notes Sonya Schwartz.
“Running down his marriage is one way to explain his actions and hopefully gain your respect.
“He doesn’t want to be portrayed as an out and out rogue.”
16) He plans a future with her
If he’s planning a future with his paramour then it’s one of the top signs he loves his mistress.
You wouldn’t be thinking about the future with someone you just want to rub bellies with.
This is what a man does when he’s in love and looking at something with more depth down the road.
From picking out a place to live to discussing the future of the relationship, planning the future is something that a man is open to only when he’s falling in love (or already in love).
17) He treats his wife like an afterthought
When a man is falling for his mistress, his wife slides into unimportance.
He may begin treating her as an afterthought and a nuisance in his life.
Her emotions, needs and priorities become annoying things he has to think about when he can.
But it will be clear that he’s not actually interested in helping her out or keeping her in mind.
18) He starts forgetting key dates with his wife
Part of putting his wife in the past and embracing a new love is that a man will begin de-prioritizing everything that is wife-related.
This often leads to missing key dates such as anniversaries or times he had agreed to help out with something.
The result is a lot of hurt feelings and disappointment.
Meanwhile his mistress gets to enjoy the best of him…
“Every human being is capable of forgetting important things; however, he wasn’t like this when you two met.
“He would always put his wife on a pedestal, but now he forgets almost every important date. This is one of the signs a man is in love with his mistress.”
19) He buys expensive gifts for his mistress
Buying gifts for the mistress is a bit of a stereotype, and every guy worth his salt does it.
But buying luxurious or upscale gifts is not something a guy generally does if he’s just having a meaningless fling.
If he’s buying her beautiful diamond bracelets and tasteful artisan earrings which cost a pretty penny, then there could be more going on beneath the surface.
20) He treats his mistress like a queen
One of the biggest signs he loves his mistress is that he treats her like gold.
While his wife slides into irrelevance and being overlooked, his mistress becomes the woman of his life.
He rolls out the red carpet for her whenever possible and does such nice and thoughtful things for her that his wife might wonder if this is the same man she’s married to.
It’s like night and day.
And if this is going on it’s probably because he’s in love with the new woman.
21) He lets his guard down in public
When a guy is having an affair but doesn’t plan to leave his marriage, he’s on his A-Game.
He’s probably mastered wearing a ball cap and some cool shades, and he doesn’t just stroll down the main street of town with his arm candy in tow.
But when he’s in love with his mistress things can look a lot different.
As Lachlan Brown notes, one of the top signs a married man is in love with his mistress is that he stops caring very much whether his wife catches him cheating.
It’s almost as if he’s daring fate to force him to choose.
But of course he’s already made his choice.
22) He wants a divorce from his wife
If a man wants a divorce from his wife there could be 100 reasons.
But if it coincides with him taking up with a new mistress then it could well be that he’s developing feelings for her.
Timing of relationship matters is rarely random.
If he’s fallen in love with someone new it will often go hand in hand with making it official with his wife that things are really over.
23) He tries to get the kids onboard
One of the most important signs he loves his mistress is that he tries to get the kids onboard.
He may become more friendly to his wife and try to get his kids to bond with his mistress.
He wants them to like her and feel like she could almost be a new mom.
It’s pretty dramatic stuff, but it happens all the time when a man shifts his affection to a new woman and wants his kids to be OK with it.
“When you love someone, you want to bring them in on the stuff that matters the most to you,” notes April Maccario.
“It shows he already has designs on replacing you with her, and it would be better to have his children on board.”
24) He puts her in his will
This is getting pretty dramatic here, but no list would be complete without looking at what happens after he’s dead.
If he’s put his mistress into his will, then he clearly values her above the level that you might typically expect.
This is a big step but it’s definitely something that some men do.
25) He tries to get you to give her the stamp of approval
Another of the biggest signs he loves his mistress is that he tries to get his wife to give her the stamp of approval.
He wants his wife to sign off on this new woman or evaluate her for him before he gets more serious.
He wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t love the new woman.
It’s really a brazen move, but there are plenty of men who try to worm their mistress into their life under sneaky tactics as well.
“This may be hard to believe, but there are those who actively try to make their wives and their lovers get along.
“He may start by introducing her into your life as a friend or co-worker.”
26) He tells his wife he loves her
One of the most obvious signs he loves his mistress is that he tells people he loves her.
If he’s getting a divorce and spreading the news around town that he loves her, then he probably does.
If he tells it to his wife directly then it’s going to hurt, but it’s at least direct.
He’s letting her know he’s found someone new who he’s in love with.
It’s about as simple as that.
What are you supposed to do next?
If your husband loves his mistress, you’re in a rough position.
You can’t ignore it, but confronting him will only rub salt in the wound.
It’s hard to know what to do next.
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
It’s sad to say goodbye, but sometimes it’s the only way.
If your man is in love with his mistress then there’s not a hell of a lot you can do.
He’s made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.
Your job now is to move on and mend your broken heart.
Putting yourself first
Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.
What’s your number one goal at the moment?
Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?
To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?
Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?
Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.
And even then…plans fail.
But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…
No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.
I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.
Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.
She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.
So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.
How much do you want it?
Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?
If so, check out the workshop here.
If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!
All the best,
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