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10 signs he is secretly married (and you’re just the mistress…)

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You met this guy and thought that he’s charming. He’s single…well, at least that’s what he said.

But lately, for some strange reason, your gut feeling is telling you that he’s lying—that he’s in fact in a relationship with someone else!

It’s time you find out before you fall too deep.

In this article we will discuss 10 signs that he is actually married, and that you’re just his mistress.

1) He hates surprises

A man who is cheating on his wife with you is very careful with his interactions with you. He wants to make sure he can control and predict every single one.

Because of that, he hates it when you give him surprises. Unannounced visits and calls stresses him off, and a bun in the oven might as well be a death sentence to him.

The last thing he wants is to have you meet him while he’s out on a date with his wife, or for his wife to learn that you exist.

If he seems extremely controlling of the times when you can meet, and gets frustrated and even angry at you for showing up unexpectedly, then you’re probably just a side chick.

2) He plans things out and doesn’t like to make compromises

He wants to plan out your every interaction, and he sticks to incredibly strict requirements.

Things like “I can’t stay any longer than nine”, or “it can only be on the fifth of this month”, or “we can’t go to the mall.”

Now, we all live busy lives, and sometimes it’s important that we plan ahead every time we do something big or important. You wouldn’t want to go on a date with him when you still have a lot of work to wrestle with, for example.

However, the thing with plans is that most people could afford some leeway, especially if they’re on a date. Maybe you can move your date an hour later if it would interfere with something important, or maybe you can afford to stay together a little longer if you had a good time together.

So unless he’s some CEO whose obligations force him to stay on schedule, it’s suspicious if he doesn’t like making compromises at all.

3) He cancels plans often and suddenly

But for all his obsession with making sure things are properly scheduled, he would also cancel his plans suddenly, and without prior notice. Sometimes at the last minute.

You might have gotten mad at him for this many times, and that anger is completely justified. Sure, he might just be a busy person. Or maybe he just has a habit of making too many promises to too many people at once, and has no choice but to disappoint some of them.

But you should also pause for a moment and think. Why is he that way? Are you even willing to go steady with someone so flaky?

This can be a sign that he’s married, because his wife can throw obligations or dates at him randomly, and he has no choice but to go along with it if he doesn’t want her to get suspicious.

After all it is her, and not you, who is his first priority.

4) He doesn’t take you home

You’ve been seeing each other for some time now, but he still hasn’t taken you home. You probably don’t even know where he lives and, if you asked, he would try to change the subject.

So every time you meet, it’s always somewhere else. When you go have sex, it’s always at your place or in a hotel.

This isn’t normal at all. It means that he has something to hide—and that something might just be his wife, or his family.

Men who are serious about the women they’re seeing would have no problems taking you home. They have nothing to hide, and he might as well get you used to the way he lives his life.

5) You don’t know his friends or family

You barely know him. It might be okay for you to know little about the man you’re dating when you’re only a few weeks into your relationship.

But if you’ve been together for months and you still don’t know a thing about who he hangs out with, or have yet to meet his friends and family… something is up.

He might be keeping you away from his circles not because he has no friends (even the most miserable person has at least one), but because he’s afraid they’d spill the beans.

On the other hand, if he had nothing to hide he would try to get you to know his friends precisely because he wants to make sure you get along well with them. Nobody wants to be forced to choose between their friends and their date.

6) He’s secretive and gets upset when you start asking

A cloud of secrecy hangs so heavily around him that it could drown you.

Maybe that sense of secrecy, of mystery was what got you so interested in him in the first place, but secrecy is possibly the worst foundation to build your relationship on.

Healthy relationships rely on mutual trust, after all. And secrets are especially good at destroying trust.

But for men who cheat on their wives, that secrecy is essential. He won’t want his wife finding out about you, and he won’t want you to find out about his wife.

Now, try to pull that veil up and ask him the important questions—where does he live? What are the things he does in his spare time?—he’ll do his best to shut you down. Get especially stubborn and he’ll likely get mad.

As far as his wife is concerned, he’s just busy hanging out with his friends. And as far as you are concerned, he’s just this charming figure who takes you on dates before disappearing into the shadows.

And he wants to keep it that way.

7) He doesn’t add you on social media

Men who are serious about dating you are going to do their best to make sure they don’t lose contact with you. Back in the day, that meant asking for your phone number. These days, that also means trying to add or follow you on social media.

But the thing with social media is that it shows people who’s following who.

If he’s cheating on his wife with you, he won’t bother adding you on social media or asking for a follow. If you were to ask instead he would most likely say no or tell you he doesn’t have an account.

And, in the chance that he does add you on social media, he’s going to give you an account that is very blatantly fake.

That is because if he does have an account on social media, he’s going to have his friends and family following him.

Imagine how disastrous it would be if he were to go home and his wife would tell him “honey, who’s that girl who just followed you?”, or if you were to post something lovey-dovey and tag him, only for his wife to notice you just tagged her husband.

And of course, there’s always the fact that “status:married” will be right there on his profile.

8) His stories keep changing

Liars often slip up and change small details in their stories every now and then.

He might tell you that he wasn’t able to talk to you last month because he was off-state, on a fishing trip to New Orleans. Ask him again, the next time you meet, and he’d say that he was actually swimming in the warm waters of Florida.

The thing with lies is that unless we believe in them with all our heart, we’re going to forget small things about them all the time.

He might remember that his excuse involved doing things involving water in some southern state, but forget which state and what activity.

While this sign alone might not tell you much other than that he’s a liar, when you see it together with at least two other signs written here, you can say that your suspicions have merit.

9) He just isn’t available that often

You know he’s not some kind of super busy CEO, but he might as well be because of how unavailable he is.

He doesn’t contact you that much, and when you try to contact him, he doesn’t stay for long. Call him too often, and he’ll get mad at you.

Chances are that he isn’t usually available to you because most of his time is spent together with his wife. He gets mad when you call him because he doesn’t want his wife to know. As far as he’s concerned, you’re there to satisfy his needs—whether it’s validation or sex or both—when his wife can’t.

And of course, when he does manage to find some time away from his wife, he’s going to try to hit you up as soon as he can.

10) He doesn’t like having pictures of you together

Many cheaters were exposed because their spouses found photos or videos of them online. He would know this and, if he’s smart, try his best to avoid having photos or videos of you together.

The last thing he wants is for his wife to stumble upon you posting about you gushing on and on about your sweetheart—together with a picture of her husband.

Some men might outright get mad at you for insisting on having a photo together.

But the experienced player knows how to avoid having those pictures without you even noticing it. Maybe would quietly step out of the way when someone takes photos, or he might volunteer to be the cameraman every time you want to shoot something.

So go get your phone and check your photos. Are there any pictures showing the two of you together?

What can you do about it?

1) Keep it to yourself

The first thing you should do is to keep things to yourself.

Realizing that you might be the other woman in your relationship is going to sting a lot, and you might be tempted to do things that you would later regret.

If you tell your friends, they might gossip and you’ll become the talk of the town. If you tell your parents, and they’re not the kind of people to be understanding, they might give you a long lecture about it.

That’s why you should keep your mouth shut until you have calmed down and managed to think things through. You will still share this chapter of your life to other people later on, but not now.

2) Think of his wife

Something you should not forget is that as much as he has hurt you, the biggest victim of his infidelity is his wife.

He made the biggest, most intimate promise he could have made to her—marriage—and dragged it through the mud.

If what he did was crush your heart, then what he did to his wife was grind it into dust and throw it into a bonfire.

Don’t try to steal him from her arms. If anything, it’s probably for the best for you to try to find out who she is so that you can tell her what her husband has been doing.

3) Think of your future

There are people who say that if you like him, you should try to make him yours. Make him want to divorce his wife so that he could be with you.

This isn’t a good idea. Think about it—he cheated on her once, what’s to say that he won’t cheat on you when he gets bored of you?

Don’t tell yourself things like “oh, we have true love, he’s not going to cheat on me.” It’s like seeing someone pick up a burning coal, get burnt, and then go “oh, I’ll do the same. I’m not going to get burnt.”

Are you seriously going to risk it?

4) Cut him off and leave him

When all is said and done and you’re completely sure that he is in fact cheating on someone with you, cut him off. It’s up to you whether you should tell him first about what he has done or if you should leave immediately.

But if you want to tell him first, make sure that your heart is set. You’re there to inform him that you’re leaving, and why. Not to debate with him about staying.

After that, make sure you delete his number and wipe any other contacts you might have with him.

Polyamory and Open Relationships—times when it’s okay to be a ‘side chick’

There are times, strange as it may seem, where being the ‘mistress’ is not at all that bad and, in fact, might even be welcome.

Being involved in an Open Relationship

Wives sometimes let their men take mistresses.

It can even be hard to call you a ‘mistress’ in this case, because the wife would also join in from time to time.

When this happens, you can consider yourself part of an open relationship. An open relationship is when a couple permits one another to see other people while remaining married. The ‘other people’ here, be it a side chick or a side guy, would also know exactly what’s going on.

Of course, when you’re the side chick or side guy of an open relationship, you can expect your arrangement to be temporary. In the end, you’re with him because the wife permits it.

Being part of a Polyamorous marriage

Legally, people are only allowed to marry one other person. That doesn’t mean marriages, socially, have to be between two people.

In a polyamorous relationship, everyone involved loves one another. You’re not there to simply make love with and be all sweet with the husband—you’d also be an item with the wife, and any other members of your relationship. You would go shopping together, make dates together.

While this might sound strange—even disgusting—to someone used to strictly monogamous relationships, there’s a trend for non-monogamous relationships like these becoming increasingly common.

Chances are that the day might come when open relationships and polyamory will become as ‘normal’ and socially acceptable as monogamous marriage.

Last words

There are many different reasons why men cheat, but whatever his reasons it’s simply not good to be some guy’s side chick.

He’s breaking his wife’s trust by going out with you, and he gets to toy around with you and lead you along. You can’t even be sure if he’s going to commit or not.

And in the time he keeps you occupied and questioning, you could have found and settled with someone who actually deserves your love.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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