Getting hurt by a guy is bad enough.
Getting hurt by a guy who doesn’t really care is twice as bad.
Here are the warning signs that he’s not even sorry for treating you like dirt.
12 alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you (and what to do about it)
1) He doesn’t say sorry
Perhaps the most obvious of the signs he is not sorry for hurting you is when he doesn’t even say sorry.
The words simply never pass his lips, as if there’s some invisible block on his ability to just say “I’m sorry” and mean it!
It’s bizarre to watch, but it really happens quite a bit.
Men hurt a woman and just can’t bring themselves to say that they are sorry for doing it.
Why is it so hard to say you’re sorry? In most cases it’s an ego-thing.
This guy doesn’t want to feel vulnerable or “wrong” by admitting he treated you poorly or made a mistake that was not acceptable.
“Things like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “That wasn’t my intention, but sorry you’re offended,” and the like are not real apologies.
“They sound like one, but they’re a sneaky way of absolving himself of responsibility.”
Don’t sit around waiting for sorry, you could be waiting your whole life.
2) He says sorry and obviously doesn’t mean it
The only thing worse than a guy who won’t say he’s sorry for hurting you is a guy who says sorry and obviously doesn’t mean a word of it.
What’s the purpose of words that are as empty as the air?
They’re insincere, insulting and vacuous. They mean nothing.
One of the most alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he says I’m sorry over and over.
And each time he says it you know he doesn’t mean it at all and doesn’t give a damn about what he did to you.
It’s an awful feeling, to say the least.
Even if you’re not going to get back together and he’s just passing by or giving you a last call…
It would be nice to hear him truly express some remorse about what went down!
3) He doesn’t try to make up for it in any way
A lot depends on how this guy hurt you. Some of the most common things that men hurt women over and don’t ever make up for include the following:
- He cheated on you
- He benched or zombied you
- He changed how he felt for you suddenly
- He ghosted you out of the blue for no apparent reason
- He let you down big-time during a major life crisis or tragedy
Benching is when a guy leads you on and keeps you as a member of his “roster” to call back up when he gets bored, horny or single for too long.
Zombieing is when he ghosts you and then suddenly reappears months or years later acting like nothing happened. At least actual zombies have an excuse, right?
If you are dealing with a guy who’s hurt you in this way or another, then you know that it can be very hard to accept it and move on.
When he does nothing to make up for it, apart from a few words of apology it’s very disappointing.
After all, the least he could do is at least acknowledge what happened and communicate about it.
There are a million small ways he could at least make an effort.
His failure to do so is fully on him.
4) He doesn’t actually care how you feel
The thing about hurting someone is this:
When you hurt someone unintentionally, you should still care, obviously…
And you should still say sorry and make up for it.
But this is often far from the reality.
One of the top signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he doesn’t really care how you feel.
He has decided his past behavior was justified or no big deal, and however you feel about it is now not very important to him.
Sure, he may smile and nod or pat you on the back.
But he’s more or less decided that if he didn’t intend to hurt you then you being hurt is your problem.
Excuse my French, but that’s bullshit.
And it’s definitely not the bedrock for any solid future relationship down the road.
5) He puts you on the backburner
A guy who’s not sorry about what he did will demonstrate it with his behavior.
Even if he comes back into your life claiming he’s in love and you mean the world to him…
The actions of an unrepentant man will speak volumes.
After all, actions speak louder than words.
And one of the most important actions to watch is how much he actually spends time with you, talks to you or wants you to be part of his life.
Many guys will be fake sorry for something or pop back up into your life when they get a hankering for you…
And then disappear off the radar just as fast.
It’s part of what leads to some pretty nasty divisions between the genders these days. And it’s hard to blame people for being pissed off about this kind of stunt.
6) He pressures you to forgive him and give him a clean slate
One of the most alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he says sorry and does some things to make up for what he did…
But then insistently demands you forgive him.
He wants to go back to “how things were” and any delay is not acceptable to him.
He tries once again to seize control and dominate your mind and emotions.
He’s basically telling you when you’re allowed to be upset or not and when you have to give him the green light.
It’s possessive, controlling garbage behavior on his part.
As Dorothy Field writes, one of the biggest signs he’s truly sorry is that he:
“If he apologizes and doesn’t try to push you to forgive him right away, his intentions are honest.
“He’s not pressuring you to do something you aren’t ready for because he cares about you and owns up to his mistakes.”
When that genuine regret is missing, he’s not really sorry and he just wants you to wipe the slate clean so he can go back to his games.
Don’t bother, you’ll regret giving this kind of snake a second chance.
7) He’s not very loving or affectionate towards you
Another of the most alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he’s not very loving or affectionate towards you.
He expects you to cater to his desires and listen to him when he wants to talk.
But he doesn’t extend the same courtesy to you.
If you’re broken up, he texts you as if he’s doing you a favor and is the past never happened or was just a little bump in the road.
You may end up feeling like a doormat or like you’re being gaslighted and told that your memories are unimportant or mistaken.
That time he cheated on you?
That was so long ago…
And you know he was going through a really hard time…
And things are so different now…
8) He mainly contacts you for naughty reasons
“There’s a time for love, a time for hate, and a time for getting down and dirty…”
There’s my twist on the Byrds and the Book of Ecclesiastes where they took their lyrics from.
My point is that if you’re romantically involved with a guy or used to be, then the subject of intimacy might well come up.
But pay attention to when this subject comes up.
Is it basically every time he contacts you?
There’s no rocket science involved here:
This is him wanting to get in your panties and being uninterested in your heart.
He’s not sorry for hurting you, and he probably will again, especially if you have feelings for him.
Because a guy who has feelings for you won’t treat you like a sex object.
Simple as that.
When a man has really changed, it’s a real sign that he’s sorry about what happened and learned something from it.
When he’s just back once again to scrolling his contacts and seeing how many titty pics he can come up with…
Let’s face it: he’s not worth your time and he’s not sorry about whatever happened.
9) He’s totally uninterested in becoming a better person for you
One of the most alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he’s not at all interested in becoming a better person for you.
He goes along his merry way undisturbed by regret about what led to him hurting you.
Maybe he was overly sex-obsessed…
Had a bad temper…
Or hurt you by being extremely emotionally unavailable.
Whatever it is, he’s showing no signs of changing and may even be reinforcing these behaviors even more.
Not exactly a sign of being sorry, is it?
10) Getting back together isn’t a priority for him
When a man is sorry, then he wants to make things work.
If you broke up over what happened and he’s truly sorry and cares about you, he’ll move Heaven and Earth to try to make it work in the future.
But when he’s not really sorry and just wants to use your body or amuse himself for a few weeks, he won’t care much about making it work.
Relationship talk or discussing what went wrong will clearly be on the very bottom of his to-do list…
Or not even on the list at all.
If he was really sorry and wanting something real with you he wouldn’t be screwing around like this.
It’s important to be honest about that.
11) He’s the king of playing it cool and chill
One of the most unfortunate and alarming signs he is not sorry for hurting you is that he downplays everything.
Even if he knows he is very much to blame for hurting you, he recasts everything he did as unimportant and “no big deal.”
He laughs it off and raises his eyebrows skeptically if it ever comes up in any way.
You are somehow the “crazy woman” for remembering how badly he treated you…
And he’s just a chill guy trying to get on with life.
If this isn’t gaslighting, I don’t know what is…
“He downplays everything. He accuses you of exaggerating whenever you highlight something that warrants an apology.
“He even gets upset at your displeasure and blows the situation out of context in the hope that you will become annoyed and forget about it”
12) He does exactly the same thing that hurt you last time
You know what…
We all learn at our own pace, and I’m not here to pretend to be superior.
Especially when it comes to dating and relationships I’m right back at the beginner level!
But a guy who hurts a girl the exact same way multiple times after saying he’s sorry…
Was never really sorry!
Let me repeat that:
You don’t hurt someone repeatedly in the same way if you’re sorry about hurting them.
You stop, take stock of what happened and do your damn best not to do it again!
It’s not rocket science, right?
Sure, you could say he’s just slow, or thick or cruel or horny or anything else.
But what he also is, is reckless and unapologetic about running roughshod over others.
What to do when he’s not sorry
When you’ve been treated unfairly by someone you trusted and cared for, it feels like a knife in your guts.
You swear you’ll never love again, much less trust anyone.
And who could blame you?
Albert Einstein famously said that if you do the same thing over and over expecting different results it’s the definition of insanity.
You can’t keep giving a guy more chances when he’s already abused your trust so many times before.
And when he’s not really sorry about hurting you!
But I want to encourage you to trust one last person before you throw in the towel on life and love…
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
Leaving the bitterness behind
Leaving the bitterness behind isn’t always easy. The way to do it is, ironically, to stop trying to fight the pain.
When you devalue your own pain or try to force yourself to feel “better” and to not be hung up about what happened, you create a cycle of suffering.
The fact is that this suffering is unnecessary and highly disempowering.
There’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling pain.
In fact, your survival in the face of pain is a sign of your strength and character.
It’s even a potential energy source you can use to fuel your own empowerment and personal creative growth.
Leaving the bitterness behind isn’t about getting over it.
It isn’t about downplaying what happened.
And it isn’t about saying that you should buck up and be tougher.
It’s about letting the pain flow and go where it needs to, as you begin to strengthen yourself and find out more who you are…
As you begin to draw the boundaries that neither you nor anybody else will cross.
“Insecurities are bound to surface from time to time in even the most stable relationships.
“You can’t control your partner’s emotions, but you can be the most supportive, loving version of yourself possible.”
When a man who hurt you refuses and fails to do this it hurts.
We all wish that those we love – or loved – would live up to their potential.
But when they don’t, it’s the time to circle the wagons and do our best on the one thing we can control:
Living up to our own potential.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.