This here is a word of advice to any young lady who’s met a really nice guy.
Looks can be deceiving.
Sometimes he’s truly just a solid man with lots to offer, but other times he’s a raging, jealous monster who could ruin your life.
Here’s how to tell the difference:
15 signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST)
1) He’s just too nice and perfect
I really like the saying “too good to be true.”
I think it’s often correct, in life and in love. If a man seems just plain too good to be true, it’s often because he’s a fake nice guy.
One of the top signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he avoids conflict and is just plain too nice.
He’s always agreeable, shies away from any arguments and gives you the benefit of the doubt even when you’re completely wrong or acting unreasonably.
A genuinely nice guy wouldn’t give you such a free pass.
“Someone who is genuinely nice won’t try to avoid conflict or honest conversations.
They’ll face it head-on because they actually want resolution. They don’t just want to kick it down the road so they can continue getting what a fake nice guy wants – their agenda.
A fake nice guy will avoid conflict because they know things will come crumbling down. A fake facade falls apart when genuine honesty is required.”
2) He’s supposedly a big victim of past women in his life
Another of the biggest warning signs he’s not as nice as you think is when he tells you a sob story about women in his past.
Maybe he really has been treated like dirt and left for dead with his heart ripped out.
Once. Or twice.
But five times, six times, seven?
We’re getting in the zone where you have to wonder what their side of the story is, no?
When a really nice guy speaks about women in his past like they’re the devil incarnate you should have a little red flag come up.
“If he treats other women in his life poorly, or speaks about them disrespectfully, that’s a clear indicator that there’s likely a jerk lurking under that nice exterior.”
3) He’s considerate – but only for a price
Another of the top signs you’re dealing with an undercover jerk and you need to get away from him fast is that he always expects his kind acts to be “paid back.”
If he gave you a back rub last night, the next day he expects you to treat him extra well. He deserves it for treating you so well, apparently.
This kind of transactional thinking is highly toxic and is a hallmark sign of a fake nice guy who’s actually a selfish dick under the surface.
His charm, kind acts, and romantic gestures are all money in the bank for him.
And he expects to be able to make a “withdrawal” whenever he decides to – and you’d better be on your best behavior because he did X, Y, and Z for you, remember?
4) He gaslights you and pretends it’s a joke
Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you think you’re seeing things all wrong because admitting the truth would show them in a bad light.
A cheating husband might gaslight his wife and accuse her of having emotional problems or being toxic, for example.
To cover up for his own guilt he will go on the offensive against her, trying to get her to question her own perceptions and judgments and worry if something is wrong with her.
One of the biggest signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he gaslights you and makes you feel you’re in the wrong when he actually is.
Even if he’s super nice the rest of the time this is one of those dealbreaker behaviors that no woman should have to put up with.
5) He “benches” you repeatedly and then lie about it
“Benching” is when a guy expresses interest in you but won’t commit. He wants you all to himself and other guys to stay away, but he’s just keeping you “on the bench” as an option.
He wants you on his roster, but just as a fallback choice.
Benching is humiliating and harmful to your self-esteem and relationship future.
“You get your hopes up and they are shattered by this person.
The worst part is that you can’t even be mad about it.
These people have been in the game for a long time and know-how to tackle someone who gets their hopes up.”
6) He tries to ‘zombie’ you with no shame
“Zombie-ing” is a highly toxic tactic that fake nice guys use all the time.
When a guy zombies you, he will ghost you only to reappear.
Of course, he’ll have amazing excuses and a big story, but your poor heart will get jerked around like crazy, especially when he turns on the charm and reminds you of the good times.
Does he really want to get back with you or is he just choosing you temporarily and using you for sex or company?
Social psychologist Theresa DiDonato writes:
“Zombie-ing refers to an ex reappearing and resurrecting a relationship.
While most people who initiate ghosting do so as a permanent, if indirect, relationship disengagement strategy, others use ghosting just to temporarily disappear and perhaps return later.
The fake nice guy will dress up zombie-ing as “realizing he has feelings for you.”
But in most cases, he’s straight-up lying. It’s far from nice behavior, to say the least.
7) He doesn’t care about other people in your life
One of the clearest signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he’s super nice to you but doesn’t care much about anyone else in your life.
This includes your:
- Role models
- Anyone else you mention
He may smile and nod to placate you, but if you pay attention it will be totally obvious he really doesn’t give a hoot.
That’s because deep down even though he’s into you and wants you he isn’t actually a nice guy and he isn’t interested in getting to know you on a deeper level, just “having” you.
8) He “switches off” during emotionally difficult moments
One of the best ways to know if you’ve got a real psycho on your hands is to watch what happens during hard times.
When you are in crisis or need help, how does he act emotionally?
The fake nice guy is likely to help out physically, but watch what he does emotionally when you’re crying or ask him to understand a complex subject.
You may notice a small flicker in his eyes as he “shuts off.”
He’s just gone: dissociated, cut off, uninterested. It’s ultra-creepy and it’s the sign of the kind of guy who might one day physically harm you.
Psychology professor Calli Tzani-Pepelasi notes:
“Psychopaths may actually have the ability to feel empathy – both on an intellectual and emotional level – but can choose to disregard it, as if they have an emotional off switch.
Similarly, it seems psychopaths are often aware of the wrongfulness in their negative behaviour, but act in that way in any case due to their lack of self-control.”
9) He never forgets anything you tell him
One of the strongest complaints I hear from women in relationships is that guys don’t listen enough and forget what they tell them.
I get that frustration. But there’s a dark side to a guy who always remembers what you say:
He uses it to control and manipulate you, twisting you in your own words.
This is one of the biggest signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST).
He tracks every little detail and brings it up at the strangest moments, sometimes in controlling ways.
“But you said you’re on a low carb diet, hun,” he chirps when you order nachos on a date night.
Or “what about not getting along with your dad?” when you talk about how much you learned from your dad in a more complex way.
He’s trying to corral and control you: watch out!
10) He keeps tabs on you “for your own good”
It’s nice to have a boyfriend or husband who cares about you.
But a fake nice guy cares just a little too much.
He keeps tabs on you and wants to know where you are all the time supposedly for your own good.
But this can quickly become a kind of obligation that weighs you down and makes you feel trapped and starved of oxygen.
You don’t want to let things get to that point.
It’s another of the top signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST): he tries to run your life and gets pouty, controlling, and weird when you’re away too long.
If this guy doesn’t respect your boundaries and life then he’s not the one for you.
11) His friends are kind of big jerks
You can tell a man’s vices by his friends, his virtues by his enemies.
Your guy isn’t responsible for his friends and I’m not guaranteeing they reflect who he is, but they certainly say a lot.
If they’re kind of big jerks and losers then it’s one of the biggest signs he’s not as nice as you think.
Even the fact that he tolerates or rubs shoulders with dudes who are toxic tells you that he’s got fairly slimy standards.
A truly nice guy sticks up to his boundaries and never enables the shitty behavior of others.
Pay attention to his friend circle: it will tell you a lot.
12) He rests on his laurels all the time
One of the most overlooked signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he rests on his laurels all the time.
This can include bragging about and falling back on:
- His career position
- His past accomplishments
- His friendship or connection to well-known people
- His discoveries, work progress and prestige
- And the respect for him in the wider community
These things may all be 100% true (or not).
But a genuinely nice guy wouldn’t feel the need to keep bringing them up or using them as an emotional ballast.
If he’s doing this then you can bet there’s something a little dodgy about this fellow.
13) He’s always wearing a smile — even on bad days
We all love people who wear a smile even on tough days.
It’s admirable — inspiring even, at times!
But one of the biggest signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he smiles even when things are downright shitty.
He’s got this goofy, full-on grin almost all the time that seems fake as hell.
This pushy happiness is not a good thing.
“He might even pretend to always be happy. But those people are always passive-aggressive.
They are happy, happy, happy until suddenly they hit a boiling point and then he goes ‘boom!’ and explodes on you.”
It’s not nice at all when someone “goes boom” on you, so you should definitely watch out for this type of toxical positive human powderkeg.
14) He often treats strangers disrespectfully and rudely
One of the most glaring signs he’s not as nice as you think (and you need to get away from him FAST) is that he treats those around him quite disrespectfully.
This could be servers, bus drivers, coworkers, or people he isn’t dating.
He may turn on the full charm for you, but observing his behavior honestly throws up all sorts of red flags when you pay attention.
Read dating coach James Sama on this:
“I always encourage women to pay attention to how the man they’re dating treats the waitress/waiter, bartender, doorman, those on the street, or others whom he has no formal interest in.
His level of kindness towards people that he doesn’t anticipate seeing again will speak volumes about his personality.”
15) You feel it deep in your gut
Never underestimate your gut instinct and the power of intuition.
Often you feel a strong attraction and this takes precedence, pushing down reservations and weird feelings you also have about the guy.
He charms your socks off, is handsome, and seems great, so you ignore that nagging feeling that there’s just something off about him.
But you shouldn’t ignore it!
As counsellor and abuse survivor Annie Kaszina notes:
“There was that moment right at the start when, from somewhere deep inside you, there bubbled up the awareness: ‘Yuck. This guy is bad news.’
Sadly, that feeling didn’t come with a 20-page PDF report, a government health warning, or even banner headlines anywhere you looked. So what did you do? You ignored that feeling.”
Is he actually a nice guy or is he a human dumpster fire in disguise?
By now you should have a good idea of whether he’s a nice guy or someone to avoid at all costs.
If you realize he’s not worth your time, it’s time to get away from this guy fast.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
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