You know what they say, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone’. But luckily sometimes you do realize before it’s too late.
When a guy hasn’t been treating you right, and he knows it, he might start to show you signs he doesn’t want to lose you.
So how do you know he doesn’t want to break up? And if he hasn’t come to his senses yet, how do you make a guy feel he’s losing you?
We’ll reveal all in this complete guide.
When a man is afraid of losing you
1) He says sorry for his mistakes
When a guy is genuinely afraid of losing you, he not only apologizes for anything he’s done wrong — but he really means it.
You can probably tell when an apology is sincere. He won’t just throw out the words “sorry” just to get you off his back or to close down an argument.
He’ll show some real remorse.
He’ll look you in the eye, he’ll take his time with it all. He will offer reassurances that things will change. He will show signs of concern for the ways he may have hurt you.
2) He shows a lot of interest in you and your life
From the little things to the big things, when we really care about someone and want them in our lives, we show an obvious interest.
If he wants to keep you around, he needs to invest himself in your life. This includes spending quality time with you, listening to your problems, and being supportive.
It also means showing genuine care about your opinions by asking questions, listening carefully, and paying attention to your concerns.
His clear interest in you should go a long way towards making you feel like he cares about you as much as you do about him.
You shouldn’t have to question it, because he should be showing it.
3) He takes responsibility for his actions
Taking responsibility is more than just saying sorry (which is why it’s a separate point on the list). Anyone can say sorry, but really owning your mistakes is different.
If it has finally dawned on a guy that he stands to lose you, he is going to take full responsibility for any mistakes he has made, or where he has failed you in the relationship previously.
Rather than get defensive or make excuses for himself, he will hold his hands up. He’ll recognize and admit when he’s not been good enough.
He’ll try to understand why you’re upset and work hard to fix whatever it was that caused you pain — particularly if it was him.
Taking self-responsibility for our part in a relationship (and any problems) is the sign of a mature guy who really cares about you.
4) He buys you gifts for no reason
Gifts are great, but they’re obviously not necessary.
If a guy is truly scared of losing you, he may try to flash the cash and buy you something special to prove how much he cares.
It could be flowers, chocolate, jewelry, tickets to a concert, or anything else that makes you happy.
If he’s doing it because he knows he messed up in some way, then it might not fix your problems but it’s a nice gesture.
He is trying to let you know that he values you and is prepared to treat you right.
5) He doesn’t want to argue
Ok, so hopefully none of us really want to argue with our partners. But if he is going out of his way to avoid conflict then he clearly doesn’t want to lose you.
Particularly when there is tension in a relationship, arguments can happen. But he doesn’t want disagreements to escalate.
So maybe he’s prepared to bite his tongue, when before he could be quite moody. Or perhaps he even tells you that he doesn’t want to fight.
Either way, you probably notice a more patient and passive version who is going out of his way to dodge arguments.
This is a man who loves you and is willing to work through issues rather than run away from them.
He knows that fighting with you is the worst move he can make if he wants to keep you close, so he’s going to try to avoid it at all costs.
6) He tries to show you he has changed
As they say, actions speak louder than words.
It’s one thing saying something, but quite another doing it. If he is really worried about losing you, he’s going to take action to keep you in his life.
If he feels at risk of losing you then something obviously needs fixing. If it’s something he has done (or failed to do), then he should be making efforts to try and show you he has changed.
Maybe he is the biggest flirt, and you’ve had enough. Perhaps he has been running hot and cold and you need more of his attention.
Whatever the problem behavior, if he’s scared you are going to walk away, his actions should start to show that he is trying to make amends and do better.
7) He prioritizes you
A man who is afraid to lose you will prioritize you above everything else.
He’ll give you his full attention, whether it’s by spending quality time with you or simply being present in your life.
You can tell if he’s prioritizing you because he’ll be putting in extra effort to make sure you’re happy.
He is suddenly prepared to drop other things to spend time with you.
Maybe his evening out with the boys used to come first, but now he’d rather stay home with you on a Friday night. He might even offer to cancel plans, just to see you.
Especially when he knows he could have been taking you for granted, he’s going to want to prove to you that you are his number one.
8) He does things you like, just because he knows you like them
This one is all about getting into your good books.
He wants to keep you sweet and show how much he wants you to be in his life. So he is prepared to put your needs and wants first for a change.
He is fine with going to your favourite bars or places to eat. He suggests doing activities that he knows you are into — even when they’re really not his thing.
He is sort of letting you get your own way.
He just wants to spend time with you. And he is trying to let you know that he’s making an effort by doing all the things he knows you enjoy most.
9) He tries to be your hero
Has he suddenly gone all Superman? Trying to impress you?
It could be anything from being more gentlemanly towards you, to being more protective all of a sudden.
The fear of losing you may have triggered his hero instinct. And for guys it’s ALL about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
10) He messages you all the time
Blowing up your phone with texts or calls serves two purposes for him when he’s scared of losing you.
Firstly, it is a way of checking in on you and seeing where your head is at. Secondly, it’s a way for him to show through his actions how important you are to him.
If you’ve ever had a boyfriend who was always texting you every day, you’ll understand the importance of this one.
At the end of the day, it’s just about giving someone plenty of attention. And when we don’t want to lose them, we are happy to do this.
It shows that he cares enough to keep you updated on everything that’s happening in his life and that even when there’s not much to say he still wants to chat.
11) He shows everybody that you are his girl
If a guy is afraid of losing you, he isn’t afraid of putting labels on the relationship.
He’ll be happy being exclusive and making it official. He’ll refer to you as his girlfriend (to both you and other people). Maybe he even uses pet names.
He isn’t going to try to hide you on his social media. You can comfortably post pictures together without him being worried about who might see.
He’s perfectly ok with PDA when you two are out together.
In short: You are his girl and he wants the world to know it.
12) He tells you how much he cares
There can be a stereotype (which is kind of true) about men being the less communicative of the sexes.
Finding the words can be hard, but if he is serious about keeping you in his life he’ll know that he needs to leave you in no doubt about the way he feels.
So when a guy feels like he has lost you or is losing you, he’ll tell you how much he cares, loves you or misses you.
Most of us need to hear caring words from our man so that we feel secure that they value us.
If he is telling you how much he cares, it’s a great sign that he wants to keep you close.
13) He gets a bit jealous
If he’s nervous about other guys who could come along and take you away it’s one of those signs he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
Even though we often think of jealousy as an exclusively negative emotion in a relationship, it’s not always the case.
In fact, research has shown that a little dose of the green-eyed monster can be a good sign. It proves that we care.
Jealousy is an emotional response to the threat of losing something of value from a romantic relationship.
So it stands to reason that if we don’t ever get jealous, then maybe we don’t care as much as we should.
14) He talks about the future
When a guy is nervous about losing you, he’ll talk even more about the future.
Maybe he mentions plans for the weekend or things he’d like to do with you. He may also talk about how much he’s looking forward to spending time with you.
This is all part of showing that he values you and wants to be around you.
If he’s really trying to prove his commitment he may even be speaking very long term.
Perhaps he talks about taking a vacation together or even drops hints that he sees you as wifey material.
You know that when he starts to talk about baby names that he wants to lock you down and doesn’t want to lose you.
Discussing the future is a way that he can signal to you he is serious and committed. He is making plans to ensure he keeps you in his life
15) He can’t do enough for you
He wants to pick you up from work. If you have any errands that need running he’s the first to offer his services. If something needs fixing in your apartment, he’s there in a flash.
He’s always checking on you, making sure you’re ok, if there’s anything you need he wants to provide it — are you thirsty? do you want something to eat?
Yep, he is for sure putting in the work.
Plain and simple this is sucking up, and it usually comes when he is afraid to lose you, or to make up for some recently bad behavior.
Regardless, enjoy the butler service whilst it lasts!
16) He makes more time for you
It’s not just about doing stuff for you, it’s about spending quality time with you too.
Whether he takes you out for dinner or goes shopping with you, he will make time for you. This shows that he values you and is willing to invest in your happiness.
If he is the one planning dates with you, he’s being clear that he wants to be around you.
This is especially significant if how often you see him has been a problem in the past. For example, you haven’t felt like you were seeing him enough or like he was making enough effort to create space in his life for you.
The more time he spends with you the more afraid he is of losing you.
17) He’s being generous in the bedroom
You know a guy is doing his best to impress when he pulls out all the stops in the bedroom.
Sadly, not every man is a generous lover who cares about meeting the needs of his partner.
If he is being extra attentive in the bedroom it’s likely because he does care about meeting all your needs — and that includes sexual.
If he is clearly putting your pleasure before his own then it’s one of those signs he is serious about keeping you in his life.
He may also be trying to make things up to you. And although flowers are great, nothing says sorry quite like an orgasm.
18) He makes more effort
Making more effort can come in many different forms. The key part is that you notice he is trying harder.
Maybe he’s calling you more often than usual, maybe he’s texting you more frequently. It could be that he’s going above and beyond to show you that he cares.
Or perhaps he’s doing something nice for you that you don’t expect. Maybe he’s cooking you dinner, or buying you a gift, or simply giving you more hugs, kisses and physical affection.
Whatever it is, if he is showing you that he is trying to make up for any past mistakes, it means he’s scared of losing you.
He is hoping that as long as he continues to try, you’ll continue to keep him close.
19) He wants to hang out with your friends and family
One of the biggest signs that he really wants to stay in your life is when he starts hanging out with your friends and/or family.
That’s a way of showing you that he knows you are special and that he wants to get to know the important people in your life.
When a man is serious about you, at some stage he will expect to start to merge lives a bit.
That means you meet his friends and he meets yours, and that you start to hang out together.
When a guy tries to hide you from his friends it’s one of those strong signs he just wants to keep you around, but maybe isn’t serious about you.
20) He really listens to you
Listening is powerful, but a lot of us don’t know how to do it right.
We don’t give people our full attention and show them that we really hear them. If your man genuinely listens to you it’s a strong sign of respect.
Especially if you’ve been having some relationship issues, if he’s afraid to lose you, he’s going to listen.
He will want to hear how you feel, what you think, and what you need from him in order for him to stay in your life.
If a guy is dismissive and doesn’t make time to hear you out, it’s a red flag that he isn’t putting in the effort he needs to keep you by his side.
21) He really cares about your feelings
If you are hurting, he isn’t dismissive. He won’t try to minimize your emotions or gaslight when you raise issues with him.
If he is serious about keeping you in his life then he wants to know what both hurts you and what makes you happy.
A guy who tries to shut you down when you want to tell him how you feel probably isn’t that worried about losing you. But a man who reacts to your feelings on the other hand is.
22) He makes you feel loved
Even if you’re not at the stage yet where you’ve said those 3 little words — it doesn’t matter.
Love isn’t just a word, it’s an action. Or as Massive Attack put it:
“Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word”
Depending on his love language, he may decide to make you feel loved through words of affirmation (aka saying nice things), quality time, physical touch, acts of service (doing nice things for you), or buying you gifts and treating you to things.
It matters less how he shows you that he cares, it just matters that you feel loved and valued.
What does it mean when someone isn’t afraid of losing you?
We’ve seen the telltale signs he is afraid to lose you, but what if it seems like he isn’t?
Being scared of losing someone does show some insecurity in the relationship. When you are in a very healthy and stable relationship you probably should not be worried about losing someone.
So to a certain extent, it can be a good thing if someone isn’t afraid of losing you.
But the reality is that we are always a little scared of losing the things we value most in life.
That means if they are not afraid to lose you at all, especially if you have been having problems, it isn’t a good sign.
Perhaps he doesn’t yet understand that he is at risk of losing you, or maybe he just cannot see your true value when he really should.
So if he hasn’t come to his senses, what do you do? How can you get him to realize before it’s too late?
How do I make him worry about losing me? 9 things to do
1) Call him out on any bad behavior
All too often when we are afraid of losing someone we play the “cool girl”.
We might put up with things that we really aren’t happy with. We could pretend that we don’t mind and it’s all fine. But really we’re worried we’ll push him away by standing up for ourselves.
There’s a world of difference between being a diva or high maintenance and simply expecting respect in a relationship.
Sometimes guys genuinely don’t realize when they’ve done something wrong, and sometimes they’ll just try and get away with it and hope you don’t call them out.
When he acts selfishly, inconsiderately, disrespectfully — or in a way that falls below your standards— then you have to let him know.
Tell him that you are hurt. Tell him if he has been disrespectful or rude. Tell him that he acts like he doesn’t care.
He has to know what is and what isn’t acceptable to you, and he needs to know he’s not going to get away with it.
Essentially it’s all about having healthy boundaries within a relationship. This will show him that you are high-value and don’t put up with BS.
2) Don’t be clingy
It can feel counter-intuitive, but when we want to keep someone close, one of the best things we can do is to give them their space.
If he really cares and doesn’t want to lose you he’ll come back. Needy or desperate behavior is always a turn-off.
If you start acting needy or clingy, he is more likely to pull away. He’ll think you are insecure and he’ll wonder why you need to hold onto him so badly.
You don’t want to be the kind of girlfriend who wants to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend. You want to be the sexy girlfriend who is confident enough to give her man some freedom.
Be sure to give him space when he asks for it because he will appreciate it.
3) If you feel him pulling away, trigger his hero instinct
This relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.
It’s all about how men are genetically programmed and what they need from a relationship to commit.
In a nutshell: when a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to be afraid of losing you.
When he isn’t showing up in your relationship the way you want him to, the key is getting through to your man in a way that empowers both him and you.
By appealing directly to his primal instincts, you won’t only solve this issue, but you’ll take your relationship further than ever before.
And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over a text.
You can learn exactly what to do by watching this free video by James Bauer.
4) Don’t run around after him
Another big no-no is chasing after him.
You certainly don’t have to play hard to get, nobody has time for games. But the truth is that if you have to chase after him, he doesn’t need to put in any effort because you are doing all the work.
He’s never going to be afraid of losing you if he feels confident that you are always available.
Chasing after him is another sign of insecurity and even potentially desperation. It shows that you’re trying too hard to win him over.
Instead, focus on being yourself and letting him see you at your best.
If he doesn’t message you when he should, don’t chase him up. Don’t contact him more than he contacts you. Only contribute energetically to the relationship in the same way he does.
Similarly, if you do lots for him — favors, errands, cooking, or taking care of him in certain ways, etc. — be mindful that you want to be his partner and not his mother.
Unfortunately doing more and more for a guy isn’t always the way to get them to notice you. In fact, often the more you do for them, the more they will take it for granted.
5) Show him your independence
Being independent doesn’t mean doing everything for yourself. As the hero instinct highlights, men want to feel like you want them around and that they are useful to you.
But it does mean keeping a sense of healthy autonomy in a relationship.
Pursue your own interests, spend time with your own friends, and don’t be afraid to put your own self-care in front of his.
One of the best things you can do to make him afraid of losing you is to have a fabulous life and show him what he is missing.
Don’t stay home waiting for him to make plans, get out and have fun. He’s likely to realize quickly that you won’t always be around if the next time he calls you are already busy.
A certain amount of independence is super attractive. And it also makes him feel good about himself because he knows you value yourself enough to spend time away from him.
6) Dress to impress
In an ideal world, every guy would be mature enough to know when he’s onto a good thing and put in the work to show you.
But we don’t live in an ideal world, we live in the real world. In the real world, some guys might need a little nudge every now and then for it to hit home.
Shall we be honest?
We’re all capable of a little bit of shallow behavior, both guys and gals.
When your girl is looking so good, all of a sudden you might start to be that bit more attentive.
Is it right that we feel the need to use our assets to manipulate the situation a bit? Maybe not.
But does it work? Often it does.
Show him just how lucky he is to have you by dressing to impress.
7) Keep your cool
It can be incredibly frustrating when you are not being treated right. But the more you get annoyed the more you will likely push him away.
I know it seems unfair. You get irritated because he hasn’t been showing up for you in the way you want. But getting angry only gives him fuel to complain that you are nagging or being too demanding.
Yes, make sure you tell him like it is, but don’t get heated. Show him that you don’t have the time and energy to waste on getting mad.
Keep it cool and classy and prove to him just what a lady you really are.
8) Take a step back
Taking a step back can be really helpful for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, he will notice that you have withdrawn a bit. Maybe you’re not as available as you once were, you take a while to reply to messages, and you start to put up clearer walls to protect your heart.
Whatever it looks like, it’s not about going cold, it’s just about consciously having a bit of dostance until you know you can get from him what you need.
Hopefully, this will be enough to give him the kick up the butt that he may need, and make him scared that he might lose you.
Secondly, it gives you some space around things to think. You can decide how you really feel, and what you want to do next.
Especially if it all has gelt quite intense, this little breather can help you to get some perspective over the situation.
9) Be prepared to walk away
I started this article by saying that sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, and sadly that really can be the case.
If you are too afraid to lose him, he’s never going to be afraid to lose you — because he knows that no matter what he does, he probably won’t lose you.
You can’t be afraid to be single. Cultivate that inner confidence to know that even if you want him, you certainly don’t need him.
It’s an unfortunate fact of life that we can’t ultimately make anybody do or feel anything they do not want to.
That means you can’t make him be afraid to lose you, that has to come from him.
He has to look inside and decide that you are important enough for him to make the effort to keep you by his side.
If he can’t treat you the way you deserve then he doesn’t deserve you in his life.
If he can’t change his ways…boy bye!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.