So you’ve been dating this guy for some time and you feel like things are going okay, but not great – what do you do about that?
Do you keep giving the relationship time and energy, or do you call it a day and go home?
It’s not that you aren’t interested; you are definitely interested in making this thing work.
But you feel like maybe he’s not as invested in the relationship as you are.
It’s a hard place to be because you will start to feel like everything he does or doesn’t do is a sign that he’s not that interested in you.
Those thoughts can be overwhelming.
If you’re struggling to decide on whether or not he’s into you, here are 20 ways to tell that he’s not. Once you see them, you’ll know.
1) You have to initiate all of the conversations.
If you only talk to this guy when you make the effort to send him a text, email, or you pick up the phone and call him, he might not be that into you.
Professional matchmaker Kimia Mansoor says that when a guy is smitten, he’ll want to learn as much as possible about you.
Yes, he may be nervous and intimidated by you because he likes you, so you’ll make want to make sure that isn’t the case first.
But if you are making all the effort and he’s not even responding, let alone starting the conversations, it might be time to move on.
2) You notice him flirting with other women in front of you.
If your guy hasn’t let go of his flirtatious behavior after dating you a few times, it could be that he’s not really invested in the relationship the way you are.
It’s likely that this bothers you more than you are letting on so be honest with yourself about whether or not you think it’s okay for him to do that and then make a decision about whether or not to carry on in the relationship.
He’s probably not putting that much thought into it so maybe you shouldn’t either.
After all, flirting may be natural in some cases.
According to David Givens, an anthropologist, “when you have to get males and females close together to exchange genetic material, there are signs that have evolved to show safeness and interest…There are the signs and signals that make up our flirting, and they go way back some 500 million years.”
3) He doesn’t seem to care if you flirt with other men.
In retaliation of his flirtatious behavior, you start to flirt with other guys and your man doesn’t even seem to care.
It could be that he’s comfortable with your relationship and trusts you not to cheat, but it’s more likely that he just doesn’t care what you are doing because he’s not interested in making this relationship stick.
Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch says:
“Jealousy is among the most human of all emotions. You feel jealous when you think you are going to lose a relationship you really value.”
If he’s not getting jealous, perhaps he just doesn’t care enough.
4) He doesn’t ask you to hang out.
You always have to ask him to do stuff like going to the movies or out to dinner.
If every date is your idea and your man doesn’t offer any suggestions to hang out or even watch television together on a Saturday night, he’s already checked out.
He might just be a relaxed type of guy that doesn’t like to initiate, but most likely, he just isn’t invested enough to make a time commitment.
It’s time to move on and give him an ultimatum. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to hang out.
5) You feel like he’s not listening.
When you are together – which isn’t very often – you feel like he’s on another planet or has his face buried in his phone. Is he listening? Who knows!
But if you feel like he’s not, you are probably right. You can try testing him to see if he is, but more often than not you’ll just find yourself frustrated with his lack of interest in your conversations.
According to professional matchmaker Coree Schmitz:
“In today’s society where being present in a conversation is one of the hardest things to do, giving a new person full attention during [a conversation] is one of the highest compliments.”
So if he isn’t listening, it might be a sign that he doesn’t respect you.
It’s best to find someone else to talk to if you feel like he doesn’t care to listen to you.
6) You have no idea who his friends are.
A guy who has no interest in continuing a relationship won’t invite you to meet his friends. If it’s been any length of time and you’ve heard all about his buddies but he’s never introduced you, be aware: he might not want them to meet you.
It could be that he’s embarrassed about the kinds of people he hangs out with, but if you couple that avoidance with everything else he’s been doing, it’s more like he doesn’t want his friends to meet the person he’s dating.
7) You can only hang out when it works for him.
When you set up a date, he never makes concessions to make time for you and always puts his job, friends and family first.
While that seems noble and loyal at first glance, it’s pretty annoying after a while and you might start to feel like you are not a priority for him in his life.
According to Venessa Marie in Insider, relationship strategist, flakiness is a huge sign that someone doesn’t really like you all that much.
If it is only one time, that’s acceptable, but if it is a regular pattern, that could become a problem.
8) You don’t think he’s trying hard to get your attention.
Guys like it when girls pay attention to them. If your guy isn’t making a fool of himself in some way, at least some of the time to try to get your attention, it might be that he doesn’t care if he has it.
It’s hard to hear, but guys have telltale signs of being into a girl. Wanting to be close and trying to get your attention are always at the top of that list.
Remember, his actions are the best guide you have as to how he feels about you, according to psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson:
“Pay twice as much attention to how someone treats you than what they say. Anybody can say they love you, but behavior doesn’t lie. If someone says they value you, but their actions indicate otherwise, trust their behavior.”
9) He doesn’t seem to give you any extra attention.
Not only is he not trying to get your attention, but he’s paying you none in return. This relationship is stale and he’s not into you. Call a spade a spade and move on.
You’ll save yourself the heartache from investing any more time into someone who doesn’t pay attention to you.
According to neuroscientist and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen:
“Falling in love — or rather falling in lust — activates those pleasure centers housed in [the basal ganglia] which causes an immediate physiological response. The heart beats fast, your hands will get cold and sweaty and you’re super-focused on that person
10) You question the relationship.
If, even after all of this has been proven wrong, you still feel like he’s not into the relationship or you wonder if you really are, it’s time to consider your options.
You might be wondering if things will get better or if he’ll come around. Do you really want to wait around to find out?
Make your choice and go find a man who wants to be with you and is deserving of your time, energy and affection.
11) He’ll lead you on and then fall off the map.
Everything seems to be going great when you are together but then you don’t hear from him for days on end.
He sends you sexy texts but then doesn’t respond. He doesn’t return your calls. He isn’t available. What’s up with that? He’s not into you if he’s not making the effort.
12) He’ll ignore your calls and respond late to your messages
He calls when he wants to talk but he won’t take your calls no matter how many times you dial his number. Is there another woman? Is there another man? What is going on exactly? Who knows!
But one thing is for sure, if he wanted to talk to you and had an interest in being with you, he’d pick up the phone or answer your message immediately.
According to certified counselor Jonathan Bennet:
“One of the surest signs someone likes you over text is a rapid response. “This shows that the other person is excited to receive your messages and wants to keep the conversation going. It demonstrates that answering you is a priority, even above and beyond other commitments.”
So if they’re taking forever to reply to you and they’re not even giving you thoughtful answers when they do reply, then it likely that they might not like you.
13) He’ll avoid setting a time for another date.
You’ve had a few dates but when the conversation turns to lock in a 3rd or 4th date, he turns cold. You can’t read him and he seems to be overly busy from now until the end of time.
Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples therapist, told INSIDER that making someone a priority is a key indicator as to whether they like you or not.
You might give him the benefit of the doubt, but your best bet is to give him the old boot and move on.
14) He only calls you for sex.
He might not pick up the phone when you call, but he sure does remember who you are when he’s feeling frisky in the middle of the night or on a random Tuesday evening.
You can’t get a read on his intentions beyond the bedroom. Give him a test and see if he accepts: invite him to dinner or a movie where clothes are not optional and see if he’s down with it. If he’s just playing you for sex, he’ll decline.
According to Heather Cohen, a research scientist, “putting allo your positive ‘eggs’ in the sex basket is risky”. The truth is, if a guy really likes you, they’ll enjoy many different aspects of the relationship.
15) He’s all over the place emotionally.
If your guy seems to be hot for you one minute and then ice cold the next, you might be wondering what’s going on.
You’re not alone: it’s hard for girls to read guys whose emotions are unpredictable. It’s usually the other way around, truth be told.
If your guy is not showing up for you consistently, it’s time to look for someone who can.
16) You can’t count on him.
Speaking of consistency, you can’t count on this guy to show up for dates he’s confirmed and you know he’s not going to call you back even though you left four voicemails.
What are you doing? Ask yourself that question and then get real so you can get on with your life.
If you can’t count on him when there’s nothing at stake, what will he do when there is?
17) You don’t know who he hangs out with.
You’ve been off and on for a while but you’ve got no idea about his life outside your relationship. He doesn’t know your friends and you don’t know his.
What’s his mother’s name again? Who knows! He never told you. He’s keep you at a distance because he’s not really interested in taking this relationship to any level, let alone the next level.
18) You’re not having sex.
Rather than bugging you for sex, this guy isn’t even trying to get in your pants. If he’s just hanging out and happy to watch television and not interested in taking your relationship to a new place physically, something’s up.
It might be that he just wants to be friends, but it’s more likely that he doesn’t see this going anywhere and he’s not getting emotionally involved.
19) He’s not made a commitment to you.
If he’s running around with other women or is downplaying other causal relationships he has had in the past, it might be a warning to you that he’ll be seeing others whether you like it or not.
If you see him with another woman in public, don’t panic. But do make time to talk to him about your expectations of the relationships.
Don’t be surprised if he says he’s not interested in a long-term relationship right now though.
20) He’s downright mean.
Look, if this guy is treating you like crap, it’s on you that you aren’t getting the not-so-subtle messages that he doesn’t want to be with you.
Take your pride and your worth and go find someone who will be nice to you and love you for who you are.
Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking that bad attention is, at least, attention. You deserve more.
The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life
If you haven't already, check out Hack Spirit's most popular eBook: The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life.
Within my book you’ll discover the core components of achieving happiness, anywhere at any time through:
- Creating a state of mindfulness throughout the day
- Learning how to meditate
- Fostering healthier relationships
- Healing from pain and trauma
- Unburdening yourself from intrusive negative thoughts
Sign up to Hack Spirit's daily emails
Learn how to reduce stress, cultivate healthy relationships, handle people you don't like and find your place in the world.