Lachlan Brown
It took me far too long to realize she liked me.
In fact, by the time I understood the signals, the window had already closed. She had moved on, and I was left with that dull, aching feeling we all know: not the pain of rejection, but the regret of missing something that was there all along. The signs weren’t hidden. I was just looking at them through the wrong lens.
Looking back, I can see how much of my confusion came from extremes in thinking. I either assumed a woman liked me and risked coming on too strong, or I assumed she didn’t and withdrew entirely. I swung between hope and avoidance, flattery and self-doubt. What I was missing was the Middle Way—a concept from Buddhism that changed not only how I view attraction but how I understand human connection itself.
The subtle edge between interest and indifference
We live in a culture that encourages certainty. Articles list “10 definite signs she’s into you” like it’s a math equation. But attraction isn’t always loud. It’s not always playful touching or dramatic eye contact. Sometimes, it’s a softness in the voice when she speaks to you and not others. A moment of silence she lets linger. A question she didn’t have to ask.
Psychologically, we tend to look for confirmation, not curiosity. When I first learned about confirmation bias in university, it was presented as a flaw in logic. But emotionally, it’s how we protect ourselves. If we believe someone isn’t into us, we focus on the behaviors that confirm it, even if other signs contradict that narrative. We want to be sure. We don’t want to be foolish.
And yet, this search for certainty often blinds us to nuance. In trying to protect ourselves, we tune out the quieter signals.
Before I understood the Middle Way
Years ago, there was a woman I worked with. She would remember the smallest things I said. Laugh at jokes no one else even heard. Invite me into her personal world in subtle but sincere ways. And yet, she never flirted in the way I’d learned to expect. There were no overt compliments or long stares. I told myself she was just being nice.
So I stayed silent. I acted polite, professional, distant. When she finally began dating someone else, I felt a strange grief—not heartbreak, but the weight of having misread something important. I later found out from a mutual friend that she had liked me. A lot.
The old me thought I needed more signs. The new me understands that I needed more balance.
What the Middle Way taught me about emotional perception
In Buddhism, the Middle Way is the path between extremes—neither indulgence nor denial. Applied to relationships, it means not rushing to label emotions as either “she definitely likes me” or “she definitely doesn’t.”
This mindset shift opened something powerful in me: awareness. I began to notice not just the signs I was trained to look for, but the emotional atmosphere between two people. I started tuning into tone, timing, openness. I saw how often people—especially women conditioned to be cautious with their feelings—express interest not through bold gestures, but gentle presence.
There is a psychological parallel here too. Social psychologist Nalini Ambady’s research on “thin slices” of behavior suggests we can make accurate judgments from just a few seconds of interaction. But that accuracy comes from mindfulness, not judgment. The more we cling to preconceptions, the less attuned we are.
After I embraced presence over projection
A few years after that missed connection, I met someone new. She was reserved. Polite. We shared a few meaningful conversations at a group retreat, but there were no big moments. The old me would have written it off.
But this time, I stayed in the moment. I noticed how her body turned toward me when she spoke, even in a crowded room. I noticed how she asked about things I had only briefly mentioned. I didn’t assume—but I also didn’t deny. I simply stayed open.
And slowly, something unfolded. A message here. A walk there. A sense of safety that grew between us, not because either of us pushed it, but because neither of us needed to control it. She later told me she had liked me from the beginning but didn’t know if it was mutual. And for once, I had been able to meet that unspoken question with presence.
Mindfulness as a way to notice what doesn’t scream
Mindfulness isn’t just about meditation. It’s about noticing. When we bring mindful attention to our relationships, we start to sense what’s happening beneath the words. Is she leaning in? Does her voice change when she says your name? Is there a softness in how she holds eye contact, not for long, but just long enough?
In the past, I would have needed certainty. Now, I realize that interest isn’t always declared—sometimes, it’s offered like a hand resting lightly on a table. Not reaching out. Just… available.
`The freedom of letting go of proof
There is a quiet freedom in no longer needing proof. When we live in extremes—needing to know or refusing to believe—we miss the living truth in front of us. But when we live the Middle Way, we become receptive. We make space for the signals that are soft, human, and often imperfect.
So if you’re wondering whether she likes you but is hiding it, consider this: maybe she isn’t hiding it. Maybe she’s simply expressing it in a language you haven’t yet learned to hear. And maybe, just maybe, what she needs isn’t a bold move from you—but a calm, open presence that invites her to step forward.
That’s the gift of the Middle Way. Not chasing. Not retreating. Just meeting the moment—and the person—exactly where they are.
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