She’s sweet to you one day, then the next she’s cold.
Often, she doesn’t seem to be putting as much effort into the relationship as you, but she’s still enjoying herself.
Cruel? Heartless? Not so fast. She may instead actually be emotionally unavailable.
Emotional unavailability can be difficult to pinpoint exactly.
Most of the time, you might simply feel like something’s up between the two of you but you can’t put your finger on it.
It’s important to recognize it early to protect the both of you from pain and heartbreak.
To help you clear things up, here are 17 traits that are common to emotionally unavailable women.
1. She Doesn’t Want To Commit To Anything
So you’ve been going out together for a few months already.
The status of your relationship is still up in the air, however.
You aren’t sure if she’s your partner or if she still isn’t ready for a relationship.
When you try to set plans to go out, she might answer yes today, but no tomorrow.
When you’re out in public, it might not even seem like you’re as close as you thought. What gives?
Emotionally unavailable people tend to avoid commitments, from dates to labels.
They might still need to process feelings from a past relationship, or they themselves are still unsure of what they want.
2. She Doesn’t Open Up To You
Relationships are more than just getting physically intimate.
Being able to connect with one another emotionally is just as important.
This is why it might’ve been bothering you when you try to ask her how she’s feeling, she brushes you off.
You might notice that something’s clearly bothering her. When you ask what’s wrong, she’ll tell you that everything is fine (when it might not actually be).
You want to get to know her more, and at a deeper level, but she just keeps shutting you down. But she doesn’t seem to hate you or ignore you either.
This might mean that there’s something that’s on her mind that you may need to discuss with her about.
3. The Effort In The Relationship Feels Lopsided
When you think about your current “relationship” together, you realize that you’re always the one making the effort.
You’re always the first to text them; you’re the one that plans all the dates and activities for you.
While she may treat you to something every once in a while, you’ve treated her to things far more.
You feel like you’re carrying the relationship and putting all the effort in.
While it’s true that relationships shouldn’t be measured and tracked, it’s still important to realize that it’s also a two person job.
Emotionally unavailable people tend to view relationships as more of a casual thing, rather than something serious and for the long term.
4. She Shows Mixed Signals
One day, you’re playfully chatting. Then the next day, her responses are cold, and she seems distant.
You become confused and you’re unsure what’s going on.
This inconsistency is common in those that are emotionally unavailable.
Although time spent together is great fun, emotionally unavailable people tend to want to avoid anything getting too intimate and, well, “relationship-y.”
So she backs away at the slightest hint that you’re getting too close.
5. She Needs Your Constant Attention
When you’re out at a party and she’s at home, she always wants you to keep in touch with her. Maybe she constantly wants to call you.
When you’re out together and she sees you looking around, she might become jealous and start interrogating you about who you were looking at – when in reality, you weren’t really looking at anything.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust in partners.
That means that when you’re apart, you don’t worry about whether they might find someone more attractive or more enjoyable to be around than you.
When she’s looking for constant attention from you, that may be a red flag that she might not be ready for anything serious just yet.
6. She Needs To Have The Last Word
When you suggest places to eat, she rejects all of your options – except for the one that you know she wanted to go to all along.
Although it might feel like you’re doing all the work in the relationship, if she doesn’t agree with it, then it’s a no-go. Things always seem to have to go her way.
Although give and take is important in any relationship, it can become toxic when only one person is making the decisions.
When you find her domineering or walking all over you, you’ll need to talk to her about it. Healthy relationships are supposed to be two-way streets.
Always wanting to take control of every aspect of the relationship – even how you act – is a common trait among the emotionally unavailable.
7. She Has Impossibly High Standards
We’ve all seen the movies and fairytales of the two characters coming together and living happily ever after. She knows it too – and uses that as something of a template for your relationship.
She always wants everything to be perfect: perfect date, perfect talks, perfect photos. If one small detail is incorrect, she may break down or throw a fit.
She can’t accept minor flaws, and that’s the problem.
Her standards are impossibly high, so they’re often exhausting to meet.
8. She Gets Angry Often And At Small Things
Maybe you forgot to get you a snack on your way back to her, or that you misspelled her name somewhere online.
These things may be minor mistakes that others can laugh about – but not her.
With her steep standards, she’s strict about keeping everything in your “relationship” perfect.
Even light and playful teases might tick her off and cause her to get unnecessarily angry towards you.
You often feel stressed about the relationship because you have to tiptoe around so many topics and phrases.
9. Conversations Are Often One-Sided
When you’re in a conversation together, it always seems like you’re the only one talking.
While you might consider her a good listener, she rarely shares her own opinions and ideas.
She nods and makes good eye contact, but when you ask for her opinion, she might shrug or give few-word answers.
She might just reflect your emotions back at you without giving much input.
She doesn’t seem to make the effort to ask you questions to understand you more either.
While you ask her about her life and what she wants to do, she doesn’t bother asking those of you too.
It might seem odd to you at first, but take a step back and ask yourself (and her) if she really is interested in what you have to say. If she isn’t, that might be a problem.
10. You Never Get To Discuss Your Relationship
At some point in the months that you’ve been seeing each other, you wanted to sit down and discuss the relationship.
“So what are we?” is the question that you so desperately want to ask – and the question she avoids answering.
She might just brush it off or say, “Isn’t it enough that we’re enjoying ourselves?”
Maybe in the short term, sure.
But you may be looking for a serious relationship here.
Emotionally unavailable people avoid planning for the future. They often look for fun without commitment.
11. She Doesn’t Want To Meet People Close To You
Meeting friends and family is a milestone in any relationship – which is why she would rather not do it.
Getting introduced as “the girlfriend” is up there in the things she wants to avoid.
So she avoids having to get to know your parents or your closest friends because she’s unsure whether she’ll even be long enough to spend time with them.
12. She Often Blames Others For Her Problems
When something bad happens to her, she’s quick to blame others.
She always looks for faults in others but never in herself.
You’ve started to notice this habit of hers and realize that she seldom, if ever, takes responsibility for her own actions.
The emotionally unavailable tend to pass the blame to others, never admitting when they’re the ones that messed up.
That might mean that she isn’t emotionally available enough to be in a serious relationship, which requires responsibility and accountability.
13. Communication Is Difficult And Unclear
The biggest problem that arises from being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is that open communication often suffers.
They aren’t clear with what they want out of the relationship, or how they feel.
This sets up false expectations and breeds misunderstanding between the two.
When you try to talk to her, it doesn’t feel like you’ve gotten any closer over the past few months of going out together.
You find that you’ve gotten into too many arguments about small things, all because of a case of miscommunication.
When you realize that she’s emotionally unavailable, it’s important to be patient with her. Try to understand her.
14. You’re Putting More Effort Into The Relationship Than She Is
Emotionally unavailable people are often not able to make meaningful connections with others.
They need time by themselves to reflect on their lives, and might not be able to give you the attention you want.
But sometimes, it’s not intentional at all.
When you can’t seem to get her alone for a weekend getaway or a romantic dinner out, it’s because she has other things coming up that she needs to take care of instead.
The truth is:
The relationship isn’t on the top of her priority list, so she spends less time on it compare to other things in life she has going on.
15. She’s Not Open To Deep Conversation, But Will Talk At Length About Things That Don’t Really Matter
You’re out on a date and you have a question about something that happened to her in her past.
But for some reason, she can never answer a personal question directly. She’s always changing the topic to more lightweight subjects.
After all, that’s where she is more comfortable.
She may be afraid of getting too personal and of being judged.
She might also not want to think about her past and the bad things that have happened to her, so she uses distractions.
She’s just not willing to share anything that reveals her true emotions. Maybe she’s had a tough past and doesn’t like to remember.
Or maybe she gets stressed at the thought of being vulnerable.
Whatever it is, she’s emotionally unavailable and she finds it hard to express her emotions to you.
16. She Needs Her Space… A Lot
When you finally do get her to go out with you, she seems to have other things on her mind…or that she’s not as interested in you as you are in her.
She’s just not willing to share as much about herself as you are.
Just remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and if one person is putting everything on the line, the other person needs to do their fair share as well.
If she’s not reacting to your need to have deep conversations, it doesn’t mean you’re unworthy.
She may have a lot going on in her life right now and might not know how she feels about you yet.
Your best option might be to give her time to open up. Eventually, if you build enough trust and rapport, she’ll come around.
17. She Keeps You Guessing About The Future
The two of you were supposed to go check out that new restaurant you’ve been dying to try.
But now she’s telling you she can’t make it, because she has plans with a friend instead.
When you ask if it’s a work thing, she tells you it isn’t and that her friend just asked her out at the last minute.
She’ll suggest that you should go with her friend instead, but it doesn’t sound like you have much of a choice.
You feel like you’re in the doghouse, and she knows it. But she can’t help it if she has other plans that are more important to her.
She might just be emotionally unavailable and still needs to take time for herself before committing to anything with you.
How to deal with an emotionally unavailable woman
Now the question is:
How can you learn to deal with an emotionally unavailable woman? Especially if you’re dating her?
Here are some quick tips:
- Give her time to develop trust and rapport with you and try to understand her.
- Don’t take it personally, empathize with her emotions and give her space.
- Don’t pressure her into anything, let things come naturally, and don’t force it.
- Try not to get offended if she is ultra direct with you or doesn’t want to answer a personal question.
- Understand that she may not always be on the same page as you. She needs to take the relationship slower than a normal woman would who isn’t emotionally unavailable.
- Understand that she will eventually open up, but she will need to trust you.
- Try to work on your personal issues if you feel you’re becoming frustrated easily or feeling unfulfilled.
- Don’t blame yourself or feel responsible for how she’s feeling or dealing with her problems.
Putting yourself first
Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.
What’s your number one goal at the moment?
Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?
To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?
Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?
Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.
And even then…plans fail.
But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…
No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.
I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.
Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.
She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.
So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.
How much do you want it?
Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?
If so, check out the workshop here.
If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!
All the best,
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