Paul Brian
We all have a little bit of a selfish side. But for most of us itโs limited and tempered by real empathy and interest in others.
There are men out there who truly only care about themselves, however. They have absolutely zero regard for the perspective, interests or well-being of others.
Clearly, these are the type of men everyone should be staying away from both professionally and personally.
Drawing on insights from psychology, letโs take a look at the indications that a man genuinely only cares about himself.
1) He makes every conversation and argument about himself
No matter whatโs being discussed or why, the selfish man turns it into a discussion about himself.
It could be how he feels, his own point of view or why a situation is affecting him a certain way:
But the key point is that these aspects involving him are always the focus. He insists that his views, his feelings and his experiences are clearly the most important of all.
The same thing happens in arguments or in a relationship, where whatever problem is occurring he makes it about himself.
2) He ignores the emotions and needs of others
This ties into the previous point, because a man who only cares about himself shows his selfishness in many ways.
He just doesnโt care about the emotions or the needs of others.
If he even bothers to pretend to care, itโs only a vague nod or an โsorry to hear that, yeah.โ
Heโs not engaged at all, and heโs right back talking about his problems or pursuing his desires and interests. Other people only factor into his life insofar as they can satisfy his desires and priorities.
This can often verge into outright narcissism.
As therapist Karyl McBride recounts:
โOne narcissist I know wanted his girlfriend to give him 24-hour notice if she was going out with her friends and he wanted to know where she was going. Meanwhile, he maintained spontaneity in his own social life.โ
3) He only offers transactional emotional support
If and when he does offer emotional and compassionate support, the self-centered man only does so transactionally.
In other words heโs always going to call in favors and hold it against somebody if he helps them out.
And heโs never going to aid somebody whoโs truly helpless and powerless unless thereโs some recognition or glory in it for himself.
Helping and compassion for its own sake are not in his repertoire.
If heโs helping, heโs doing it for an ulterior motive (sadly!)
He may consider himself a wonderful guy, but when it comes down to the wire heโs not going to offer emotional support to anybody unless he gets something in return (be that sex, wealth, business connections, prestige or anything else).
This ties into the next point:
4) Heโs only generous and helpful with strings attached
If and when he does offer real-world assistance of some kind, the self-centered man always has an ulterior motive.
Itโs not only emotional support and empathy which he uses for leverage:
If he gives out a small loan, gives a friend a ride, refers a colleague for a promotion or is understanding to his girlfriend and helps her through a rough patch with her health?
She owes him. That colleague owes him. That friend owes him.
At least thatโs the way he sees it.
And when he spontaneously shows up with kindness and help or a thoughtful gift? Thereโs always something hiding in the gift horseโs mouth.
โOn the off chance that he does surprise you with a gift, itโs only to get back into your good graces,โ explains psychology writer Jordan White. โHe never gives just to give or because he truly wants to.โ
5) He doesnโt take responsibility for himself
The self-centered guy can be quite charming and charismatic. He may also be intelligent and committed to his goals.
But when it comes to mistakes or facing failures, he runs the other direction.
He just doesnโt take responsibility for himself.
He either blames other people for mistakes that happened or situations that are out of his control. To be fair, this may be partly correct!
But the issue is not that heโs always wrong in what he blames but more so that this is his go-to move and his instinct: to always point the finger, just never at himself.
As psychology writer Sanjana Gupta puts it:
โSelf-centered people may not be able to recognize that they’ve done something wrong and may blame others for any mistakes.โ
6) He uses manipulation to get what he wants
The self-centered man is not above using manipulation to get what he wants.
That manipulation can come in many forms, including:
- Taking advantage of the love somebody else has for him to get what he wants.
- Using his charm to talk a person into an unfair business deal.
- Playing the victim to elicit sympathy and get his way.
- Pretending to forget something in order to conveniently forget and have his way.
And many moreโฆ
When heโs doing these kinds of things on an ongoing basis, itโs not just a one-off or him going through a morally questionable phase.
Letโs make no mistake:
These are all behavioral patterns of a thoroughly selfish man.
7) He only gets selectively involved in projects if they benefit him
The self-centered man only gets involved in work projects when they benefit him.
He doesnโt care much about the wider vision or the big picture.
Heโs only interested in what he can get.
โSelf-centered people often take more than they give,โ Gupta observes.
For example, if his company is going to expand and wants his help advising on how to do that, heโll do the minimum possible because he doesnโt see whatโs in it for him.
Whatever the situation, heโs only invested in a bigger project or a group endeavor when he can clearly and linearly see how it benefits him.
8) He has an inflated sense of his own importance and status
The self-centered guy has a highly inflated sense of his own status.
In his own mind heโs an ultra-VIP rock star who everybody should respect and listen to.
He wouldnโt be surprised to see people ask for his autograph. Thatโs how important he is in his own mind.
High self-esteem is great, of course, but this crosses the line into actually delusional self-importance.
Heโs so full of his own idea of his greatness that he doesnโt get in touch with the reality of day-to-day life and whatโs expected of him and simply complains when things donโt go exactly how heโd like.
9) He rarely listens to what others say and doesnโt actually care
Self-centered men are dismissive of boundaries and frequently overstep them.
Thatโs because they donโt truly care how others feel or what others need.
This ties into their habit of barely listening when another person is talking.
The result is that those who end up in a relationship with a self-centered man feel completely overlooked and condescended to:
This guy just isnโt listening to what they say in most cases, and when he is listening heโs clearly not invested in any real way.
โFeeling heard is a vital part of feeling loved, so the result is usually to feel emotionally sidelined,โ observes psychologist and couples counselor Debra Campbell.
10) He pursues superficial and transactional relationships
When it comes to his relationships in general, the self-centered guy only loves when he gets something from it.
His relationships tend to be superficial and based on status:
He thinks of love and intimacy as a reward for โsuccessโ and importance, and he gives out his own time and affection accordingly.
If he canโt get something from a relationship, then he doesnโt invest his time and attention into it, much less his money.
And when it comes to giving out emotional support and love in a relationship, it really only goes one way: to him.
โYouโre his emotional support, but heโs definitely not yours,โ notes White.
โThereโs no way he could be โ the guy doesnโt let you get a word in edgewise. Heโs too busy telling you about his rough day at work or the fight he got into with his friend.โ
Dealing with a selfish man
The key to dealing with a social man is for those who are close to him to set healthy boundaries and realize itโs not their fault.
His behavior is his issue, and he has no right to take it out on others or make other people his doormat.
As social worker and psychology writer Saya Des Marais, MSW notes:
โIf youโre affected by a selfish person in your life, then itโs important to remember that it isnโt your fault. Setting strong personal boundaries can help you maintain a healthy relationship with this person while protecting your own well-being.โ
