Nice guys: they are the worst, right?
They treat you better than most people you know, yet they don’t want to date you.
It’s impossible to know sometimes if someone is really into you or if they are just being nice, but if you want to learn to break the code and feel confident in whether or not you should go for it, this guide can help.
Now it’s up to you to go forth and use your new-found insight to make your move (because this is 2021 and you’re definitely not waiting around for him to make a move, right? Right!).
1. He speaks to you differently than he speaks to your friends.
Assuming that you’ve known this guy for a while, you’ve noticed that he is very different around you and speaks in a very different way to you.
It seems, perhaps, more intimate and shares quiet moments with you while others are talking around you.
It’s a great way for you to gauge his interest. If he’s all over Sally at the bar, he’s not into you.
To figure this one out, you need to observe how he talks to other girls.
If he seems to make a greater effort with you and tries harder to tell jokes and make playful comments compared to other people he interacts with, then that’s obviously a sign that he is flirting with you.
Keep in mind that if he likes you, it may not even be more playful and flirty comments. I
If he likes you, he might ask more questions, or even talk himself into an effort to impress you….basically more effort from him to build rapport between the two of you.
But if he acts playful and fun with everyone, then he’s either a playboy or just a naturally flirty type of guy.
Therefore, you can take those interactions with a grain of salt.
2. He recites things back to you.
Remember that one time you were talking about your friend Pam who got dumped by, umm, what’s his name?
He does. And he remembers his name. Because you said it out loud.
If he can recall conversations you had that seemed not so important at the time, it’s a good sign that he’s flirting with you and wants this to go further.
Let’s be honest:
Guys aren’t particularly good at remembering things in conversations, so if he can recall every little detail of every little conversation you’ve had together, then those conversations were clearly important to him.
3. He feels like a hero around you
Even if you guys are just friends now, do you make him feel needed? Do you let him step up to the plate for you? Do you let him provide for and protect you (even in little ways)?
Then chances are he is going to like you a lot and he is definitely flirting with you.
There’s a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology doing the rounds which claims that men are much more likely to fall in love with women who make them feel like a hero.
People are calling it the ‘hero instinct’.
The simple truth is that men have a biological urge to provide for and protect women. It’s hardwired into them.
By making your guy feel like a hero, it unleashes his protective instincts and the noblest aspect of his masculinity. Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of attraction.
And the kicker?
A man won’t fall for a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.
I know it sounds kind of silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.
The hero instinct is a legitimate concept in relationship psychology that I personally believe has a lot of truth to it.
And there’s an art to making a man feel like a hero.
You certainly don’t need to engineer a scenario where he has to save kids from a burning house or a little old lady from getting hit by a car.
He wants to be your hero, not an action hero.
Although it does require a little more work than just asking him to help you with your computer or carry heavy shopping bags…
There are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.
To learn more about these emotional trigger points, check out this free online video by James Bauer. He is an experienced relationship psychologist who first introduced the hero instinct concept.
Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I believe this is one of them. Here’s a link to the video again.
4. He seems easily embarrassed around you.
Now, this could go one of two ways: he might be incredibly intimidated by your (or the company you keep) and he isn’t sure how to conduct himself.
Or, more likely, he is really into you and doesn’t want to mess this up so he feels like he’s making a fool of himself no matter what he does.
Now when a guy doesn’t want to mess up in front of a girl because he likes her, it actually makes it more likely that he will mess up.
That is what nerves will do!
Nervousness can be portrayed in different ways. Some guys will get a lot more hyper and will start to tell weird jokes.
Other guys talk fast and stutter.
And finally, some guys will appear cool on the surface but they might be showing some nervous body signs, like shaking hands and legs.
It’s important to realize that what might appear as a turn off is actually signs of nerves because they like you.
But take it as a sign that the guy genuinely likes you and he is trying to flirt with you.
5. He gets angry at you for going back with your ex-boyfriend
Sometimes guys can’t cough up their feelings quickly enough and you end up going back to something you know and are comfortable with.
If this guy is actually angry at you that you went back to what’s-his-name (you better believe he doesn’t care what your ex-boyfriend’s name is!) then it’s because he cares for you and doesn’t know how to show it.
This might as well be 4th grade and he might as well be pulling your hair on the playground.
But if a guy is actively flirting with you, they’ll be disappointed and lash out at you if you say to him that you’re getting back with your ex.
It means that he has lost his opportunity.
And the only way he can react to that is with anger.
6. He’s stealing a hug or a touch
If he’s doing what he can to be close to you and sneak a little brush with your skin, it’s not just because this place is crowded.
Sometimes, guys don’t know how to say what they feel so they want to show it.
He might playfully touch your hand or swing in wide for a hug like your best bud, but he probably means for it to be more.
In fact, touch is one of the greatest strategies to increase rapport between two of you. Guys know this. It’s a great flirting tactic.
And if he likes you then he is going to get a buzz from it, too.
His touching is clearly flirting if he seems to touch you more than other girls.
But if he touches every girl he comes across?
He’s probably a player and you might want to stay away from him.
7. What would Sigmund Freud say?
To work out whether a guy is flirting with you, and actually wants to be with you, real and honest advice is needed.
Having studied relationships and psychology most of my adult life, I know a thing or two about it.
But why not turn to the most famous psychologist of all?
Yes, Sigmund Freud can tell you whether he likes you or not.
Simply take this brilliant quiz from my friends at Ideapod. Answer a few personal questions and Freud himself will dredge through all the subconscious issues motivating your man to give you the most accurate (and downright fun) answer of all.
Sigmund Freud was the grand master at understanding sex and attraction. This quiz is the next best thing to setting down one-on-one with the famous psychoanalyst.
I took it myself a few weeks ago and was amazed at the unique insights I received.
8. He’s going out of his way to get your attention and impress you.
While this sounds romantic, more often than not, it ends in failure and he just looks like an idiot.
But it’s sweet and he will have achieved his goal of getting your attention.
Hopefully you can overlook the looking-like-a-fool part and give him a chance.
This is why in school guys acted crazy in the playground doing anything to get a girl’s attention, even teasing her.
Attention is flirting 101. It’s the first step to the attraction.
And if your guy is going to crazy lengths to get your attention, then it’s fair to say that he likes you (and he is undoubtedly flirting with you).
9. He thinks he’s hilarious (and he is trying hard to be funny)
Some guys are not funny, but some guys, try really hard to be the kind of funny you like.
If they are going out of their way to make you laugh, it’s a good thing.
This is a big indicator that’s easy to notice.
Also, watch for this when you’re in a group of people.
If he makes a comment to the group, or he attempts to tell a joke, and then he immediately looks at you to see your reaction, that’s a great sign that he likes you and is trying to flirt with you.
It shows that he’s seeking your approval or trying to impress you.
This is especially the case if he tells a joke. After all, if he likes you, he’ll want to make sure that you’re laughing and that you find him funny!
Just tell him to cool it on the stupid jokes and everything will be okay.
10. He stands up taller.
When he notices you around, his posture suddenly becomes nothing short of perfect.
He wants to get your attention but doesn’t want to be too bold as to walk right up to you.
He doesn’t, however, want to make sure you can see him.
He may also try to use up as much room as possible with his arms and legs.
After all, he wants to show that he’s the leader of the pack that can take care of you.
You can watch out for these signs by:
– Seeing if he changes his walking style when he walks past you. Are his shoulders and chest pushed back more than usual?
– How is he sitting when he’s around you? Is laying out his arms, trying to look relaxed and comfortable? Is he trying to use a lot of space?
Keep in mind that some guys will be nervous when they’re around you because they like you. For those guys, using alpha body language will be difficult.
11. He puts himself right in your line of sight.
While that might be super annoying because you’re trying to watch the band, know that it’s because he wants you to be able to see him.
If you can see him, you can talk to him – or at least look at him.
If you suddenly start running into him at places you’ve always gone but have never seen each other, like your favorite bar or restaurant, bet your bottom dollar that he is trying to be seen by you.
He might make a scene in front of your friends or show off a bit to try to get your attention, which could be awkward for a while.
You gotta hand it to him though; he’s gutsy to do that given all the people that are around and who might judge him for the way he’s rocking that karaoke mic!
This is also the case when you’re in a group of people together. He’ll somehow find a way to sit next to you or stand next to you if he likes you.
He might not even know he is doing this, either. He just does it subconsciously because he likes you and he wants to flirt with you.
12. He’s full of compliments.
Alright, alright, enough already, I get it, I’m awesome! Even if he is laying it on a little thick for your taste, you can’t ignore that he is going all out to let you know how incredible you are.
A sure sign he’s into you is that he’s giving you compliments on your brains, your accomplishments, and your talents, not just your pretty face; which, don’t get me wrong, is also nice to hear.
13. It’s like he’s stalking you (but not in a creepy way) online.
He is always the first to like your Instagram photos, no matter what time of day you post.
He shares your stuff on Facebook and comments and laughs at all the silly memes you share.
He’s all over your Snapchat and TikTok account and is always the first to say bravo when you do a bad lipsync of your favourite rap song.
14. He’s presented and accounted for.
Some guys like to let you look at them and fall all over them, but when a guy likes you, he wants to listen to you and hear what you have to say.
He’s genuinely interested in what you’re doing and how you’re doing and isn’t fussing with his phone or flirting with other girls in front of you.
15. He’s fishing for compliments from you.
One thing guys do when they like you is cut themselves down and point out their own weaknesses because they want you to a) see they are real and b) talk them up a bit.
Guys are always expected to give compliments to girls but girls don’t always return the favour. He wants to know what you’ve been paying attention to.
16. He feels essential around you
For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates “like” from “love”.
Don’t get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. But he still wants to feel wanted and useful — not dispensable!
This is because men have a built in desire for something “greater” that goes beyond love or sex. It’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else — or worst of all, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.
As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.
So, when the hero instinct isn’t triggered, men are unlikely to commit to a relationship with any woman. He holds back because being in a relationship is a serious investment for him. And he won’t fully “invest” in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose and make him feel essential.
How do you trigger this instinct in him, and give him this sense of meaning and purpose?
You don’t need to pretend to be anyone you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to dilute your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.
In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.
In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.
By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only give him greater satisfaction but it will also help to rocket your relationship to the next level.
Now if you’ve figured that your man is flirting with you and you’re happy about, that’s great news.
Go and ask your man out! It’s guaranteed that he will say yes.
But if you don’t like the guy and you’re sick of unwanted flirting, then here’s what you need to do.
What to do about unwanted flirting: 8 tips
One of the reasons more women don’t go out to bars is because they get hounded by guys for attention, drinks, dances, and more.
It’s uncomfortable and actually a form of harassment in so many cases where unwanted solicitations are laid on thick.
If you find yourself cornered by a person who keeps flirting but won’t take the subtle hints, try some of these not-so-subtle hints to get them off your back so you can enjoy the rest of your evening.
1. Bring your (fake) boyfriend into the conversation
If a guy is bothering you and won’t take the hint that you’re not interested, respond to the next thing he says with, “my boyfriend says that all the time!”
It’ll stop him in his tracks. If he persists, walk away.
2. Be super nice to them…in a friend-kind-of-way
There is a very clear line between friend and lover and if you just want this person to be your friend and nothing more, give them a big hug and tell them you are so lucky to have them as a friend. It’ll take them down a peg.
3. Introduce them to your (single) friend
Stop them mid-sentence and say, “you know who you have to meet? My friend, Jennifer! She would love you.”
And then proceed to introduce him to your not-really-good-friend Jennifer so she can deal with him.
4. Don’t abandon your friends
Take his number and then tell him you’ll call another time because you’re out with your friends right now.
Don’t give him your number. Be in control and then promptly lose it when you go to the bathroom.
5. Use your words
Be honest. Tell him, thanks but no thanks.
Tell him you’re not interested and he should move on. It won’t feel great to crush someone’s hopes like that, but sometimes harsh is the best way to be.
Especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed by someone’s attention.
6. Introduce him to your (fake) girlfriend.
Maybe you give the “help me” signal to your best friend at the bar and she comes running over to grab you for a dance.
When she arrives, you can introduce her as your girlfriend and then walk away before the rude jokes start.
7. Ask your guy friend to step in.
If you don’t want to lie to this guy but don’t feel comfortable telling him to take a hike, ask you guy friend to help you.
He might say what this guy needs to hear and if it’s not working, he can always put his arm around you and lie for you.
8. Be horrible.
Sometimes the last resort option is to just be a horrible human being and shoot them down, say horrible things, and be gross.
Burp, fart, spill your drink, be annoying. Just do whatever it takes to get this guy to walk away and if he still doesn’t, hop in a cab and go home.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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