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15 signs a fearful avoidant loves you

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You’ve been seeing each other for a while now, and yet…they’re still guarded.

You suspect that it’s simply because they’re the Fearful Avoidant type. But sometimes you wonder “what if they really just don’t love?”

To ease your worries, in this article, I will give you signs that confirm their feelings for you and how you can understand them better.

So what is a fearful avoidant lover?

Avoidants are dismissive and fearful of intimacy.

They’re not necessarily incapable of love. Au contraire! Most of them take love way too seriously.

They long for closeness and true connection except that they have difficulty in trusting and being affectionate to others.

As a result, they often get misunderstood and come across as cold, distant, and unloving. The truth is, they only avoid being clingy for fear of rejection and abandonment.

You’ll know your partner is an avoidant if:

  • They’re afraid of commitment.
  • They have trust issues.
  • They get uncomfortable with physical contact.
  • They’re secretive.
  • They give vague answers.

15 signs an avoidant loves you

1) They make the first move.

You have to give FAs more time when it comes to initiating anything—especially when it comes to love.

You see, it’s not because they’re not sure if they like you, it’s just that they’re a little scared of rejection.

If they’re making a move—especially “big” moves like asking you out on a date—it definitely means their feelings are strong enough to compel them to initiate something.

They rarely do this so IT IS A BIG DEAL!

2) They tell you what’s bothering them.

Fearful avoidants usually try to keep things in.

They endure it when something doesn’t feel right and will choose to be non-confrontational about things.

But when they begin to communicate about things that stress them out, it’s a sign that they see something in you. It might be as subtle as expressing dissent or dislike but hey, at least they’re letting you know.

And that’s because they probably already love you.

3) They no longer “break free” from loving gestures.

In the beginning, you might have been really hurt when you touched them unknowingly and they swatted your hand away.

But now, they don’t push you away anymore. They don’t respond with equal warmth, for sure, but at least they don’t act like they’re being attacked.

They’re allowing you to be loving to them (even if deep down it’s uncomfortable for them), because they probably love you.

4) If he’s a guy, he’s there to the rescue.

The love language of most fearful avoidants is “Acts of Service.”

Sure, they’re not affectionate, but they’ll drop everything if they know you need them. For an FA, this is love with a capital L, not flowers and 4AM kisses.

Here’s a secret: The more you can make a man feel needed, the more he’ll cling to you (that’s right, even if he’s a fearful avoidant).

I learned about this trick from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.

So if you want to get closer to a fearful avoidant guy, here’s what you gotta do—make him feel like a HERO!

If you want to know how to pull this technique smoothly, check out Hero Instinct.

Click here to watch the free video.

5) They let you in on a secret or two.

Sharing secrets is not easy for an FA.

At first, they’re too secretive. They might even feel offended when you ask something personal. They’re shrouded in mystery and they didn’t tell you anything about them.

This is because FAs are naturally secretive. They don’t like people “prying” on them.

But once you win their trust (and their hearts), they will start to tell you something confidential.

This is a big deal because they don’t normally do it to other people!

6) They invite you over to their place.

An avoidant’s home is a very sacred space. They don’t want to share it with anyone easily for fear of exposing many things about them.

Inviting you to this hallowed ground means you’ll get a sneak peak of how they live their daily life and they are permitting you to know them on a more personal level.

They figured they have no choice…because they already love you and they’d do anything not to make you feel “unwelcome” to their life.

7) They let you meet their friends and family.

FAs usually have a very small circle of friends, and it’s also because of this that they’re very close.

If they schedule even a casual meeting between you and their friends or family, it means that they want you to become a part of their life and this exclusive circle of trust.

This will only open more doors for you because these people can give you insight in understanding them better.

8) They share about their past.

Their avoidant nature was most likely caused by childhood trauma or something that happened to them in the past. They probably have abandonment issues that make them fearful of being too attached.

If they tell you about their past—especially the not-so-good parts— this is an indication that they love you. It means that they don’t want to be alone in facing their demons anymore.

Acknowledge that it’s not easy to open up about their wounds so keep reassuring them that you’ll be with them every step of the way.

9) They talk about mundane stuff.

It might not be a big deal for most of us to talk about our annoying colleague, or our boring trip to the grocery store. But for a fearful avoidant, this is something they are not used to doing.

They prefer to talk about serious stuff like what’s on the news than share something personal and “useless”.

If you notice that they’re already sharing about “senseless”, “unimportant”, or “boring” stuff, then that means they’re already falling in love with you.

10) They show you their weakness.

Avoidants think they have to be perfect for others to accept them.

They appear stoic just to look strong. They want to look cool and reserved to show that they’re in control.

So when they start to show you more sides to them like laughing their heart out, or when they cry in front of you, it means they can be vulnerable around you.

And that’s probably because they love you.

11) They talk about personal preferences.

One of the reasons why it’s difficult to get to know your partner is because they don’t like talking about what they want.

They believe that you will ridicule their whole being when they share about their likes or dislikes.

But now, they’re more accepting of differences by asking your opinions on little things.

This means that they value what you think and trust that you will also respect their ideas. An FA who doesn’t love you won’t even bother.

12) They communicate non-verbally (in an awkward way).

Avoidants find it hard to express how they feel. It’s rare to hear them say “I love you.”

But you must observe them intently because once they cozy up to you, they will want to communicate their love to you.

The non-verbal gestures are the very first things they will attempt before they can be vocal about their feelings.

So it’s all about them looking you in the eyes in a loving (or creepy) way, or staying just an inch closer (and not more) when sitting next to you. They will fidget and freeze and act weird, but that means they’re trying their best. And that’s because they love you.

13) They now allow you to “violate” their space.

Maybe at the beginning of your relationship they didn’t want you to touch their stuff or ask certain questions. Maybe they even lock their doors.

They may appear standoffish but it’s just because they’re used to their independence.

Once they want you to be part of their life (because they truly love you), they’ll share the same space with you, even if it’s just quietly doing separate things.

14) They share a hobby with you.

Hobbies are personal. It’s something that we do that’s uniquely for our own pleasure. So there’s really no need to share it to others—even to people we love.

But it seems like they’re willing to share it with you.

They now even make plans to do it with you on your next date.

This means they are starting to open up about their passions and it’s a sign that they want to bond with you. And it’s probably because they’re starting to fall in love with you.

15) They once said they love you.

A fearful avoidant is a “(wo) man of few words.”

For them, once they say they love you, that’s that. There’s no need to repeat a fact over and over again.

And that’s because it took them a big amount of courage to reveal their feelings…and they don’t want to do it again!

Have pity on the poor FA.

Instead of always questioning their love, trust.

If an FA once said they love you, chances are they really DO love you even if they’re a bit closed off.

Last words

Remember, an avoidant person has intense fears about rejection and abandonment so you need a lot of patience.

Every time they show the signs in this list, welcome them with positive reinforcement so that they will learn to enjoy being more intimate with you.

One day in the future, your fearful avoidant partner will bloom. But for now, learn to love them for who they are.

Don’t worry, they love you just the same—even more!

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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