There’s a girl I like a lot. We’ve gone on four dates so far and I feel intense chemistry with her.
Here’s the problem:
I honestly don’t know if she feels the same and it’s been keeping me up at night.
I know we’re not exclusive, but I’m not sure if she’s sort of just stringing me along or wants something more.
Here’s why I plan to tell her I’m interested in her even if it means getting kicked to the curb.
12 reasons to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you
Hack Spirit is all about helping people have great relationships and engage in self-development without the frills or the feel-good lies.
We want to help people do what works, and we tell the truth even when it’s hard to hear.
With that in mind, here’s an ironic fact:
The fear of rejection itself has led many worthy men to be brutally rejected.
The best cure to a fear of rejection?
Being completely unashamed and straightforward about how you feel even if it might mean you get rejected.
1) Playing hard to get is overrated
Playing hard to get is vastly overrated.
The reason that many people think it’s good is that they misunderstand attraction.
Let me explain…
Being easy to get is completely unattractive, obviously.
But being potentially available is actually deeply attractive in both men and women.
What I mean is this:
If you try to play mind games or turn down dates and be unavailable, you are actually creating a whirlpool of toxic and codependent energy in your potential relationship.
But if you make it clear that you are potentially interested and let attraction build up naturally, you show that you have confidence and are a worthy partner.
Both extremes are completely unattractive:
Being very unavailable and detached is juvenile, hurtful and unattractive.
Being very available and overly eager is insecure, needy and unattractive.
The key is to strike a balance in the middle and basically be normal.
2) Hiding how you feel is actually insecure
Falling for someone too quickly shows a certain neediness and insecurity that is unattractive.
But taking an interest in someone you’ve gone on multiple dates with or spoken to for some time is entirely normal and non-needy.
Telling them you feel that way is exactly what a confident man will do.
Hiding it and being embarrassed or intentionally trying to play “hard to get” is what an insecure or childish man will do.
Hiding how you feel is actually insecure because it is based on a fear of rejection.
Telling a girl you like her shows that you don’t fear rejection.
Sure, it may come on too strong, but you don’t care because you trust and respect your emotions with regard to her.
You don’t need her to feel the same way or even to be OK with you saying it.
You want to say it so you will.
That’s confidence and masculinity in action.
3) Fix your most important relationship
Before telling a girl you like her, it’s crucial that you fix your most important relationship.
It’s the one you have with yourself.
Let me explain…
Many of us are far too focused on what others think or feel about us.
I know because I’ve been in that position too many times to count.
I based my value on what others did or did not think of me.
This led down a very boring and annoying path where I was either built up into some idealized image of what I was not and got bored dating someone…
Or was devalued and rejected and lost my own sense of value by dating someone who was avoidant or overly judgmental…
I was far too willing to think highly or basely of myself based off of the judgments of my partner at the time.
The solution was to drill down to my relationship with myself…
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
Don’t I know it!
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution for expressing love to someone else.
I no longer felt the least bit insecure in telling a girl I had met how I felt, because my eyes had been opened about how love actually works and how to make it work in your favor.
4) Walking through the fire of rejection
Rejection hurts like a fucking bitch.
It’s even worse when you have to reject someone else, which I also know about.
Whichever way it flows, rejection is one of the worst feelings in the world and can massively amplify insecurities you have about your own value and worth.
Scientists say part of why it even causes physical pain and deep depression is that rejection is historically linked to exile from the tribe and physical death.
The point is that there’s nothing wrong with you if rejection hurts you or makes you sad and angry.
It does that to everyone.
But in order to walk through the fire of rejection, you need to build a rock solid core of confidence and certainty of your own worth deep within you.
Your worth exists whether or not you’re in a relationship…
Or whether or not the girl you like feels the same.
There’s also another reason to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you…
5) Better sure early than sorry later
You tell this girl you like her and she says she feels the same.
It’s not like everything is suddenly perfect. Even if you become a serious couple there will still be plenty of hurdles along the way.
But at least you know that she’s into you as well.
However, imagine you ask her and she looks sad and disturbed and admits that she really sees you as more like a friend or more of a short term thing…
Or worse yet she makes the excuse of “not being in that place for a relationship right now” (yeah, sure)…
You’ve just been rejected, no doubt about that!
However if you try to hide your feelings or “play it cool” and avoid rejection but she ultimately rejects you months down the road…
It is going to hurt so much more.
Much fucking more.
So just tell her how you feel when you know how you feel. If she’s not on the same vibe then it’s adios, goodbye.
Better sure early than sorry later!
6) The law of attraction
There’s a lot out there about the so-called Law of Attraction and how thinking positive and envisioning already having what you need brings it to you.
It’s obviously untrue, but it’s becoming popular for losers who want to believe they’re winners.
The truth, obviously, is that thinking positive and being proactive in life is useful to the extent that it gets you to face the reality about yourself and other people.
To the extent it obscures the reality of yourself and other people it’s absolutely useless and actually counterproductive.
None of us can survive on daydreams and “vibrations” and they are actually likely to drag you far downstream if you try to substitute them for your actual life.
So I’ll tell you the real “Secret” right now:
It’s your actions in life that make the difference.
Absolutely, build up corresponding emotional and intellectual realities that motivate you to take proactive action.
But just remember all the positive vibes in the world won’t do anything for you or others if you don’t know what to do with them when push comes to shove.
My point here?
The law of attraction is this:
Somebody who is romantically interested in you is going to continue to be or increase in their attraction even if you make a few missteps or state your interest early on…
Somebody who is not really that interested in you beyond something casual is going to continue to be disinterested even if you play it super cool and exhibit all the typical signs of being a high value guy.
The bottom line?
Attraction exists or it doesn’t. Stop believing that you have so much control and lay your cards on the table.
7) Talk to a pro and see what they say
A big breakthrough for me also came from talking to a professional relationship coach.
I was feeling insecure about falling in love too fast and about wearing my heart on my sleeve.
We worked through various insecurities I have and actually made huge progress on how to find balance between my desire for love and valuing myself.
The idea of speaking to a relationship coach may seem a bridge too far, but it’s actually really chill and helpful.
I found the best coaches at the popular site Relationship Hero, where accredited relationship coaches know all about subjects like whether or not to tell a girl you like her and how soon to do it.
While this article explores the main reasons you should speak your mind to a girl you like, a coach at Relationship Hero can give you tailor-made advice that will apply directly to your unique situation.
I found the help I got was extremely insightful and made a big difference.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
8) It will build your own self-confidence
It will build your own self-confidence to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you.
The key is to do so in a way that has no attachment to outcome.
What do I mean by this?
Well you obviously would prefer she likes you, too, yet at the same time if she’s wishy-washy or turns you down you turn on your heel and move on to the next prospect.
That’s just how the wheel of fortune spins sometimes.
But you’ll have a lot more respect for yourself knowing you were sincere about how you feel than imagining sitting back and waiting for the “safe” time to tell her how you feel.
Here’s a spoiler alert:
There is no safe time to tell somebody you have feelings for them.
Like I said right at the beginning: love is a risk.
Facing that risk early and head-on makes you a man.
9) It calls her out on mixed signals
The next great thing about the reasons to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you is that it calls out her mixed signals.
In this day and age of dating apps and all sorts of options, many people both male and female think they can get away with stringing others along on and on.
But when you put your foot down and say you’re interested and want something real, it sets you apart.
You make it crystal clear that you’re not into waiting around or pretending to just be good with “whatever.”
You like her, you want to date, you want to know if she wants it too.
Simple, clear and directly contrary to any games or delays she may be throwing your way.
Remember, if she says she needs more time or needs to take it slow don’t overthink it:
This is another way of saying no, or at least “not right now.”
It’s a direct cue for you to pull your energy away and focus on yourself instead of on pursuing her and trying to be with her.
10) You avoid wasting your time
Another of the great reasons to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you, is that it saves time.
Do you really want to go out for dozens of dinners and talk for hours with a girl who basically doesn’t give a shit about you and knows it?
And you shouldn’t either.
So much time and energy can be wasted on people who are wrong for us or who end up leading us on in ways that chip away at our self-esteem.
While many Westerners look down on eastern cultures for supposedly being “backwards,” in their customs around marriage and sex, many traditional cultures actually have a crucial fact right.
What they get right is that commitment doesn’t have a hell of a lot of shades of gray.
You’re either in or you’re out.
Does that make marriage or relationships a bit less “love” based and romantic in some traditional cultures? Absolutely.
But it also provides a much more stable footing for many couples to build a life together without always being unsure about where they stand with each other.
Like I wrote earlier, telling a girl how you feel despite the fear of rejection cuts through any mixed signals she’s sending or games she’s playing.
Now she has to say if she is too, because if not then you’ll be on your merry way…
11) You display attractive maturity
One of the other compelling reasons to tell a girl you like her, even if you think she’ll reject you is that it displays admirable and attractive maturity.
An immature man lives in fear and obsession with what others think or feel about him.
His worst fear is indifference and not being important or wanted.
A mature man doesn’t give a shit, because he values himself.
Following on this, a mature and confident man will speak his mind and display his emotions when he chooses to.
Of course he doesn’t want to be rejected or let down any more than the rest of us, but if he finds himself getting into a woman who’s hard to read…
He’ll just straight up ask her where she’s at.
He’d rather know than live in a dreamland of hoping and wishing.
“Crying, waiting, hoping
“You’ll come back
I just can’t seem to get you off my mind…”
Do you want to be crying, waiting, hoping and living in misery?
I sure as hell don’t (although this is a great song).
Tell that girl how you feel already, and cut through all the bullshit and the games.
12) Talking about your feelings doesn’t have to be needy
Talking about your feelings doesn’t have to be done in a needy or “weak” way.
This is simply a stereotype that’s been built up, partly through misunderstanding.
One of the misunderstandings is that talking about our feelings somehow entitles us to a favorable or sympathetic response:
You can be as sympathetic and genuine as you want. There are still plenty of people who won’t give a shit, including people you thought were the real deal.
But as long as you understand that you can express your emotions without an expectation of them being validated, there’s nothing weak or needy about that at all.
In fact, it’s strong and admirable.
You have conquered your fear of rejection and will speak about how you feel regardless of whether it gets you what you want.
You will lay your cards on the table because you’re tired of playing around and want to find out what the hand really holds.
Will this really work?
Like I wrote earlier, it’s near impossible to take the wrong step with someone who’s interested in you, and nearly impossible to take the right step with someone who isn’t.
You can’t control how somebody else feels about you or even why they feel that way about you.
One of the weakest feelings in the world is desperately trying to change how somebody feels about you or justify yourself or prove your value to them.
Telling a girl you like her without knowing whether she feels the same is a strong move for several reasons:
- It puts you in the driver’s seat and proactive position: you are saying how you feel and asking her to volunteer how she feels while being willing to accept any response
- It shows that you’re not scared of being rejected
- It shows that you know your own value and are confident enough in it to just straight up express your real interest in a girl without beating around the bush
Putting your cards on the table
There’s a right and a wrong way to tell a girl you like her and want to date her seriously.
Here’s the wrong way:
Tell her you like her after overthinking every line, stuttering and lowering your eyes half-ashamed as you stammer out the words.
Making it clear that a negative response on her part would be devastating to you and leave you basically wrecked as a man.
Here’s the right way:
Smiling, looking her right in the eyes and saying the following words or something similar without once overthinking them:
“I really like you and I want to see if this is going somewhere. Do you want to be together?”
Making it clear that a negative or positive answer won’t fundamentally affect your sense of self-worth or life direction.
If you like a girl a lot and have been losing energy wondering if she likes you too, forget about playing it cool:
Just tell her you like her and see what she says.
If she acts all awkward and says “maybe” or “let’s see” I have some not-so-great news for you.
It means no, or probably not. This is your chance to disengage right as she says that.
If she wants something more she can come after you. Retain your dignity and respect, please.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.