“Should I contact my ex who dumped me?” – 8 important questions to ask yourself

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There’s nothing worse than getting dumped, especially if you still have strong feelings for the partner who dumped you.

You’ll feel like you’re being cut out of their life prematurely, that you deserve another chance to make things right but you’re never going to get that chance unless you beg and plead for their forgiveness.

But is that really the best option?

Should you contact your ex who dumped you, or should you do something else?

There are times when you should, and times when you shouldn’t.

Here are 8 questions to ask yourself to find out what would be best for you:

1) Have you given the relationship space and time to heal?

When you get dumped and left behind, the first and only thing you want to do is try to fix things immediately.

You can’t ignore the voice in your head saying, “the longer you let this break up go on without trying to do something about it, the more impossible it will be to fix.”

Because in your heart, you’re still convinced that the relationship can be fixed, even if your ex doesn’t agree.

And it’s true – most relationships do go through several break-ups at one point or another before both partners ultimately decide to end things or end up together.

But the answer isn’t always to rush things as quickly as possible.

There are times when you need to realize that you need to back away; that whatever your ex is feeling is too much, and no amount of apologizing or self-degradation can make it better.

Like any wound, your relationship is one your ex needs to heal from, and only after perhaps can they consider fixing what was broken with you.

2) Would the conversation be helpful to both parties?

Here’s the thing your friends and family won’t tell you (most of the time) after your ex dumps you: they dumped you for a reason.

And while there could be a thousand different reasons why they decided to finally end the relationship, it usually boils back down to one thing: in some ways, you were selfish and unwilling to give more to the relationship.

So before contacting your ex and trying to talk to them again, ask yourself if the conversation would actually be helpful to both you and your ex.

Is this something you both need?

Or is this simply just another unintended act of selfishness on your part; is it just something you want to do for your own benefit?

Don’t force your ex to sit through your monologue or speech, with the sole intention of making you feel better while they get nothing out of it.

If you want to talk to your ex again, make sure that it’s something both parties want; not just you.

3) Are you calm and in control of your emotions?

When a breakup is recent, it can be difficult to know when you’re actually in control of your emotions.

One minute you might be calm and collected, but the next minute you might be bouncing off the walls in a series of different emotions.

Being rejected is never easy, especially by someone you deeply love, and it can turn even the most stoic individual into an emotional mess.

So calm yourself, absolutely.

Don’t reach out to your ex while your emotions are still wild and ready to go from zero to a hundred in five seconds.

Find your inner peace, accept what has happened, and do your best to bring that with you when you try to reach out to your ex once again.

4) Have you contacted them already?

If you’re here reading about whether or not you should contact your ex, then you’re possibly one of two people:

You’re someone who is itching to send a message to your ex but you want to see if it’s okay to do it, or… you’re someone who has already sent dozens of messages to your ex, without getting a reply, and now you’re wondering if you screwed up.

If you haven’t sent any messages yet, great.

But if you’ve already sent hundreds of words in messages to your ex, then the best thing you can do right now is stop.

You’ve already said what you needed to say, and you didn’t get anything back from them.

Anything more will just make things worse because you’re simply confirming to your ex that they made the right decision.

Because sending more messages isn’t an attempt to say more; it’s an attempt to manipulate them into replying, and no one likes being manipulated, forced, or tricked in any way.

Give them time. Step away from the phone or computer and try your best to think about something else.

Yes, we all deserve closure, but not at the expense of our ex-partner’s sanity.

5) Did you hurt them?

Be honest with yourself.

It can be painful to look at the relationship objectively and try to assess your actions in it, but now that it’s over and you’re out of it, now is the best time to do it.

So did you hurt your ex, physically or emotionally?

Were you ever abusive to them in any way, even things that you may consider “small”?

Did you push them against the wall during arguments, toss them around, or even just raise a fist threateningly?

Or perhaps the pain you inflicted was more emotional and subtle; maybe you made them feel isolated, abandoned, betrayed, or any number of things.

It’s important to ask yourself whether or not you were abusive in the relationship because it gives you an understanding of how to approach your ex, or if you should approach them at all.

Are you dying to talk to them because you’re just guilty in a way, and you want to try to make things right?

Or do you just want to get back to the person you victimized so long and impose power over them again?

6) Are you being respectful of their current relationship, if they have one?

Maybe your ex dumped you a few weeks or months ago, and while you still haven’t moved on with your life and entered the dating scene again, you’ve seen on social media or heard from friends that they’ve already begun dating someone new.

It can feel incredibly defeating knowing that your ex has moved on while you still haven’t, and this might trigger you into desperately trying to reach out to her again.

Maybe you think that they’ve simply forgotten the feeling of being in your presence, and all you have to do is be in the same room as them again and everything will fix itself.

But you have to realize: you’re not their partner anymore. You’re just another person; something less than a friend but more than a stranger.

You’re never going to win them back by trying to barge back into their life, assuming you know what’s best for them, especially when they already have someone new in their heart.

7) Do you actually know what you want?

The last thing you want to do is to beg your ex to talk to you or meet with you, and then when you’re finally given the chance, you don’t even know what you want to say.

Before attempting to reestablish communication at all, you need to know what you actually want from the conversation.

So ask yourself: what do you actually want?

There are generally two big answers to this question:

Firstly, you probably want to get back together with your ex after they’ve dumped you.

And secondly, you might just be seeking some kind of closure, or a better way to say goodbye to the relationship than the ending you were given.

Figure out what your heart really wants, and then make sure that message is loud and clear.

8) Have you accepted the reality of the situation?

There are many cases where a person will break up with their partner, but the partner doesn’t actually believe it.

In relationships where fighting and bickering are just a part of daily life, it can be difficult to distinguish when the end has finally come for one person, especially if it doesn’t feel that way for the other person.

So while your ex may actually now be thinking of you as an ex, you might still be thinking of them as your partner, and this is just another fight (albeit one that got blown out of proportion).

So ask yourself – have you truly accepted the reality of your current situation?

Have you accepted that the relationship is over and that you may be dealing with some kind of denial in thinking that it’s not?

Don’t contact your ex until you get on the same page as them.

Listen to their words; if they said they want to break up and they never want to see you again, then that might actually be the case.

If they moved out or took all their belongings from your home, this could actually be the end.

Your relationship isn’t destined to last forever; accept that, and now start trying to figure out how to move forward.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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