“She says she misses me but ignores me?”
Ok, what gives? This type of mixed message is enough to drive you crazy.
If she isn’t interested, why tell you she misses you? And if she does miss you, why ignore you?
Before your head explodes from all the confusion, check out these 10 possible reasons she says she misses you but ignores you.
10 possible reasons she says she misses you but ignores you
1) She’s playing games
I’m sure it’s already crossed your mind, but that probably doesn’t make it any easier to hear. There’s a chance she is playing games with you.
She tells you that she misses you because she is trying to get some attention. Everybody likes to feel wanted and desired, and she likes the boost to her ego.
She might then ignore you in an attempt to get you to chase her. Sometimes this type of hot and cold behavior from women can be all part of a plan to try to get the upper hand.
She could be specifically looking for a reaction.
Either way, if she is playing games then it turns into a power struggle. She wants to be in control so she dangles affection when it suits her. But she quickly withdraws it as soon as she doesn’t.
She isn’t really thinking about your needs or feelings. She is more interested in having her self-esteem boosted.
2) She is trying to move on
If you have recently gone through a breakup with this girl, then her motives might not be quite so calculated.
The truth is that heartache is very confusing.
We can end up feeling a wide range of things from relief to sadness, guilt, regret, loss, and grief.
When we are riding the rollercoaster of feelings after a split we may find that what we feel one day is not what we feel the next.
In a moment of weakness, she may have confessed that she misses you. But the next day she realizes that is just the sadness talking.
Despite her conflicting emotions, she really does want to move on. And so she decides that ignoring you might be the best way of doing that.
Some people think that going cold turkey and cutting someone off is the best way to get over a breakup.
3) She is genuinely really busy
I think it’s important to quickly check in and make sure you’re not overreacting.
I think most of us guys know when a girl is giving us the runaround. But at the same time when we’re really into someone, we can quickly get paranoid.
So it’s worth asking: Is she definitely ignoring you?
The reason I ask is that I have a friend who tells his girlfriend off for “ignoring him” when she doesn’t reply to his texts straight away.
There’s a big difference between ignoring someone and not replying for a few hours. And if it’s only the latter, don’t jump the gun.
Maybe you’ve been chatting for a while, or you’re even dating and she says can’t see you one week because she has a lot going on.
Studies, jobs, friends, family commitments — there are a lot of priorities that we often have to juggle.
If it is happening a lot, or her reasons really do sound like excuses, then you probably know there is more to it.
But if it’s a one-off or you could be reading too much into things, you might want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
4) She’s confused
If you’re totally confused about what the hell is going on, that could be because she is too. She might not really understand how she feels, or what she wants from you.
This can especially be the case whenever you are dealing with women who are:
a) emotionally unavailable
b) emotionally immature
When someone doesn’t seem to know what they want from you, it actually says more about them than it does about you.
She could be sending mixed signals but she is feeling mixed things about you and the situation.
Essentially, she doesn’t know what she wants and feels. But sadly she is inflicting that confusion on you too.
5) She is angry and hurt
This one is most likely going to apply if you two had a rocky relationship.
Maybe you’ve acted like a bit of a jerk in the past or messed up somehow and you kind of know it.
You want to patch things up now, and she clearly still has feelings for you. But she is also protecting herself.
She’s still hurt and unsure about everything. So even though she does miss you, her anger causes her to ignore you and lash out too.
6) She is stringing you along
Stringing you along is subtly different from playing games with you. (Although arguably it is game playing to string someone along who you aren’t totally into.)
But stringing you along is more about keeping her options open. Aka: She doesn’t want to let go of you completely, she would rather keep you as an option.
This is pretty rife in modern dating and has even given birth to the expression of “breadcrumbing”.
She throws out a few crumbs to keep you around, and so that you continue to pursue her. But she isn’t prepared to put in any genuine effort.
7) She is feeling lonely or bored
So many of us behind the scenes have some self-esteem issues.
A lot of us struggle to fulfill our own needs and so are looking for someone else to do that for us.
If that sounds pretty unhealthy, it is. Yet it’s more common in dating and love than we care to think.
This underlying inability to make herself happy means she goes looking for emotional support whenever she is down or feeling bored.
It might not even be conscious.
But when she is feeling at her weakest she reaches out looking for an emotional crutch. As soon as she is feeling better, she no longer needs it.
8) She doesn’t know how to tell you
Whether you’re the avoidant type of not, it can be awkward telling someone how you feel. Particularly if you’re not feeling the same way as them.
I know it sucks, but she might have told you she misses you as a spur-of-the-moment thing or a knee-jerk reaction.
Now she’s changed her mind and she feels pretty awkward. She doesn’t know what to say, so she’s decided silence speaks volumes.
This is clearly not cool, and she should have the respect and guts to let you know what’s going on. But particularly when it comes to our love lives, that simply doesn’t always happen.
Ghosting often feels like the easiest way out.
9) She does miss you, but she doesn’t want to be with you
As paradoxical as it sounds, two things that aren’t compatible with one another can co-exist simultaneously as the truth.
Without getting too deep, what I’m trying to say is that maybe it’s true, maybe she does miss you. But that doesn’t automatically mean she wants you in her life.
I know that personally, I’ve missed a lot of my exes when we’ve broken up. But deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work and it was probably for the best that we split.
It’s not that she was lying when she said she missed you, it’s just that it still doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t want to be with you.
10) She’s a bit bothered but ultimately not bothered enough
In a lot of cases if she tells you she misses you but then proceeds to ignore you, it all comes down to this:
She is a bit bothered about you. She might have some remaining feelings. She might have a bit of interest in you.
But sadly, just probably not enough.
The complex truth is that everything is on a spectrum. So it’s not that you either like someone or don’t. It’s more about whether you like them enough or you don’t.
The confusion you are feeling is from the fact that her affection or interest in you is on the spectrum, it’s just too low down on that spectrum.
Because if it were higher up she wouldn’t be ignoring you.
Get expert advice for your specific situation
While this article explores the main reasons she says she misses you but ignores you, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
Because I know that at the end of the day every situation is unique and there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
It can also be really difficult to figure out what is going on when it’s happening to us. That’s why an objective third party can be better placed to give you some real answers.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
What to do when she says she misses you but ignores you
Hopefully, you have a better idea now about why she could be giving you mixed signals.
But even once you’ve figured it out, what should you do about it?
1) Try to talk about it
If you are getting inconsistencies from her, your first approach might be to confront her about it.
Ask her what is going on, tell her how you feel, and be clear about what you’re looking for.
For example, do you want to know where you stand? Are you looking for an explanation?
Maybe you don’t really know what to say, or you just want to draw a line under it all to get some closure.
If all your attempts at casual communication have been ignored, then it can be time to be direct.
Try saying something like:
“Hey, I’m not really sure what is going on. I’ve been feeling some mixed messages from you. So I just wanted to let you know that I’m stepping back from the situation now and am taking some space.”
This works for really well for two reasons:
a) It’s her final warning if she still does want to talk.
b) It also takes back control by saying that you are the one taking some space. You’re not just waiting around to hear from her.
2) Know that if you have doubts, that is your answer
I totally get the need to know what on earth is going on in someone’s head. We can end up playing potential possibilities around on a loop.
But second-guessing people only ends up driving you crazy. You may never truly know the truth. Maybe she doesn’t even know the truth.
Playing it over and over in your head is just going to keep you trapped in confusion.
If she doesn’t respond to your attempts to talk. If she ignored your last message or messages, then you have your answer.
It might not be the answer you were looking for, but it is still an answer.
The bottom line whenever we feel confused by someone’s actions or feelings is that doubt in itself tells us all we need to know.
She is showing you how she feels, and it has left you questioning what is going on.
On the other hand if she cared enough, you would know it because she wouldn’t leave you with any doubt.
3) Do not chase her
The reason telling her that you are taking space puts you in a stronger position is because it signals to her that you are not going to chase her.
Of course, that good work is then undone if you go back on it and end up contacting her again.
That’s why if she isn’t showing up in the way you want, you’ve got to leave her alone. Trust me it’s for the best.
Not only is it important to preserve your dignity, but it’s also your best chance of getting her attention if that’s what you want.
The best thing you can do is to pull away a bit yourself.
It’s a psychological fact that when we fear we’re going to lose something, we want it 10x more.
This is where “nice guys” get it so wrong. Women have no “fear of loss” with a nice guy… and that makes them pretty unattractive.
I learned this from relationship guru Bobby Rio.
If you want your girl to become obsessed with you, then check out his excellent free video here.
What you’ll learn in this video isn’t exactly pretty — but neither is love.
4) Ignore her back and put your attention elsewhere
Ignoring her back isn’t about being childish. It’s more about becomg unavailable to her.
At the moment she doesn’t really deserve your attention. The way she has behaved isn’t worthy of anymore energy being thrown her way.
So ignoring her back is about putting your energy back to places that deserve it.
The rather unromantic truth is there are plenty more fish in the sea.
There will be countless women out there who do want you in their lives. If you aren’t ready to date, then just distract yourself with fun things.
The busier we are, the less time we have to sit around thinking about someone else.
Hang with friends and do stuff you enjoy. And hey, if she happens to see you getting on with your life on social media, that’s not going to hurt either.
5) Give yourself a pep talk
When you like someone, I know it’s easier said than done to walk away.
You might get mad and tell yourself you’re done, but then a few hours later find yourself texting her again.
In these situations, you might need to give yourself a bit of a pep talk.
Rather than have it go around and around in your head, write it out. Believe me, putting pen to paper can be really powerful and cathartic.
- Write out why this isn’t good enough for you.
- Write out what you expect, need and want from a woman you are dating.
These are your standards and should form the basis for your boundaries, which will serve to protect you.
Reread this and remind yourself whenever you feel tempted to reach out.
Remember, you’ve got to back yourself.
If you’re not good to yourself, you’re going to find the women you attract into your life may not be either.
So now is the time to give yourself a pep talk, build up your own confidence, and remind yourself why you are a great catch, and why it’s her loss.
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