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20 brutal signs he doesn’t love you anymore (and what you can do about it)

Peter Pan syndrome
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No relationship is easy. Fighting, bickering, and stupid meaningless spats can be common between two people who love each other but are just going through a rough time.

But how do you know if your relationship is just going through a tough phase, or if it’s finally reached the end?

The major difference is whether or not both partners still love each other.

With love, anything can be fixed.

But when that love is gone, your relationship is just a corpse waiting to be discovered.

So do you think your man might have fallen out of love with you?

Here are 19 signs that he might just not love you anymore:

1) The Fighting Was Terrible, and Then It Stopped

Nobody likes fighting in a relationship, but at least fighting is a sign that both parties still care.

And many people make the mistake of seeing the end of fighting as a good thing; after a long series of fights, you and your partner have finally stopped squabbling and therefore you fixed your relationship.

But fighting can end without the relationship itself becoming fixed.

Fighting can also end when one partner simply gives up and just can’t be bothered anymore, and that might be the ultimate sign that your man has completely fallen out of love.

The things he used to fight you over now seem stupid to him, because he doesn’t care about you or the relationship at all anymore and he’s just waiting for its natural death, or for the opportunity to finally leave.

He’s going through the motions and letting you have your wins, because it’s not a competition he wants to be a part of anymore.

2) You Can’t Remember the Last “New” Experience You Had With Him

A man who loves you wants to have the best for you, and what’s better than a new experience?

And a new experience doesn’t necessarily mean spending several thousand dollars on a vacation halfway around the world.

It could be something as simple as eating out at a new restaurant together, trying out a new hobby together, or even cooking a new dish together.

These experiences matter because they build and strengthen the foundation of a happy relationship.

But your partner doesn’t do these things with you anymore, and you don’t really try to do them with him, either.

He no longer loves you meaning he no longer loves your relationship together, meaning he no longer cares about building those memories.

3) You Don’t Know What’s Going On With Him Anymore

The life of an average settled couple can become routine and boring — you both go off to work everyday, you maybe hangout with friends on the weekends, and maybe you spend nights together watching Netflix on the couch.

But even if very little is going on in your lives, you still know all the little things going on in his head; his thoughts, his rants, his annoyances, the things he’s looking forward to.

These days, it feels like you know nothing.

You know his routines but nothing going on under the surface.

He doesn’t tell you all the things he doesn’t have to tell you, just the things you know about.

He feels like a very well-acquainted stranger in your life.

4) He’s Not Part of the Things You’re Doing

Just as you’ve stopped being part of his world, he’s also stopped being part of yours.

Slowly but surely, and probably without you even realizing it until just recently, he untangled himself from your life, cutting the cords binding him to all your shared social obligations.

And he shows no interest in reversing any of that.

When you bring it up to him, he might just say that he’s much busier than he used to be, or that space is good for both of you.

And sure, while it’s important to hold onto your individuality and stay a “whole self”, it’s also important to make sure to spend enough time with your partner that you actually still act like a couple.

But there’s the thing — he no longer wants to be a couple with you.

5) He Doesn’t Hold Back Anymore

Relationships live or die off the back of the rules that you and your partner set for each other.

There are unwritten rules and lines that you both know never to cross, because these are places you just can’t come back from easily.

It might be issues that you are each deeply insecure about, or things that are close to your heart; there are ways our partners can hurt us deeper than anyone else, simply because they know us more than anyone else.

But he doesn’t care anymore. Your partner stopped respecting those lines and whenever the two of you fight, you know he’s more than willing to cross those lines and use the deadliest bullets in his arsenal.

And the truth is he stopped respecting those lines because he stopped loving and respecting you, and a part of him wants to see how far he can push you before you do what he doesn’t have the guts to do: end the relationship for good.

6) You’ve Caught Him In Small Lies

Lying is never good, especially when it’s between two people who are supposed to be building their lives together.

Some of the biggest lies we can tell our partners is whether or not we betrayed them, cheated on them, or hurt them in some way.

But what’s even worse is when you catch your man lying to you meaninglessly, for no reason at all.

Small lies that he had no reason to hide from you, like how he spent his afternoon with his friends instead of working, or how he was feeling sick when he actually just wanted to be alone.

Things that you would have totally understood had he just told you the truth; instead, he ended up lying to you about them.

Why? Because he just doesn’t care anymore, and you’ve stopped being important in his heart.

7) He Doesn’t Protect You Anymore

When a man is truly in love, he can’t help but protect his object of affection. It’s in his DNA.

A study published in the Physiology & Behavior journal shows that male’s testosterone makes them feel protective over their mate’s safety and well-being.

There’s actually a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that’s getting a lot of buzz at the moment. It goes to the heart of the riddle about why men fall in love—and who they fall in love with.

The theory claims that men want to be your hero. That they want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and provide and protect her.

This is deeply rooted in male biology.

People are calling it the hero instinct. I wrote a detailed primer about the concept which you can read here.

The kicker is that a man won’t fall in love with you when he doesn’t feel like your hero.

He wants to see himself as a protector. As someone, you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as an accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.

I know this might sound a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more.

But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into our DNA to seek out relationships that allow us to feel like a protector.

If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides a fascinating insight into this new concept.

So if he is failing to protect you, then that might be a bad sign that he is falling out of love with you.

How can you tell?

Does he put his body on the side of the traffic when you’re crossing the street?

Does he try to save your day when you’re going through a crisis?

Does he rush to fix the tire on your car when it’s broken down?

If you answer no to these questions, then he may have lost the passion to be your hero.

8) Your Sex Life Feels Old

Two people can still have sex even if they’ve fallen out of love with each other, so the physical act of actually sleeping together doesn’t necessarily mean that he still loves you.

A better aspect to judge is the quality of your sex life, and whether or not he actually feels like he’s still into it, or if he’s just going through the motions and getting through his obligation to physically satisfy you.

Remember what sex used to be like: fun, exciting, and kinky.

There was always something you or he wanted to try for next time, always a reason to get back into bed with him, and a carnal urge that you could just feel when he was around you.

But now? Now it feels old. It feels dead, limp, and boring, and half the time you don’t even ask him for it anymore because you know you’ll just be disappointed with what it’s become.

9) He Stopped Caring About Your Happiness and He Stopped Saying Sorry

You fell in love with him because of how he made you feel — light, happy, optimistic, and hopeful for the future — and you never wanted to let that feeling go.

He filled you with a giddiness that still felt amazing even after the initial rush faded away, and you did your best to fill him with that feeling, too.

But over the months or years of fighting and arguments, that feeling has not only disappeared, but he seems to be intent on making you feel the opposite.

When he hurts you, he refuses to apologize because his ego is more important to him than your pain; when you are upset, he refuses to consider what he could do to make you feel better, because he’s tired of your feelings and the way you process things emotionally.

He’s tired, he’s exhausted, and he’s done, and the sooner you see that, the sooner you can begin looking after yourself again.

10) His Friends Are Growing Distant From You

There was a time when his friends were your friends, and they made you feel like you were part of the crew, or at least someone they enjoyed to be around.

You could sense their joy that you were part of his life and subsequently their lives, and you loved being around them.

But these days, they seem to know something you don’t know.

They act distant, less friendly than before, but just respectful and interactive enough that you don’t have a real reason to be suspicious.

If your partner has fallen out of love with you, his closest friends are probably the first to know, and they won’t always be as good at hiding that truth as he might be.

11) There Are No More Plans for the Future

When was the last time you and your man talked about the future? Was it months ago, years? There are no more hopes, no more dreams; just an acceptance of your current reality, and living it one day at a time until life passively changes on its own.

He might say that it’s because he already has the future he wants, or that he might just be too busy to daydream like before.

But we always have hopes and dreams when we’re happy and satisfied with our lives, with a partner we supposedly love.

If he no longer loves you, then he no longer feels that same drive and motivation to continue bettering his life with you.

12) He Stopped Taking Care of Himself

He’s not the guy you fell in love with anymore and it only takes one glance to see that. Back in the day, he’d show up at your doorstep looking sexy.

And even if he wasn’t a particularly sharp dresser, you could tell he put in the effort because he wanted to look good for you.

Nowadays, it’s the complete opposite. Even on special occasions he can’t seem to be bothered to look nice.

And it’s not just the clothes. He’s given up on looking decent for you or even doing the bare minimum like combing his hair or brushing his teeth.

When you look at him, you no longer feel a sliver of attraction. It’s more like living with a roommate than your boyfriend.

13) Your “Cute” Things Now Annoy Him

No couple is perfect. Even the person most compatible with you is bound to have personality quirks.

After all, you can’t be 100% on the same page. But it’s exactly these quirks that add life to your interactions.

Maybe he used to find your perfectionism charming or took delight in how long you get ready for a night out.

Now you can’t really remember the last time he just enjoyed you for who you are.

Gone are the days when these little things you did (or are) were cute to him.

When you display certain personality traits, he no longer shrugs it off or finds it endearing.

He reacts to everything you do negatively, especially the old quirks he used to love about you.

It’s like he wants to date a different person entirely — one without the specific set of oddities that make up who you are.

14) There’s Always “A Lot On His Mind”

Want to talk about why you’ve been fighting recently? You can’t, because he’s busy.

Want to suggest a fun trip in hopes of rekindling your relationship? Nope, he’s too preoccupied for that too.

Despite any and all of your efforts to repair the relationship, he simply doesn’t seem interested to do his fair share anymore.

Every time you bring something up that forces him to recommit to the relationship or even evaluate it, he’s always giving you the “I’m too busy” card.

A guy who still wants to make the relationship work will carve out time for you in his busy schedule.

If he seems to prioritize literally anything else before you, take it as a sign that he’s looking for a way out and is hoping his aversion will finally force you to pull the plug.

15) There’s No More Extra Communication

Remember the days when he would send you thoughtful gifts out of nowhere or even drop by and say hi?

Remember those random phone calls and texts asking you how you were and what you were up to?

You think back to those small moments and wonder where it all went.

Nowadays, hours can go by without the two of you speaking and it doesn’t seem to bother him anymore.

It’s not that you don’t talk; you just stopped talking outside the essentials.

Your interactions are limited to polite niceties and conversations expected of couples.

Sure, you still do the dinner chit chat about work but you stopped talking for the sake of talking.

Ask yourself this: when was the last time you just hung out, sat together, and talked?

The last time you laughed and had a great time just doing nothing and being next to each other?

If you can’t remember the last time, it’s probably because you’ve stopped enjoying each other’s company.

16) He’s Just Never Happy Anymore

Something about him seems… disgruntled, like he’s no longer happy with his life.

Even on “good” days (which are becoming increasingly rare), he doesn’t seem to show any enthusiasm or excitement.

You look at him and he seems to be hellbent on turning a relatively good day into something miserable and unhappy.

This pervasive unhappiness bleeds into everything he does, including his interactions with you.

He seems less patient, less considerate, and less willing.

All of a sudden you find yourself pulling the weight because he seems just about done with everything, from home chores to initiating intimate moments in the bedroom.

17) You Know Several Things He Doesn’t Like About You

And it’s not because of your superhuman intuition.

Because he no longer respects boundaries, it’s easy for him to enumerate the list of things that are wrong about you.

From the way you wear your hair to the idiosyncrasies in your personality, you know exactly what about you he dislikes.

He has no problems isolating your flaws and pointing them out. Even the “innocent” things you do outside of fights have become wrong.

At the end of the day, the feeling that he doesn’t love you any more isn’t so much of a feeling as it is an obvious fact.

With all the many things he doesn’t like about you, on top of his blatant callousness in showing you that he doesn’t like you because of those things, it’s clear to see he’s just done with the relationship.

18) You Feel Isolated From the People Who Matter To You

Nowadays it seems like a choice between him and the people you love.

You feel more isolated than ever and it doesn’t feel like he cares about your happiness anymore.

Even though you want to get some clarity regarding your relationship by talking to the people you love, you can’t do that because he’s effectively keeping you away from them.

It’s impossible to find happiness outside the relationship because he’s put up a wall between you and the rest of the world.

If your guy is doing this, it’s a clear sign that he’s not only mad but quite vindictive about the relationship.

His intentions aren’t just to keep you stuck in a loveless relationship but to isolate you enough that you feel hopeless and lonely in it.

If your partner is acting this way, know that there’s no reconciling and the best move is to just pack your bags and call it quits.

19) He Thinks Your Feelings Are Silly

With love comes empathy. Unfortunately a man who has fallen out of love with you will likely call your feelings blase.

It doesn’t matter how valid your feelings are or if your retaliations are just reactions to what he’s done; every single emotion that comes out of you is the same old gimmick to him.

This inability to empathize with you and feel sympathy for you translates into different things.

He might push you further even when you’re crying mid-fight.

He might call you names even if you tell him to stop.

Your feelings very clearly don’t matter to him anymore, enough for him to completely take it for granted.

Without even knowing it, he’s making life-changing decisions on your behalf or without you.

He no longer turns to you for advice or asks for your opinion in both the small and significant details of his and your life together.

In other words, he no longer considers you part of his bubble and has no reservations making sure you know it too.

20) He Spaces Out During Conversations

Do you ever get the feeling that he’s not really there?

You could be talking about something absolutely fascinating but his eyes never seem to really meet yours.

Sure, you’re still eating together and doing everything that you used to do but even a blind person would see that he’s not really paying attention.

Long story short, he’s so out of love with you that he’s just uninterested in everything you say.

You find yourself saying the same thing over and over again only to have it fall on deaf ears.

Whether you’re picking a restaurant for dinner or talking over financial plans, it doesn’t really matter.

You’re just talking to a brick wall either way.

Knowing When Enough is Enough

The end of a relationship can be devastating, especially when it hasn’t even officially ended yet. Nothing is worse than knowing that your partner is slowly falling out of love for you and seeing it unfold day by day.

Do you try harder?

Do you try to reconcile the relationship?

While it’s admirable to want to save a dying relationship, there is also nobility in letting it go.

At some point you have to face the music and accept the fact that your man is no longer the guy you fell in love with.

If he’s not willing to work through things, no amount of effort from your side will restore the relationship to its former glory.

How can you make him love you again? Here is one crucial strategy

1. Make your man feel like a hero

I talked about the hero instinct above. It’s a powerful concept.

And if you want your man to fall back in love with you, you must make him feel like your provider and protector, and someone you genuinely admire.

Yep, you have to make him feel like a hero (not exactly like Thor though).

I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more.

But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.

Men have a thirst for admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and service, provide and protect her. This is deeply rooted in male biology.

And the kicker?

A man won’t fall in love with a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied.

He wants to see himself as a provider. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.

If you don’t make him feel this, he will feel like less of a man. Emasculated. And your boyfriend will lose interest in you over time.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just by giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.

A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.

How?

You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.

As I mentioned above, the best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.

Top tip:

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct

 

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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