Ava Sinclair
It’s a fine line between being helpful and sounding condescending.
The line blurs when you use phrases that may seem innocent but actually carry a patronizing undertone.
We’ve all been there, thinking we’re giving advice or making a point, but instead, we come off as belittling or superior.
And let’s be honest, most of us don’t intend to sound like we’re speaking down to others. We’re just not aware that our words might be perceived that way.
So here’s a heads up. This article will list some seemingly harmless phrases that can unintentionally drip with condescension. Look out for these and navigate your conversations with more empathy and understanding.
1) “Just relax…”
The phrase “just relax” might seem like an innocent suggestion, a way to help someone overcome stress or anxiety. The intention might be pure, but the message it sends can be loaded with condescension.
Why? Because it implies that the person you’re speaking to doesn’t have control over their emotions. It suggests that they’re overreacting, and that their feelings aren’t valid.
In reality, telling someone to “just relax” rarely helps them calm down. Instead, it can make them feel dismissed and belittled.
So next time you’re tempted to tell someone to “just relax”, try empathizing with their situation instead. It’s more likely to be appreciated, and less likely to be perceived as condescending.
2) “You’re overthinking it…”
I’ve been called a worrier more times than I can count. My mind likes to analyze every possible outcome, and sometimes, it can get the better of me.
A friend often tells me, “you’re overthinking it”. It’s meant to be reassuring, a reminder to stop spiraling into worst-case scenarios. But honestly? It feels dismissive.
The phrase “you’re overthinking it” might seem like friendly advice, but I have to be honest, it doesn’t usually strike me that way.
I know of course that she doesn’t mean it like this, but this phrase feels like it devalues my concerns and feelings. It implies that my worries are trivial and that I lack the ability to handle my own thoughts.
Before you tell someone they’re ‘overthinking it’, consider offering support or understanding instead. Trust me, as someone who’s been on the receiving end, it feels much better.
3) “It’s not rocket science…”
The phrase “it’s not rocket science” is commonly used to imply something is not very complicated. But, here’s the thing – not everyone has the same skill set or understanding.
What may seem simple to you could be challenging for someone else. And when you use this phrase, it can come across as if you’re mocking their struggle or implying that they lack intelligence.
You can surely think of a situation you’ve been in yourself, where someone’s knowledge or skill made something look so easy, and yet to you it felt like the complete opposite. How would you feel if they started explaining it to you with this phrase?
Here’s a better way: offer your help or break down the task in a more accessible way. It’s a small shift in language that can make a significant difference in how your words are received.
4) “I’m just saying…”
“I’m just saying” is often tacked onto the end of a statement as a sort of disclaimer. It’s usually used after delivering a critique or a piece of unsolicited advice.
While it might seem like a harmless phrase, it can actually come across as quite condescending. It suggests that the speaker feels they have the right to comment on the situation, regardless of whether their input was requested or not.
The phrase also has a way of undermining the person you’re speaking to. It can make them feel as though their own perspective or feelings are being dismissed.
When you catch yourself about to say “I’m just saying”, pause for a moment. Consider whether your words are truly helpful, or if they might be better left unspoken.
5) “At least you…”
“At least you…” is a phrase that’s often used in an attempt to offer comfort or perspective. For example, “At least you have a job” or “At least you’re healthy”.
While the intentions behind these words might be good, trying to make the person focus on the positive, they can actually feel quite dismissive. Though it’s not your intention, the phrase has a way of minimizing someone’s feelings and experiences, making them feel like they don’t have the right to be upset or disappointed.
Instead of offering comfort, it can make the person feel guilty for their emotions. It’s as though their struggles aren’t significant enough to warrant sympathy or understanding.
So, before using the phrase “At least you…”, try empathizing with how the person might be feeling. Validate their emotions rather than trying to brush them off. Remember, it’s not a competition of who has it worse. Everyone’s feelings are valid, no matter their situation.
6) “You’re too sensitive…”
Growing up, I was often told that I was “too sensitive”. It felt like a critique, a suggestion that my feelings were wrong or excessive.
The phrase “you’re too sensitive” might seem like just an observation, perhaps even a suggestion for improvement, but it’s actually a subtle form of gaslighting. It invalidates the person’s feelings and experiences, suggesting that their response is the problem rather than the action or event that caused it.
This phrase can make someone question their own emotions and reactions, even eroding their self-confidence over time.
I’m sure you don’t want that. So do this instead – acknowledge their feelings and perspective. Recall that we all experience and process emotions differently, and there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.
7) “No offense, but…”
We’ve all heard it, and maybe even used it ourselves – “No offense, but…”. Ironically, it’s almost always followed by a comment that is, indeed, offensive.
This phrase is a classic example of a backhanded compliment or criticism. It’s a way for the speaker to say something potentially hurtful or condescending while trying to absolve themselves of any blame.
But here’s the thing: stating “no offense” doesn’t give us a free pass to say whatever we want. If anything, it signals to the person you’re speaking to that they should brace themselves for an offensive comment.
When this phrase is about to roll off your tongue, that’s a reality check for you to reconsider how kind or helpful your words really are. Find a way to say it that communicates enough respect for this phrase to not be needed anymore.
8) “Can’t you take a joke?”
The phrase “Can’t you take a joke?” is often used to dismiss someone’s reaction to a comment or action that they found hurtful or offensive. Instead of acknowledging that the ‘joke’ may have crossed a line, it puts the blame on the person who was hurt by it.
This phrase is particularly damaging because it not only invalidates the person’s feelings but also questions their sense of humor or ability to socialize. It’s a form of gaslighting that can make someone question their own perceptions and reactions.
If you ever find yourself wanting to say, “Can’t you take a joke?”, stop and reflect. Remember, humor should never come at the expense of someone’s feelings. What may be funny to one person might be hurtful to another, and their feelings should always be respected.
Food for thought
Words are powerful tools. They have the ability to build bridges, ignite ideas, and spark change. But they can also cause harm, often when we least intend it.
Phrases that seem innocent can sometimes be laden with condescension, unintentionally bruising egos and straining relationships. As we have explored in this article, even common expressions like “just relax” or “you’re overthinking it” can come across as dismissive or belittling.
So, what’s the solution? It lies in empathy and mindfulness. As you navigate your interactions in the days to come, I hope you’ll remember these seemingly innocent phrases we’ve discussed and the weight they might carry.
