It’s just a little lie, right? They’ll never know, right?
Unfortunately, it isn’t right at all.
Lying in a relationship is bad, bad news – no matter what your reasons are.
If you keep secrets from your partner, the relationship is probably more doomed than you think. And I hate to break it to you, but eventually, things might take a turn for the worse.
Especially if you’re keeping secrets about any of these 7 things…
1) Your dating history
My ex lied to me about who he lost his virginity to. It turned out, it was his best mate’s current girlfriend, who I got along very well with. I wouldn’t have had a problem with it. But when I found out that he’d lied, I was super uncomfortable…
For sure, there’s no need to share all your intimate details of your past. I’d hate to know everything about what my current partner used to get up to! Just like I’m sure he’d hate to hear the same things about me.
Likewise, if they don’t ask, there’s probably no need to tell…
But otherwise, you should be upfront about your dating history if your partner asks you about it. Lying about who you’ve dated and anything else you’ve done is only going to cause more problems later…
2) How much money you earn
I can already hear the excuses.
“But this relationship isn’t serious!”
“They might take advantage when they know how much I earn!”
Even if those things are true (or suspected) you can’t lie about your job to the person you’re dating. And you really, really shouldn’t lie about your salary.
I get why you might want to lie. Trust me, I really do. But lying about something like this isn’t the way to build a good relationship.
If someone is only dating you because they think you earn the big bucks or work a certain job, they aren’t someone you should be dating.
And if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your salary with the person you’re dating, just be honest about it! Tell them you’d prefer not to say right now.
Of course, if things are serious, you won’t be able to keep it a secret from them forever… But telling them you don’t want to share is way better than lying – I can promise you that.
3) Your age
“I just need people to get to know me before they rule me out based on age” – you might say to justify why your age is lower or higher on the dating apps.
And again, I really do get it. There’s a stigma about how women have to be younger or the same age as a guy. And vice versa, for a guy to be older than a woman.
So it might be tempting to lie about your age to widen your net. Or to attract the “type” of person you’re looking for. But it really isn’t a good idea.
Firstly, they aren’t going to trust you ever again when they find out. Secondly, it’s manipulative. And thirdly (harsh truth alert), you need to be more secure in yourself.
If you don’t think they’re going to like you for who you really are, this might be all in your head. If you know for a fact they won’t, then the relationship isn’t right. And no amount of lies are going to make it right…
4) Your social plans
Another thing you shouldn’t lie about; where you’re going and who you’re going with.
I can only think of three reasons why you might lie about your social plans.
One: you’re embarrassed about where you’re going or who you’re going with. Two: your partner won’t like where you’re going or who you’re going with. And three: you shouldn’t be where you’re going or seeing who you’re seeing!
And to be honest, none of these are justifiable.
If your partner makes you feel embarrassed, then I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t a real partnership you’re in. And if you feel this way on your own, it’s probably just in your head.
If it’s the latter and you know your partner won’t like where you’re going, or that you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t be doing it.
Like if you were going to the strip club or out for coffee with an ex. If your partner won’t like it, don’t do it. Or talk to them about it at length to see if you can find some common ground.
Don’t lie. It just isn’t going to work in your favor when they find out (and trust me, they always find out!).
5) How much something you bought costs
“I just won’t tell him how much I spent”.
“It’s a lot but I’ll tell my partner it was less”.
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard coworkers and people on the train say something to this effect!
Lying is lying. And no matter what it’s about, you shouldn’t do it with your partner.
If you’re lying about how much you spend on things, this is a slippery slope. And besides, it’s just not necessary.
If it’s your money, they don’t have a say over what you spend it on anyway (as long as you don’t have a financial commitment to each other, like a mortgage or bills).
If it’s their money, you definitely shouldn’t be lying about how much of it you’re spending. That’s kind of financial abuse… And it just isn’t the right way to build a healthy relationship.
6) Past infidelities
Did you cheat on your high school girlfriend? Or text other guys while you were in a relationship before?
I think everyone makes mistakes in relationships. Some, of course, are more severe than others (like cheating). And I don’t think you need to get into detail about all the mistakes you made in previous relationships with your current partner…
But if you’ve been unfaithful in past relationships, you should tell your partner about it.
I know what you’re thinking, “They might not want to date me after”. And I’ll be honest, they might not! But when (not if) they find out later, things are going to be so much worse.
They won’t trust anything you say. They might not even trust that you’ve been faithful to them. And they’ll probably end things quicker than you can say you’re sorry!
Whereas if you come clean now and show them how much you’ve grown since then, they’re way more likely to accept you as you are.
Plus, it’s just fairer. It gives them the chance to choose a relationship with someone they actually know. Rather than someone they don’t really know at all…
7) Things you aren’t proud of
You really don’t have to tell your partner everything that goes on in your life. And you really don’t have to tell them everything that’s happened to you in the past.
But if they ask about something, you shouldn’t lie in your answer – even if you aren’t proud of what you did.
You can tell them you don’t want to talk about it, but bear in mind you might not be able to say this forever. And besides, talking to your partner about things you aren’t proud of is a good thing!
It makes you human and it helps you connect. It also shows how much you’ve grown and how mature you are, when you can reflect on the past and talk about it meaningfully.
I dated a guy once who had a scar on his hand. After we’d been together for a couple of years, I asked him how he got it. If you couldn’t already guess, he lied.
When I found out and confronted him about the lie, he said he was ashamed of how he really got it. So he lied to make it sound better than it was.
The thing is, I didn’t care how he did it. I cared that he lied.
I can promise you that your partner will feel the same way if you lie about similar things – no matter how ashamed you are of what you really did!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a relationship isn’t anything without trust.
Even though you may think you can get away with certain lies or twists of truth, you won’t be able to forever.
If you’re dating someone with high emotional intelligence, they’ll probably have a gut feeling that you aren’t telling the truth. Anyone else will probably hear about it through the grapevine eventually.
And either way, it’s just a bad idea to lie to your partner. If you want to build a strong, solid, healthy, and happy relationship, don’t lie about any of these things.
If you’ve already lied about any of them, take this as your sign to come clean! Because you can’t live with these lies forever.
And besides, what happens after you tell the truth might not be as bad as you think it’ll be in your head…