Is it relationship anxiety or are you not in love? 8 ways to tell

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Relationship anxiety is a fear of being with the wrong person. 

This kind of anxiety might get mixed up with wondering whether you’re actually in love or not. 

Learn the difference between these two feelings.

1) Relationship anxiety can cause you to wait for something to go wrong 

You’ve surely heard of the phrase things are “too good to be true”.

This is the sort of anxiety I’m talking about here.

It’s an expectation that things are bound to go wrong at some point and that the way things are is, well, simply too good to be true. 

But just because you’re thinking things are too good to be true and you’re not sure whether the relationship is going to last doesn’t mean you’re not in love. 

It just means you’re in an anxious headspace and you’re preempting the worst.

Just because you’re waiting for something to go wrong doesn’t necessarily mean that you want it to go wrong. 

Think about it in different terms: by thinking about what could go wrong, you’re almost protecting yourself as you mentally gear yourself up for this possibility.

But if you don’t want this to happen then you need to shift your focus away from this prospect.

If we think in terms of manifesting, then you can expect to attract this situation as you focus on it and pour your energy into it. 

Try and not let your mind gravitate to this place in an anxious state. 

Instead, focus on all of the things you do like about the relationship and your partner.

2) You’ll daydream about other people if you’re not in love

On the other hand, it can be a sign that you’re not in love with your partner anymore if you start fantasizing about other people.

When two people are really in love, that person consumes all of their thoughts.

In my experience, the early days with my boyfriend were filled with thinking about when I was next going to see him and how much I loved him.

I even have a note I wrote to myself after a few months of knowing him, which includes my thoughts on how gorgeous I thought he was and how I loved his attitude to life. 

I thought he was the best thing in the entire world.

There is no ‘but’, as I still think he’s great and I’m not daydreaming about other people. 

However, I’m aware the intensity has subsided. 

Now, if I were daydreaming about other people it would be a cause for concern and a signal that I’m not mentally in the relationship anymore. 

So, ask yourself: has the passion died down a bit (which comes in waves in relationships) or is your mind wandering off to thoughts about being with someone else?

 If it’s the latter then there’s a chance you’re not in love with your partner anymore and it might be time to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling.

3) You could be sabotaging the relationship because you’re anxious 

An anxiety around the relationship could lead to you sabotaging what you two have.

There are numerous reasons that you might be enacting sabotaging behavior, such as starting arguments and accusing them of things they haven’t done. 

The reason for doing this? 

You might feel like this relationship is doomed to fail and that you’re better off ending it before your partner does. 

Alternatively, you might feel like your partner is going to prevent you from doing the things you want to do when it comes to it and you want to free yourself.

I admit that I feel I’ve been trying to sabotage my current relationship. It’s out of a fear that my partner is going to hold me back.

You see, I love traveling and taking myself off for months at a time but that doesn’t work for him. He has to be in a fixed place for work and he doesn’t want a girlfriend that’s constantly on the road. This means I either give up the dream and stay back with him, we come to a compromise where he meets me on the road or we just do the long-distance thing. 

He’s already said he doesn’t want to go long-distance, so that leaves me either not going at all or very likely adapting my travel plans.

The fear of him stopping me from being free and exploring the world is causing me to sabotage the relationship.

I’m anxious that he’s going to hold me back and not allow me to, well, be me.

Now, there are so many reasons that you might be sabotaging the relationship and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not in love.

I still believe I’m in love; I’m just anxious about the situation and the implications for me.

Sabotaging behavior is typical of being anxious, and it’s a cue to look at yourself and why you’re doing it.

You can learn a lot about yourself through introspection.

I found that talking to a professional relationship coach helped me to get clear on my actions in the relationship. 

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through issues in their romantic relationships – including exhibiting sabotaging behaviors. 

Speaking to a coach helped me to get clear on the fact I’ve been sabotaging out of fear and that it’s not to do with not being in love. 

They encouraged me to have an open, frank conversation with my partner, which resulted in me outlining how I was feeling. explained that I need the space to just be me and travel, but I didn’t want to lose the relationship. 

The coach I spoke to helped me find the words to explain that I needed to choose myself first and to follow my dreams in order to be the best version of me in the relationship. 

Being resentful is not a good thing.

They also helped me to see that if we’re supposed to be then we will be. In other words, my boyfriend shouldn’t hold me back, but instead he should let me go and trust that I will come back if what we have is real.

4) You’ll no longer prioritizing them if you’re falling out of love

If you want a successful, healthy relationship, your partner should be a priority in your life. 

They should come above other things like hobbies and seeing friends. 

This relationship requires work to be successful and that means they need to be right up there at the top of your life.

Of course, you are your first priority. It’s important you put yourself and your needs first. But they’re a close second. 

If you can feel that they’re not as high up the list as they used to be, and you’d rather spend time with other people or doing other things then you need to look closely at your situation.

Ask yourself:

  • How long has it been like this?
  • Why am I doing this?
  • Do I want it to continue being like this?

These questions will help you get clarity on your situation and you can start to identify whether you’re really in love with your partner or not.

Maybe you’ll notice it’s just a recent thing and that you want to spend more quality time with your partner.

If you feel like you really are in love and that you want things to change between you two, make time for each other. 

Schedule a date night and use it as an opportunity to talk about things honestly and openly. Remember, being vulnerable is the cornerstone to closeness in a relationship.

5) You could be over-analyzing your partner’s words because you’re anxious

Analyzing what someone says to you isn’t inherently a bad thing, nor is calling someone out if they’ve offended you.

But overanalyzing to a point of reading into every little thing is. 

For example, you might fixate on an off-the-cuff comment and go over and over it as you try to understand your partner’s intentions.

If you find yourself doing this in your relationship, you could have relationship anxiety.

This is very true for me. 

Recently, my boyfriend made a comment about my new hobbies and the fact I’m dabbling with loads of different things.

You see, at the moment I’ve been exploring different interests just for fun.

To this, he said: “which one is going to stick?” And he didn’t say it in a jokey way, but in a way that said: you don’t see things through.

It was a spikey comment and I found it upsetting. 

I didn’t hold back from letting him know that I found the comment jarring. 

What’s more, it sent me into a spiral of trying to understand what was beneath the comment and why he felt the need to say it. 

I felt like it was a dig at me without an apparent reason. It was as though I was left wondering: what have I done for you to think like this?

I asked and he explained that my indecision around a big life decision had planted a seed that I change my mind like the wind and don’t stick with the things I say. Naturally, he apologized for making the comment, but it still lingers and bothers me today.

It left me wondering whether he has issues with me that run deep and ultimately whether we’re compatible.

I can see now that the overanalysis comes from an anxious place. 

I haven’t been left wondering whether we have love between us, yet instead I’ve sat with whether he has negative feelings towards me that are festering – which is inherently anxious!

6) Your partner might give you the ick if you’re not in love

Now, this is a big indicator that you might be falling out of love with your partner.

That said, relationships ebb and flow and there might be times when you feel really attracted to your partner and others when you’d rather have a bit of space. 

This is normal.

However, what isn’t normal is a constant feeling of having an ‘ick’ towards your partner. 

By this, I mean not wanting to hold hands, cuddle or let alone kiss your partner. If you’re falling out of love with your partner you might even be repulsed by them! 

This is obviously a big indication that something is wrong. 

If you feel like things are out of alignment in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and speak to your partner about how you’re feeling.

Don’t let these thoughts fester and manifest as micro-aggressions towards them. 

Instead, address them within yourself. Before you speak to your partner, get clear about how you’re feeling. 

For example, think back to the last time you two got cozy on the sofa and how it made you feel. 

  • Happy and fulfilled?
  • Like things are perfect?
  • Bored?
  • Wanting to be somewhere else?

Now, think back to the last time they kissed you and how this made you feel.

  • Did you have butterflies? 
  • Did you feel indifferent?

This will help you gauge where things are at with you.

I’ll use a personal example: 

Towards the end of my last relationship, I remember kissing my boyfriend and wanting him to want me. Rather than being in the moment, he commented on how he hated the sound of me kissing. Red flag! 

It was actually one of the moments that crystalized that the relationship was pretty doomed.

So, what does this mean for you?

Get clear within yourself about how you’re feeling and be honest.

If you feel, deep down, that you still want to make things work with your boyfriend then, as I mentioned earlier, it’s worth speaking to a relationship coach.

Find an expert on Relationship Hero that resonates and chat to them about your thoughts. Like they did with me, they’ll be able to guide you through your emotions and equip you with what you want to say to your partner.

They facilitate a safe space for you to talk openly and you’ll feel better for it!

You’ll be able to think through whether you want to try and make things work with your partner, or whether it’s best for you two to go your separate ways.

7) Relationship anxiety can make you question your partner’s feelings

It could be something that’s been said or an action that’s caused you to start wondering whether your partner is all in – like they’ve said they are.

Maybe you think you’ve seen them check out another person or maybe they’ve been off with you for no apparent reason. They could have even made a comment that attacks your character on some level.

Whatever it is, your partner’s words and actions could cause anxiety within you.

This is especially true if you don’t voice how you’re feeling and they’re none the wiser.

It’s not that you two are not in love if you start feeling insecure about your partner’s feelings towards you, but instead that you’re in a state of anxiety.

The overwhelm of anxiety can make you feel like you’re not in the right relationship. 

In my experience, I’ve questioned whether I’m with the right partner because at times I’ve literally wondered if he likes me or not. 

He’s made me feel like this.

I’ll be honest: I’ve felt like he likes the idea of me and not actually me. 

The real me seems to get under his skin and I feel like he never has the time to hear me out. It’s as though he wants to be with someone who communicates in a certain way. For example, he gets annoyed at me when I don’t respond in the way he’d like.

Knowing that he finds me annoying at times has, I won’t lie, made me feel very anxious about the relationship. However, we do have a deep love for each other that I’m aware of. 

8) You could be falling out of love if you’re being closed off 

Nothing forms intimacy more than an open dialogue between two people. 

This includes sharing your deepest thoughts about how you’re feeling, how you think about the world and the questions you have – like which was to turn in life, whether something is a good decision or not and how to navigate a challenge. 

Your partner should make you feel like you can talk to them.

They should make you feel heard and supported. This means never rolling their eyes, never telling you “enough” and cutting you short, and instead holding all of the space in the world for you.

If, on the other hand, your partner has made you feel less than heard or supported, it might mean that you stop opening up to them.

Worse, if they’ve told you that you talk too much and they don’t want to hear your thoughts then it might cause you to shut down completely.

This isn’t a good sign for a relationship.

It might mean that you start opening up to others instead. If you notice that this is happening and you’re skipping sharing with your partner, it could signal that your relationship isn’t going in the right direction.

Take note of how you’re feeling as it could signal that the love isn’t there anymore.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers).

Pearl Nash

Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. Pearl is also an accredited astrologer and publishes Hack Spirit's daily horoscope.

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