It’s been months, and you still haven’t seen the goods.
You finally get it on, but there’s no way he is going “all in.” What gives? Why won’t he sleep with you?
Here are 17 reasons why your man might be avoiding the bedroom and what you can do about it.
Let’s dive in.
1) He is suffering from “performance” anxiety.
Before you start going off on a tangent about you, you’re not sexy enough, or you don’t do it for him anymore, let’s discuss performance anxiety.
It’s not as uncommon as you might think.
This is one of the most common reasons a man might not sleep with you.
The mere thought of pleasing you during sex makes him freeze up. His mind, nervous system, and/or body are just not in sync when it comes to sex.
Even if he wants to have intercourse with you, his body is sending him other signals: “I’m not the right guy for this job.”
When a man freezes up, it’s because his sexual programming is either damaged or immature (the latter being more common than you think).
By “damaged,” I mean that he suffered abuse, trauma, or hormonal/neurological disturbances.
We all have certain beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. When our core beliefs are damaged or immature (like sexual ones), then our sexual programming is bound to be out of whack.
If your man has unresolved issues regarding sexuality, it will directly affect the way he experiences his sexuality.
The more distorted the belief system, the less likely he will be to connect sexually with you and to “cope” would rather avoid it alltogehter.
2) He is emotionally unavailable.
When a man is emotionally unavailable, he blocks the frequency of his heart chakra (a metaphorical doorway into his “soul”.
The next step down in our development of sexual values and beliefs is the genital region, which is primarily based on emotional/sexual stimulation.
A man with unresolved issues relating to emotional and sexual intimacy will be less likely to engage in sex with you because of this “blockage.”
So now that you understand why, you might be able to get to the route cause of his emotional unavailability.
It’s going to be tough, but if you love and care for him, take the time to help him talk and hopefully, you’ll make progress and will be knocking some boots real soon!
3) He’s cheating.
I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s another very plausible reason as to why your man won’t sleep with you.
For some men, cheating is a matter of “sexual frequency.”
He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he wants to have sex with someone else.
This can be a blessing in disguise because it will either motivate you to confront him or it will awaken your inner strength and search for something better.
Let’s talk about the latter scenario. When a man cheats, he has already shown you that he is not ready for sexual monogamy.
This is his way of testing you because he wants to know if you are a viable prospect for sexual monogamy in the future.
If a man is cheating, then he is not ready for a monogamous relationship with you.
When you’re dealing with intimacy it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way because we’re not taught how to love ourselves first.
So, if you want to solve or get to the bottom of intimacy issues, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Rudá’s incredible advice.
4) He is asexual
Asexuality is relatively common, both among women and men..
Do you want to know the truth?
Some men are just not interested in sex. I know a lot of people who place no merit on intimacy whatsoever, and it’s just the way they are. There’s nothing wrong with them, they just don’t care about sex.
So, now that you are aware that people can be asexual it’s possible that your man is this way inclined.
If your boyfriend has no sexual interest you might need to reside yourself to the fact, that he just doesn’t have an appreciation for sex.
To put it into perspective.
A young boy may find relationships and intimacy repulsive.
Some adult men will never experience sex for themselves because it doesn’t resonate with their core values and beliefs, inner life, or socialization (whether from the broader culture or from their upbringing).
5) He is intimidated by you.
You’re a strong, independent woman and he’s intimidated by your success.
You have chosen your own path in life; one that doesn’t involve him.
You’re not interested in playing the role of a traditional wife. You are not willing to change who you are to please him or the rest of society.
The truth is, he has a sensitivity to your womanhood and he fears rejection if he makes a move on you sexually.
So if you’re wondering why he won’t sleep with you, it might be that you intimidate him. I suggest the two of you have a good heart-to-heart about this and see if you can find some middle ground.
After all, if you’re craving intimacy and he can satisfy you, you might want to reconsider your choice of man.
6) He is waiting for sex to “just happen,”
For men who are sexually immature or sexually burned out, sex on demand is a fantasy.
They love the idea of it, but they have not yet had their sexual adventure in life.
Their sexual initiation was impersonal, stressful, and full of psychological scars.
The bottom line?
If a man is not ready for sexual intimacy with you (he has not been sexually initiated into his adult life), then he won’t be able to provide you the sexual pleasure you’re looking for.
7) He is emotionally immature.
It’s not his fault.
If a man is emotionally immature, he will not be able to experience sexual intimacy with you. He won’t have the emotional strength and maturity to handle the effects of your sexuality.
When he has unresolved issues regarding sex, then he won’t be able to process your desire, so he will interpret it as “a lack of interest.”
8) He has unhealthy ideas about sex.
Bet you didn’t know that 1 in 4 men have sexual problems or have been sexually abused at some point in their lives.
And the list of sexual problems men experience continues to grow.
For other reasons, men can be “sexual illiterates.” Misperception and/or phobias regarding sex can also be an issue.
Many young boys are brought up with so-called “blue pill” parenting (the belief that one should never reveal one’s true emotions or thoughts in public). “Blue pill” parenting renders boys unable to process sexuality and sexual desire.
Up until recent years, sexuality and intercourse were shameful things, not to be discussed, and something that should be swept under the rug.
If a man is sexually deprived, he will have a hard time accepting and connecting with your desire for sex.
He will interpret your desire as “just another way for you to manipulate him.” If he is not sexually mature, then he will be less likely to be able to give you the sexual satisfaction you might expect from him.
9) His desire for you is based on what’s in it for him.
Even if a man has the best intentions regarding his sexual desire, he will still show you that he is not committed to your desires.
He may be afraid that his desire will cause an imbalance in the relationship. For instance, a man might secretly want to hide his “sexual addiction.”
He may want to reduce sex with you down to a casual affair–a limited-time engagement where he can only satisfy half of his desires.
As “manly” as it sounds, a man will only put up with a woman’s desires if his desire for something in return is significant enough.
If the costs outweigh the benefits, then he becomes less interested in you.
This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t want to please you. It just means that it’s a matter of sexual maturity: if he isn’t mature enough to be with you sexually, then he will run away from your sexuality.
10) He is still a virgin.
Some men are unable to understand sexual activity because they have never been in a sexual relationship before.
They have never had the opportunity to experience sex with another person or explore their own sexuality. If a man has been denied sexual experiences, then he will be unable to experience the sexual desire necessary for sex.
On the other hand, it could be as simple as never having the opportunity to have sex, based on life circumstances, religion, or other.
Also, it’s kinda embarrassing for men to admit that they’re still a virgin.
So to cope with the situation, they avoid sex at all costs.
Of course, it might be a case that he’s asexual (as mentioned above) but you’ll be surprised at how many men are still virgins in their ’20s, 30s, 40s, etc.
11) He is afraid of getting too close to you.
If a man has been hurt in a past relationship, then he’s likely to be damaged and/or distrustful.
If he is afraid of getting too close to you, he will pull away from you physically because he believes that “getting close” means “being vulnerable.”
The act of sex is an incredibly intimate moment between two people and if he’s afraid of his overpowering feelings for you, he might hold out on physical intimacy.
While this article explores the main reasons why he won’t sleep with you, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
Relationships can be confusing and frustrating. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
I’ve always been skeptical about getting outside help until I actually tried it out.
Relationship Hero is the best resource I’ve found for love coaches who aren’t just talking. They have seen it all, and they know all about how to tackle difficult situations like getting to the bottom of your boyfriend’s intimacy issues.
Personally, I tried them last year while going through the mother of all crises in my own love life. They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions.
My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
12) He’s saving himself for marriage.
Yes, you read that right. In today’s day and age, many men (and women) are actually waiting for marriage before having sex.
They believe that sex is a sacred bond between two people and should not be taken lightly.
Since the wedding night is a special occasion for many couples, some men will wait until their wedding night to have sex with their bride (and some will never have sex unless it’s for reproduction – which is an entirely separate article).
So, if he’s saving himself for marriage, there’s no sense pressuring him or pleading with him to be intimate with you. It’s just his way of keeping himself pure until marriage.
13) He’s experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED)
If he has ED, he won’t be able to build up the necessary sexual desire to make you happy.
It’s a real medical issue that many men suffer from and with so much stigma surrounding the issue, few actually seek the medical assistance they need.
Factors like stress, burnout, and grief can aggravate ED but at the end of the day, it’s a medical condition that needs to be treated as such.
If he’s been sexually deprived, then his body won’t be “ready” for sex. Even if he’s ready physically, his mind will feel unprepared for sex and despite trying won’t be able to “get it up”.
14) He might be feeling conflicted about his sexuality.
Gone are the days where it was considered criminal to be sexually attracted to the same sex.
Despite the fact the fact that we’ve come so far with embracing all types of sexulaity, some men might have a hard time accepting the fact that they’re gay or bisexual.
He might also be in an experimental phase.
A man might not accept that he is sexually attracted to other men. He believes that he is able to experiment with this “other” sexuality when his body responds sexually to another man.
If he’s experimenting with his sexuality (if it’s an “experiment”), then he will be reluctant to let you in on it.
15) He’s not attracted to you.
Okay, I know you probably don’t want to hear this but it’s a very plausible reason.
Men are visual creatures. They have their preferences and they have their quirks.
At the end of the day, you might need to face the brutal truth.
There’s nothing wrong with “his” sexuality. He may very well be a healthy, active male who is simply not attracted to you.
If he doesn’t have strong sexual feelings for you then he will be less interested in satisfying your desires.
16) He might have an STD.
STDs are a concern ( and are pretty gross and embarrassing).
If he has several sexual partners or if he’s been promiscuous, then it’s possible that he may have contracted an STD.
Many STDs can “lower” or “dampen” his sexual desire. Also, no one would feel comfortable blatantly stating that they’ve just battled with a bout of herpes.
So, if this is the case, it’s best to let him get the treatment he needs before you consider jumping on for a ride.
17) He has pedophobia.
No, I’m not talking crap. It’s a real phobia!
It’s a stretch but your boyfriend might just have it. You see, pedophobia is the fear of children. If he is terrified of kids, chances are he’s not going to want to have sex, because having sex can lead to having children.
Yes, I know there are things like protection in the form of condoms and spermicides, etc, but if he is paranoid about an unwanted pregnancy, he might completely avoid sexual activity altogether!
What to do if your boyfriend won’t sleep with you.
So now that we’ve covered all possible avenues as to why he’s not sleeping with you, here is some solid advice on how to fix the problem.
1) Talk it out.
Yes, it’s pretty obvious but it’s true. Communication is the key to any relationship.
So, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, you need to talk about it! If he loves you, he’ll listen to what you have to say and he’ll explain why he feels the way that he does.
Then, you can work together to resolve the issue.
2) Explore sexuality together.
Men are typically less aware of their own sexual desires than women are.
When he is ready to explore his sexuality with you, it’s time for him to get curious about himself. When he discovers your desire for him, he’ll understand it’s a sign of love and respect.
3) Explain why you’re upset.
Let’s say that you had a fight with your boyfriend, then later you discover that he hasn’t been sleeping with you because he doesn’t want to.
In this case, you’ll need to express your hurt feelings and explain how his lack of intimacy is affecting your relationship.
If he truly loves you, then he will understand that you feel disrespected by him.
4) Be willing to compromise.
Men are typically less willing to compromise than women are. In other words, they do not operate from a place of negotiation as easily as women do.
So, if you must, do the compromising for him. Give him some time and/or express that you’re willing to wait until he’s ready.
5) Acknowledge his needs.
Let’s say that your boyfriend is uncomfortable with his same-sex attraction. If he opens up to you about it, then it’s important for you to listen intently and not judge him for his feelings and desires.
If he’s willing to open up to you, then it’s time for him to find a therapist so his issues can be resolved.
6) Let go of your expectations.
If you continue pushing your man into a sexual relationship with you, then he might close off even more.
You need to respect his wishes and acknowledge that you will have to wait until he’s ready. Then, when he finally opens up to you, express how happy and grateful you are that he has opened up to you.
7) Be patient.
If he’s not ready to open up to you, then it’s time for you to be patient and wait until he’s willing to open up.
If you love him and are willing to help me with his problems, the best thing you can do is just sit back and be patient.
Hopefully, this list has enlightened you and helped you understand why your boyfriend won’t sleep with you.
Remember, we’re not all the same so don’t take offense and don’t jump to conclusions. Many problems can be resolved with a simple heart-to-heart.
If you both love each other, you’ll be able to overcome any obstacle that comes your way.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.