Paul Brian
Relationships can be so rewarding and deep, but they can also be painful and frustrating beyond belief.
Many things can go wrong between two people, but the most common is a lack of communication.
That’s why finding somebody who actually listens to you is so crucial to having a truly meaningful and lasting relationship.
Here’s why…
1) Communication is a two-way street
If you’ve been with a partner who didn’t listen much to you, then you know just how true this statement is and how important.
Communication goes both ways, and when you’re with somebody who doesn’t hear what you say it’s like talking to a wall.
It’s not only boring, there’s no real point to it.
No matter how much you listen to what your partner says, without them doing the same in return you might as well just be an intelligent home listening device like Alexa.
No offense if your name actually is Alexa, but you get the point.
2) Relationships are so much deeper when you can both listen
When both partners listen this paves the way for a much deeper emotional connection.
Trying to be in a relationship where only one person is truly listening is like trying to light a candle without a match.
The candle is there and ready, but there’s no way to light that wick without some source of flame!
If you find that you’re talking often and not being heard, your relationship is inevitably going to remain relatively shallow.
That’s just the cold hard truth.
3) Listening is the first step to caring and understanding
When you’re in a relationship with somebody who listens you are on the road to deeper intimacy and connection.
That’s because listening is the first step to truly caring about somebody and trying to understand them.
Granted, when you talk you run the risk of not being understood or even of saying the “wrong” thing.
But you take that step and you invite your partner to do the same.
4) Being in a relationship with someone who listens is interesting
The next big advantage of being in a relationship with somebody who listens is that it’s just plain more interesting.
Nobody wants to talk to a wall.
When you’re with somebody who actually cares and hears the words you say, you enjoy much more interesting interactions.
When it’s only your partner who’s being heard there’s limited potential.
They may be brilliant and fascinating, but unless you want to be a captive audience in a two-person room then it’s not going to be very engaging for you in the long run.
Much less loving…
5) It’s very hard to compromise without two-way communication
There are far too many relationships where only one person is listening.
You’ll find it’s much better being in a relationship with somebody who actually listens because your contributions and ideas are actually heard.
This is good at the deeper level but also in a more pragmatic sense:
Making plans or discussing basics is much better when you’re being heard.
Otherwise you’re simply being dictated to by your partner and your perspective is being ignored.
This is no way to plan anything, much less reach any necessary compromise that sometimes is required.
And it’s certainly not love.
6) You need to show who you really are to be loved for who you really are
Without being heard you can never really reach a deep level of love and commitment in your relationship.
If you self-censor what you say or are only rarely heard by your partner, it’s fair to say that your partner only ever sees and relates to you in a limited way.
No matter how much they think they love you, without truly hearing you out there’s only a limited amount they can really relate to you and love you in a whole sense.
This is why you have to speak your truth and speak your whole mind and heart if you ever want to be really loved for your whole mind and whole heart.
It’s really that simple.
7) Talking is about far more than just words
Ironically, one of the biggest advantages of being in a relationship with someone who listens is because it gives you the chance to truly be silent.
Sometimes the most meaningful words of all don’t need to be spoken.
Sometimes your love is expressed most clearly when you say nothing at all.
But in order to reach this deep level of connection and love in a relationship, you need to first know that you are heard, that you are valued and that you are seen.
This requires your partner to listen.
Reaching a place of deep trust and intimacy is about far more than just being able to sit and watch a movie with your partner.
It’s knowing that if you don’t want to talk you don’t have to, because you’re already fully heard.
8) You can let go of insecurities when you’re truly heard
Being truly heard by someone you love is a great blessing.
It gives you a boost like almost nothing else.
Even if your partner doesn’t agree with you about everything or see everything the same way, knowing that your voice and thoughts are important to the person you love is intensely validating.
You are able to begin to let go of your insecurities and speak them out loud without such a fear of judgment.
Far too many of us have been burned in love by a partner who didn’t listen and made us feel hesitant to express who we really are for fear of judgment.
But the fact is that the one who truly loves us won’t stop when we admit some of our issues and insecurities.
That’s the thing about being truly heard: there’s really no way to lose, because the kind of person who makes you feel worse about your insecurities and challenges is not the one who will be a loving partner for you.
9) The heart sings its own song
A truly loving and meaningful relationship is about hearing each other.
Firstly, you can’t love someone who you can’t really hear.
You may love their image or their energy or even the way they treat you.
But until you hear the song of somebody’s heart how can you truly love them?
That’s why being in a relationship with somebody who listens is so meaningful and necessary to true love and intimacy that transcends the quotidian, pedestrian hubbub that passes for “romance” these days.
Classic love stories like Tristan and Isolde show a love that transcends all bounds and extends into eternity, forged by the pressure and tragedy of circumstance.
Even if you’re not there yet, a deep love requires listening to the song of your partner’s heart, hopefully with a happier ending!
Can you hear me?
It’s crucial to have a relationship with somebody who actually listens to you and cares what you say.
At the same time, it’s vital that you do self-reflection and think about this idea of not being heard.
There is an experience of being ignored and taken for granted, but there can also be a fixation on being heard and given attention that goes over the top.
Feeling like you’re not heard enough or deserve more attention can become an obsession.
As the German band Rammstein sing in their 2001 single “Ich Will” (“I Want”) about the trap of being famous and given a lot of attention they feel alienated from:
“Can you hear me?
(We hear you!)
Can you see me?
(We see you!)
Can you feel me?
(We feel you!)
…I don’t understand you!”
Relationships that work fall somewhere in the middle:
Your partner cares what you say and listens, but he or she doesn’t worship you or hang on your every word!
You’re not taken for granted, but you also do your share of listening right back in return!
