Felicity Frankish
“Where have all the good men gone?”
Do you find yourself asking this question day in and day out?
No matter where you look, all the good men are taking, and all that’s left is…
Slim pickings to say the very least.
You’ve had your fair share of relationships in the past. Some of them even seemed to have potential. But they always end up fizzling out over time.
In the back of your head, you know you could do better.
So, why is it so hard to find someone?
Here are 9 reasons modern dating makes it so hard to meet some.
9 reasons modern dating makes it so hard to meet someone
1) Hook up culture is prevalent
Sure, everyone is raving about the ease with which we can connect in this modern-day and age.
But, it comes with its downside as well.
Thanks to the plethora of dating apps that you can simply download and ‘swipe left’ on, the need to acting date someone has gone out the window.
Looking for a hook-up, jump on the app.
After a one-night stand, jump on the app.
Looking for a short fling, jump on the app.
After a long-term relationship? Well, you’re much more unlikely to find that here. Sorry!
Long gone are the days of wooing a woman over dinner and a nice night all. All men have to do is swipe their fingertips to get what they want.
So, while we might all appear more connected than ever, that intimate personal connection of getting to know someone through dating has definitely escaped down the drain.
In this case, it’s not you, it’s technology.
2) You’re on the wrong apps
While we discovered above that technology isn’t working in your favour thanks to all the dating apps out there, it could also be that you’re on the wrong apps.
We all know the reputation Tinder has. It’s about how many people you can connect with and nothing to do with the quality of those connections.
There are apps out there that acter to the serious daters. So, how can you tell them apart? Dating sites like eHarmony require men to pay to contact the women. In other words, they have to show a degree of commitment first, so you’re more likely to find a quality relationship.
It helps to do your research and weed out the apps that let me make multiple conquests at the touch of a button, and instead cater towards those more serious relationship.
3) There’s a lot of emotional baggage
The hook-up culture also comes with a high number of conquests.
It’s so easy to jump from relationship to relationship in the online world, which means your past relationships (and his) build up over time.
Many relationships fizzle out without any resolve. You’re left with more questions than ever:
- Why did he stop talking to me?
- What did I say?
- Was it something I did?
- Am I the problem?
Traditional relationships run their course in a much slower manner, giving you time to process things and put unresolved feelings to bed.
These days, there is no resolution, and each relationship is bringing more and more baggage with it, no matter how short-term or fleeting the relationship is.
And naturally, both parties bring all this baggage with them into any new relationship. Which makes it even more difficult to settle into a new relationship.
4) We’re a lot more selfish
Thanks to technology we can get what we want with the click of a button…relationships including.
This is all well and good, but it means that people are forgetting how to compromise in relationships. After all, when they can go back to the drawing board with the press of a button, why would they waste their time?
Makes sense.
But also makes dating much harder.
In the past, you would spend the time getting to know each other and be more willing to compromise on the smaller details. That’s how relationships work.
You move past the biting of the nails in light of all their other amazing qualities.
You give up your addiction to the Playstation because she means the world to you.
You have a little more give and take to make the relationship last.
Sadly, not anymore.
These days we are less willing to overlook the little things in the view that there are plenty of more fish in the apps.
And let’s face it, there really are.
This comes from both sides of the relationship. As they say, it takes two to tango.
5) You’re too independent
Doesn’t make sense, right.
You have been raised from day dot to be a strong and independent woman, and now that you are, the men almost seem to be afraid of it.
Turns out, there are a lot of insecure men out there, who still prefer women who are agreeable and much less ‘challenging’.
Men are simply accustomed to being the strong ones in the relationship, and they feel threatened by a woman who holds her own.
When they say, “It’s not you, it’s him” they are absolutely correct. Unfortunately, there is no solution to this problem.
You don’t want to change who you are for a man. In fact, you should be proud of how strong and independent you are, you shouldn’t want to hide it.
It’s simply a matter of waiting it out to find a guy who isn’t threatened by you but instead awed by your strength. That’s a true soulmate.
6) They’re already taken
With so many different ways to meet people these days, it’s easy to see how all the good fish in the sea get snapped up early on.
People are connecting more than ever from younger and younger ages.
Once upon a time, the only way to meet someone was to get out there (to a bar or club) and get to know them.
While dating websites existed, they were very taboo. The understanding was that only “older” people who desperately wanted to meet their future life partner went on there.
In modern times, dating apps and websites are no longer taboo.
It’s the opposite, they are the norm.
Now that it’s so easy to meet people, the good guys are getting snapped up straight away.
If you feel like they’re no more good guys left, it could be simply because there aren’t!
You have to be proactive when it comes to dating these days, and stand out from the crowd. It’s not as simple as walking over and saying “Hi”.
You have to think about your profile, what pictures you put up, how you describe yourself and more. A guy knows much more about you already by the time you actually chat for the first time. It’s all about first impressions that are formed much before that first chat.
If you want to stand out and catch one of the good fish, make sure you set up the best first impressions possible. Reel him in.
7) You’re too desperate
Date after date and guy after guy can wear you out.
And when you see all your friends settling down, getting married, and having kids, it can make you feel a little rushed to do the same.
Unfortunately, us women have a biological clock we are racing against.
Men have a little more luxury in that department.
This means that coming off too strong and desperate to start a family can be a very big turn-off to a guy.
He has nothing but time and options, so is more likely to find someone who doesn’t come across as desperate and ready to be married yesterday. This is a sure way to turn any guy off.
Of course, you can’t help how you feel.
Just try and keep it to yourself and don’t come across as too eager at the beginning of a relationship. Give yourself time to get to know each other before you start talking about plans for the future.
8) You aren’t getting out there
We’ve worked out the apps aren’t always the right approach, so what proactive measures are you taking to find Mr. Right?
Sitting on your couch and moping about it definitely doesn’t count.
Dating apps are very competitive and full of commitment-phobes, so it’s probably time to jump off the apps, get out from behind the screen and get out there to meet someone the old-fashioned way.
Modern dating isn’t just apps, no matter what others might have you think. While there are less people meeting out and about, it still happens. You just have to put yourself out there. Here are some ways you can do that:
- Be open to meeting friends of friends. Attending a friend event is the perfect way to meet someone, you just have to be open to the possibility. Think birthdays, weddings, engagement parties. Any social event is potential.
- Pick up a hobby. What better way to meet a guy than doing something you both love together. Painting, music, reading… there are so many hobbies you can pick up these days, just be true to yourself and find something you love to help you meet someone like-minded.
- Get social. Try saying yes to any social event you get invited to. Whether it’s for work, friends, charity, you name it. The key is to go in with an open mind.
9) You’re too picky
Another thing that comes with strong, independent women… the idea that they deserve the perfect.
Of course, you do, but perfect doesn’t actually exist.
But, perfect for you do.
Often, because we are so busy striving for perfect, we tend to miss someone who is perfect for us.
Standards are good, but striving for perfection isn’t.
That means overlooking the smaller things that you can learn to live. Let’s face it, you’re also far from perfect. And there’s nothing wrong with this! It’s our imperfections that make life so interesting.
So, don’t dismiss someone based on a slight imperfection. It’s time to ask yourself whether this really is a problem, or if you’re just being a little picky.
Now you know why modern dating is so hard, what’s the solution? How can you go about finding someone to date and have a relationship with?
Here are 5 tips to help you jump into that next relationship.
5 tips to find someone to date
1) Focus on you
Before you go out on the hunt for Mr. Right, work on yourself first.
How can you expect someone to love you when you don’t love yourself?
Spend a little time working out who you are, what you love, and what you want out of life.
Relationships are based on shared values. If you don’t know what your values are, you will find it hard to connect with someone else and their values.
By spending some quality time working on you, it’s also an opportunity to gain confidence which will shine through when it comes to finding a man.
2) Pick up some hobbies
As we mentioned above, getting out there is one of the best ways to find a guy in this modern world. We have placed far too much focus on dating apps, that the good, old-fashioned dating has gone out the window.
But, the truth is, it still exists. You just have to get out there are find it.
It’s time to tear yourself off the couch, put away the devices and go and mingle.
After you’ve spent time working on yourself, it should be easy to choose some hobbies you love.
There is plenty for you to try! You can pick up a sport, find some social events, do an art class, or do anything else that you know you will enjoy.
If it’s an activity that you enjoy and you meet a man there, you already know you have something in common.
This is a great place to start!
3) Make a list
Compromise is now more important than ever in relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for anyone. Work out what is important to you in a man and then work out what is give or take.
It can help to make a list.
Write down your “must” qualities you want in a man.
Now write down your “negotiable” qualities you want in a man.
Every time you enter a new relationship, have this list handy. It will stop you from striving for perfection and help you find that guy who is perfect for you.
4) Do your research
Modern dating isn’t easy, so do some research.
There are so many different apps out there, it’s up to you to sift through them all and find the ones that actually work for you and what you’re looking for.
At the same time, do a little research for local events, sports, and other hobbies you can take up in your area. It’s time to get yourself out there.
And while you’re at it, research how men work in relationships.
This will greatly improve your chances of not only finding a great man but keeping him.
5) Keep going
Relationships take hard work and lots of getting out there and giving it a go.
After one too many failed relationships, it can be easy to want to throw the towel in and never date again.
But, you’re looking for someone special. Which means you should keep on looking. All this time in the field will be worth it in the end.
Being raised to be strong and independent, means you know that you don’t need a man in your life to get by.
Instead, it should teach you that you want a man in your life. And that’s a huge difference.
We have to work hard for the things we want in life, and finding a man should be no different. You really do get out what you put in, some people just get lucky early on, while others are in it for the long haul.
