Amy Reed
Being alone is a good thing. It teaches you independence and self-awareness. But you can always have too much of a good thing.
Sadly, the smarter you are, the more likely you are to be alone in your life and feel lonely because of it.
Why? Psychology helps us explain, with these 9 reasons why highly intelligent people are usually lonely.
Up first:
1) You feel misunderstood by your peers
Feeling misunderstood by the people around you is a common factor in smart peopleโs lives. Why? Because the smarter you are, the harder it can be to build genuine connections with others.
You see and understand the world differently, so itโs hard to find someone who truly gets you โ and you get them in return!
This is especially true when it comes to people your own age. When your maturity levels are so much higher than everyone elseโs, you struggle.
In honesty, so do they! They struggle to get you, too.
Itโs why you only really connect with people who are older than you or live somewhere different. And why you feel quite lonely most of the timeโฆ
2) You feel โdifferentโ from most people
And itโs because you ARE different! An average IQ is around 100 points. An intelligent person has around 130 points or above.
The majority of the population (98%) has an IQ below 130. That means only 2% of people in the world share the same IQ as you!
When you look at it this way, it makes sense why you feel so different โ because you are! You struggle to feel included in your community because your community sees things differently to you.
Even though you may have good friends, you know they donโt think the way you do. Itโs that feeling that makes your loneliness pang from time to timeโฆ
3) Youโre hyper-aware of your flaws
Emotional intelligence and IQ intelligence donโt always go hand in hand. You can be book smart and not street smart at all!
But generally, they do go hand in hand. Which means you, as an individual, understand yourself more than anyone. You know exactly who you are and why you do certain things.
Thereโs a lot of positives to this. It makes it easier to handle conflict, reflect on your behavior, genuinely apologize to people you hurt, and follow your dreams.
But it also makes you hyper-aware of your flaws โ and itโs this kind of self-awareness that can cause anxiety, insecurity, and just a ton of self-doubt.
Socializing can be hard for you because of this. You know what youโre doing and saying wrong, so you get nervous or overly anxious during and after the event.
These worries and insecurities, especially when it comes to socializing with others, can make you feel pretty lonelyโฆ
4) You can be intimidating to some people
It isnโt your fault, but some people find your intelligence intimidating. Even when you try to make friends, people simply donโt want to be friends with you.
You might find it easy to understand them and feel included in their company. But they arenโt so secure in YOUR company. Your knowledge is a threat to them, and they donโt understand you at all. In fact, they feel intimidated by you!
When someone feels this way about you, they might not be very kind. They might be rude, undermining, patronizing, or just downright mean.
Iโm a firm believer that if people donโt like you, they arenโt your people โ and your crowd is out there somewhere!
But with only 2% of the population sharing your level of IQ, it can be really hard to find your crowd. Which also means, it can be really, really hard to make friendsโฆ
5) You find it hard to trust others
People are capable of all kinds of nasty things, like manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, cruelty, the list goes onโฆ
Of course, theyโre also capable of really great, loving, caring, kind, and thoughtful things! But itโs human nature to focus on the bad, isnโt it?
Research suggests this is an evolutionary response. We need to remember the bad that happens to us and others so we can avoid it in the future and stay alive.
In the modern world, we remember the negative things to protect ourselves from the biggest form of harm we know โ emotional pain.
Unfortunately, in a world where the news is at our fingertips, this can lead to trust issues that get severely out of hand โ especially when youโre smart and have high emotional intelligence.
Reading something bad that happened to a complete stranger can create a fear that itโll happen to YOU, too.
Plus, because you understand people, you understand what causes someone to snap out of control and act cruelly. Which leads you to an inevitable lack of trust in the good in othersโฆ
6) You donโt enjoy gossiping
Everyone loves to gossip, right? In general, yes. But when you have a high IQ and a mature mind, no, not really.
Thereโs a great saying that goes something like: โSmall minds discuss people, great minds discuss ideasโ. Which basically alludes to: smart people donโt gossip!
Yet gossiping is an easy way to connect with others and make friends.
At work, school, or college, talking about other people is a common occurrence. When you get involved in the chitter-chatter, you have something to talk to other people about. It can help you make friends and connect with people.
When you donโt get involved or even want to, itโs a lot harder. Some people wonโt know what to say to you if they know you donโt gossip. They may even think youโre โstuck upโ or โboringโ because you donโt want to discuss other peopleโs livesโฆ
7) You donโt need external validation
Smart people tend to be very good at self-regulation. A study on children evidenced that the higher your IQ is, even as a child, the easier it is to self-motivate and manage your emotions.
So smart people donโt โneedโ others all that often. Rarely would they ever open up to a friend about a troubling situation or a big decision. Why? Because they can make the decision themselves โ without validation from others.
This is a great thing for you sometimes, but not always. It isnโt so good for the people around you, either. When you donโt open up to people, they might not feel like they really know you. YOU might not feel like they really know you, either.
Itโs why you might feel disconnected from people sometimes. You donโt think you need to talk to them about your life, so you donโt. But because of this, you miss out on forming genuine emotional connections with the people in your life.
8) You prefer time alone
Itโs true that intelligent people tend to prefer their own company. Two main reasons exist for this.
Firstly, like we said above, they donโt need validation from others. Theyโre happy to do things by themselves and they donโt need someone supporting them to do it.
Secondly, because their mind is so โswitched onโ, they can stay in there for hours. They donโt need another person to talk to for entertainment. Their own brain is the entertainment!
Doing things alone all the time is usually nice for them. Yet sometimes, they realize that itโd be nice to have a bit of company.
But they only realize this when theyโre already out by themselves, when itโs too late to find someone to accompany them. And that makes them feel quite lonelyโฆ
9) You have โunusualโ hobbies and interests
No hobby is โunusualโ. It might just be a little uncommon, especially for who you are! Like if youโre quite young, it might be rare to find someone your age who likes going to book clubs, birdwatching, or growing vegetables at home.
Thereโs nothing wrong with these hobbies, of course. They might just be less common!
But even so, when you donโt have friends or anyone in your life who shares your interests, it can feel quite lonely.
Even though you might want company birdwatching at the park, no one wants to join you. So you have no choice but to go by yourself and feel a little down about itโฆ
Final thoughts
Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. The more you know, the less it can serve you. Itโs why smart people often feel the pang of loneliness more than others do!
But even so, there are a lot of benefits to being the way you are. Youโre you, and thereโs so much good about that.
Besides, like I mentioned earlier, I really do believe that there are always people like you who are out there!
If there isnโt anyone in your school or current friendship group who likes comic books, that doesnโt mean no one in the world likes comic books. The same goes for any of your hobbies and interests.
You just havenโt found your people yet, and you might need to start putting yourself out there more to find them!
