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12 brutal reasons guys don’t approach you (and what to do about it)

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You put on your favorite outfit and get ready for a wild night at the club with your friends.

You’re already looking forward to all the guys you’re going to flirt with.

But as the night goes on, your excitement fades with it. There’s no one coming up to you, even just to buy you a drink.

It’s a heartbreaking scene that no one wants to experience. It’s possible the crowd just wasn’t for you.

But it’s also possible that you’re doing something that actually repels others – without you realizing it.

To make sure, here are 12 reasons why guys aren’t approaching you.

1. You’re Glued to Your Phone

While everyone’s hitting the dance floor and getting their groove on, where are you?

Sitting at the table, scrolling through your phone, texting your friends while the party is happening right in front of you screams “Antisocial” to other guys.

That’s why leave your phone in your bag, and enjoy the party. You’re already at an exciting venue.

There’s no need to look through social media in search of some interesting selfie or funny meme.

This is the time to disconnect and have fun.

You have a higher chance of meeting someone when they’re all already right there.

2. You’re Constantly with Your Friends

There’s nothing wrong with getting a table with your group of friends, ordering bottle after bottle, taking shot after shot.

That’s what these nights are about.

But if you want to meet someone, you won’t meet anyone while you’re tucked away in the crowd of your friends.

This makes it difficult for men to approach you.

What men are looking for is to catch you alone somewhere. Try hanging out at another table or at the bar.

Pretend you’re waiting for a drink or waiting for your friend.

When a guy sees that you’re alone, it’s very likely that a confident enough one will walk up to you and ask if to buy you a drink.

3. You’re Always with Other Guys

Again, there’s nothing wrong with having a good time with your friends.

But there’s certainly a problem if you’re always with your friends.

If you’re constantly with your other guy friends especially, all the other guys might mistake you for being taken already.

So when you’re going out with your guy friends, try not to stand too close to them often.

Better yet, try being each other’s wingman, finding a partner for each of you.

4. You Aren’t Socializing with Others

While giving men a chance to catch you alone is important, sometimes it might not be enough.

If you’re sitting somewhere way in the back of the venue, alone with your drink, away from the crowd, just observing everything, it might make you less attractive to some men.

Others might see you as a strange guest that no one should dare bother.

Someone might also think that you’re already waiting for someone, so they won’t even try to go up to you.

They’d rather approach the ones that are already mingling around, showing enthusiasm and energy.

When you’re out of a function, the point is to meet people.

Sometimes, you can’t just wait until someone approaches you; you might have to take the initiative to meet other people first.

5. You’re Acting Too Tipsy

Alcohol can definitely make a night extra fun, but try not to look like you’re having too much fun. Being too tipsy can be a turn-off, especially for the more sophisticated guys (if that’s what you’re looking for).

While it might sound like a good idea to get up on the table to dance or smash a few glasses, it might not look very classy.

So go a little easy on the alcohol. You can have enough where you feel the buzz, but not too much that you begin slurring your speech – or worse, throwing up.

6. You Look Busy

Say you’re at a classier venue, where the guests wear more formal attire and they serve wine.

The people who usually attend these types of functions might be quite busy on other days, such as yourself, but this is the time for them to relax a little. You should too.

If you’re off at your table, scrunching your eyebrows, doing mental gymnastics about when to schedule your next meeting, how to complete those reports due soon, and who to assign in the next project, you might not be projecting the most welcoming demeanor.

It might make others not want to bother you – which is about the exact opposite of what you want to happen.

7. You Aren’t Dressed to Attract

While it’s important to wear what you’re comfortable with and what makes you feel good, it’s also important to consider how it actually looks.

While you may believe that people should never judge a book by it’s cover, not everyone will agree with that.

As humans, we naturally rely on visual cues to inform us whether the approaching person isn’t some kind of outsider or that they’re serious about finding someone to go home with.

If you’re dressed in ill-fitting clothes, wearing worn out shoes, or haven’t tidied up your hair, it’s likely lowering your chances of anyone approaching you.

8. You Act as if Everyone’s Out of Your League

What we wear can influence minds and behavior.

If you’re wearing your best outfit, with some of your best jewelry, it’s easy to fall into thinking that you’re something like the main character of the whole place.

You might start raising your chin a little higher, rolling your eyes at others, judging them for not dressing as glamorous as you.

But this might cause you to have what some may call a resting bitch face. And some guys may not want to approach you because of that.

If that’s the case, try to get your friend to call you out when you do it to help you stop.

9. He Saw You Being Rude

While the event was happening, a waiter might have accidentally bumped into you.

You may have scolded them a little more than they really deserved but it was purely out of stress and frustration.

But in any case, other people might have seen you. This definitely is not a good look for you.

This is why it’s always important to be polite and respectful with everyone you meet. You never know; someone might notice you and be instantly attracted.

10. Your Eye Contact is Weak

The eyes are powerful for sending even the most subtle messages when you’re not within hearing distance.

Maybe you’re at a table with your friends when you notice that this guy sitting across from you keeps glancing your way.

You notice he did it when you arrived but didn’t think much of it.

But as the night went on, you kept noticing that he keeps looking your way.

Making consistent eye contact across the room can already be a way to spark up a conversation.

Eye contact could even be considered flirting if he pairs it with a slow-building smile.

But you might not notice it if you keep looking away out of fear or being shy.

If you keep looking away, that tells him you aren’t interested in him – even though you might be. So the next time someone interests you, try to keep eye contact.

11. Your Behavior Suggests You Want to Leave

Maybe the night hasn’t been very eventful for you.

No guys whisked you away or bought you a drink, so you look sullen in the corner.

You look around, drowsy-eyed, uninterested in everything you see.

You pull out your phone and you rest your head on one of your hands while you wait for your friends to come back from goodness knows where.

You aren’t exactly making a strong impact on the guys that are still there if you start looking like you’re bored.

The problem with this is that it is self-sustaining: the longer the night goes on, the more bored you look, the less guys approach you.

12. They’re Intimidated By Your Looks

It’s also possible that you are much more stunning and beautiful that the men at the venue can handle.

In fact, many guys might approach you – well, they might try to approach you. They stutter and look anxious, but can’t hold a conversation.

When this happens, it might be best for you to find a different venue where the men are confident enough to approach you.

You might have better odds at a more sophisticated place.

Making Good First Impressions: 3 Tips

Getting a guy to approach you is just half the battle.

The other half is making a good enough impression on him to keep him there.

Try not to shut him down as fast as possible. Be curious. Stay energetic.

You’re playing the classic game of seduction here, so lightly tease him a bit too.

Ask what he does or what he’s doing at a place like this.

Often, guys will feel the responsibility to carry the conversation anyway, you just need to not give single-word answer.

If all goes well, you might be waking up in someone else’s bed in the morning.

Now if you want guys to approach you and ask you out, here are some tips to implement:

1) Think body language

You need to display open and welcoming body language if you want guys to approach you.

If you don’t want to ask him with actual language, ask him with body language. The way you move, sit, and stand are all vital means of communication.

You know how if you’re chatting to someone you like (or even on a date with them) and you get that weird feeling that they’re definitely not that into you?

That’s down to body language.

Even if you’re not conscious of anything specific, that vibe you get that they can’t wait to be anywhere else is all because of body language. And it works the other way around too.

To show your guy that you’re interested and want them to ask you out, make sure you look at him and keep eye contact (don’t stare, but maybe use just a little more eye contact than you’re comfortable with).

You might think that looking away or at your shoes is being cute and coy. He’ll just think you want to get away from him. Angle yourself towards him, keeping your arms away from your chest and your feet pointed towards him.

Crossing your arms across your body and your feet pointed away from his body looks defensive.

Finally, and this is the scary bit, touch him. Not in a creepy way but just brush his arm lightly when you go to pick up your drink, or if you stand up.

If he’s starting to think the same way as you, that little touch will make him think you might just be feeling the same. And that might be all he needs to ask you on a date.

2) Make him feel like a hero

If you want a guy to approach you and ask you out, then you need to tap into his primal instincts. Something he desperately needs. What is it?

For any guy to fall for a woman, he needs to feel like her provider and protector. He needs to feel genuinely admired. In other words, he needs to feel like your hero.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous. After all, you’re an independent woman. You don’t need a man to be your “hero” and rescue you! And look, I couldn’t agree more.

But the ironic truth is this:

Men still need to feel like a hero.

Because it’s built into their biology to seek out relationships that allow them to fulfill the role of being a provider and protector. Your man has a thirst for admiration and he wants to step up to the plate to protect you.

Therefore, if you can make him feel like a hero, it will unleash his protective instinct and he’ll have no choice but to ask you out.

Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of love and attraction.

And the kicker? He won’t ask you out if this thirst isn’t satisfied.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It was coined “the hero instinct” by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

In his latest free video, James reveals the phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can use to trigger his hero instinct.

And because no man can resist a woman who makes him feel like a hero, it’s worth learning a few of these emotional trigger points.

Here’s a link to his excellent free video again.

Top tip:

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed relationship with you.

The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make them feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, I think this is one of them.

That’s why I recommend watching this free online video where you can learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your guy.

3) Be confident

We all know confidence is attractive. Everyone tells you this.

But when you’re desperate for your perfect guy to ask you on the perfect date? You’re full of self-doubt and finding it really hard to feel confident.

If you don’t feel confident, act it. If you appear confident, your guy will think you’re the kind of person who’ll be fun on a date, with lots of good stories to tell.

You’ll be the person who’s willing to head out on an adventure rather than spending the night in front of the TV. Confident people are fun, together, and successful.

You don’t have to have a glittering career or a white-water rafting hobby to be considered confident.

A few simple changes to the way you think and talk about yourself will make you feel confident instantly.

  1. Stand tall. Confident people aren’t afraid to fill a bit of space. If you’re always slouched, you look like you’re trying to shrink or like you don’t really deserve to be where you are.
  2. Stop worrying about what he thinks. If he doesn’t end up asking you on a date? So what, there are lots of others out there. Have the confidence to make it clear you like him, without worrying about whether he does or not.
  3. Speak clearly. Own your words. Stop caring about whether he likes your stories or not. Tell them anyway and let things happen naturally.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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