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9 honest reasons you should never force anyone to talk to you

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There are few things more frustrating than having a loved one who doesn’t want to talk to you right now.

If you’re the type of person who is used to actively fixing problems and finding solutions right away, you won’t understand why this person just won’t come out and have a heart-to-heart with you.

But here’s the thing: no matter what happened, if a person isn’t ready to talk to you yet, then you shouldn’t force them.

Forcing your will on another person never leads to a happy ending, and the last thing you want to do is hurt this relationship even more.

Here are 9 clear reasons why you should never force anyone to talk to you when they aren’t ready:

1) You Don’t Know What They’re Going Through

The first reason you should never force anyone to talk to you when they aren’t ready is this: you have absolutely no idea what they’re going through.

Even if you’ve known and loved that person for years, you still don’t know what mental and emotional state they might be in.

As much as it might pain you to admit, the moment they try to cut themselves out of your life, you don’t know them anymore.

So don’t pretend to know what’s best for them.

A confrontation might be what you need, but that doesn’t mean it’s what they need.

We all process feelings and experiences at our own pace, and if they believe they need weeks or months more before they can talk to you, then that’s the kind of space you need to give them.

It doesn’t help anyone at all to impose your standards on another person.

2) You Will Only End Up Hurting Both People

No good ever comes out of forced confrontations.

If a person is avoiding talking to you, then they have a good reason to avoid talking to you.

They don’t need a dozen good reasons why they don’t want to talk to you; the only reason they need is they don’t want it.

And that’s something you need to accept.

Forcing it to happen will only hurt both of you.

It will hurt you because you won’t get the solution you so desperately need; they’ll just go back to avoiding you immediately after your talk.

And it will hurt them because they’ll realize just how little you care for them and their wishes, choosing instead to selfishly force your desires over theirs.

3) You Need To Learn That You Can’t Force Certain Things

You might be the type of person who has always fixed everything around them.

Maybe you learned to be self-sufficient because that’s just what the world has always demanded of you.

So seeing your relationship with this person disintegrate to the point that they refuse to talk to you can be one of the most frustrating things in the world.

The only thing you want to do is fix it right now, no matter the costs.

But this is something you need to learn: you can’t fix everything, and you can’t force things to be the way you want them to be.

Not everything is under your control, and forcing someone to feel a certain way will just push them away from you for good.

The relationship isn’t broken; it’s just not yours anymore.

4) It Can Be Considered Emotional Abuse

Forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do?

Making them feel things they aren’t ready to feel, all against their will no matter how much they struggle?

That’s not being brave or strong. That’s just emotional abuse, and the more you do it, the more you guarantee their hatred towards you.

You don’t know what they’re feeling.

Even if you logically understand their emotions, you don’t really know what they’re feeling.

If someone tells you they’re not ready or they can’t handle it yet, then they’re not ready and they can’t handle it yet.

Forcing that confrontation is emotional abuse because you’re assuming that they’re in the right place to deal with it.

5) The Goal Is No Longer Happiness

At the end of the day, your goal when interacting with someone you once loved should be happiness.

Happiness for you, and happiness for your ex-lover, your ex-friend, or whatever they once were to you.

So when you want to force them into a confrontation that they aren’t ready to experience, are you thinking about their happiness at all?

And with all this forcing, are you sure you would be happy at the end of this?

Let it go. You’re wrapped up in the heat of your own feelings. You aren’t making them or yourself happy. This is misery that you are choosing to continue feeling. Let that misery go.

6) You’re Wasting Your Time

Time is the most precious resource we have, whether we realize it or not.

Time is literally your life: who you are, what you achieve and accomplish, and what you experience is all determined by how you spend your time every single day.

And the more time you spend wasting on someone who wants nothing to do with you, the less time you have to spend on yourself on moving on with your life.

So stop wasting your time. Take a deep breath and accept your reality.

You might be feeling that you want to save the relationship because of all the time you’ve already invested in that person, but that’s just a sunk-cost fallacy: that time is gone, and it will never come back again.

It’s long overdue for you to start spending your time on yourself once again.

7) Conversations Shouldn’t Be So Difficult

You’ve been trying and trying and trying to have a normal, calm conversation with this person for ages, but for some reason, it just isn’t happening.

Maybe it’s time to step back and remember what conversations are supposed to be like.

Maybe it’s time to realize — you’re forcing it too much, which is why it’s become so impossibly difficult.

Try to remember your first conversations with this person.

How easy it was talking to them, how natural that communication used to be.

That’s what conversations should be like — something both parties want to do, something with a healthy back and forth, without any baggage weighing it down.

If the conversation still doesn’t feel like it should happen for both sides, then maybe it really shouldn’t happen.

Don’t force something that isn’t supposed to be just yet.

8) It Will Only Lead to Long-Term Resentment

Let’s say you do eventually force someone (who clearly doesn’t want to talk to you) to talk to you.

Now what?

Neither of you will really be in the right position or mindset to have a healthy, productive conversation.

The only thing that will happen is confusion and resentment.

The person you forced will just resent you until the day they forget you ever existed.

No one wants to be forced to do something they don’t want to do, especially when it comes to confronting issues they might not be ready to confront.

Making them go against every natural instinct just so that they can talk to you and fulfill your needs is a selfish move that will turn them against you for life.

9) You Deserve Someone Who Wants You

We all deserve love, and love is supposed to go both ways: giving and receiving it with your partner. If your partner — or ex-partner — really doesn’t want to talk with you, then they don’t want you.

That can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially if you feel like you’ve been shut out completely with little to no explanation.

But the worst thing you can do for yourself is stand outside the door and keep begging for someone who only wants you to go away.

You might feel like you’re just doing what’s right — fighting for a relationship worth fighting for — but at the end of the day, you’re also making yourself look and feel like a fool.

Sometimes you have to get to a point where you cut your losses and start something new.

You deserve love; don’t make yourself feel like you have to beg for it.

If You Truly Love Them, Let Them Go

It can be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to accept, but sometimes it’s the only thing you can do.

When a person you deeply love wants nothing to do with you, no amount of fixing can bring that relationship back to life.

The end of the relationship came for them long before it came for you, but why should they be forced to sit around and stay until you’re ready to admit that it’s over?

The only thing you can do is move on.

As the old saying goes, if you love someone, let them go; and if you weren’t meant to be together, they’ll come back to you.

Do what’s best for you and the person you wish you could talk to once again — respect their wishes and their needs.

Accept that the answer to their problems might not be you anymore.

Putting yourself first

Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.

What’s your number one goal at the moment?

Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?

To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?

Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?

Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.

And even then…plans fail.

But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…

No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.

I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.

Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.

She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.

Click here to find out more about Life Journal.

So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.

How much do you want it?

Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?

If so, check out the workshop here.

If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!

All the best,
Lachlan

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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