Amy Reed
I’m not judging you for wanting to send that text!
I’ve done it many (many, many, many) times before.
But honestly, I’ve always regretted it.
I’ve never gained anything from it.
I sometimes lost a lot from it though. Mostly my own pride…
If you’re about to text your ex, just stop for one second (please?).
Save yourself the heartache and ask yourself these 11 questions first!
1) “What will texting them achieve?”
First things first: why, friend, why! Why do you want to text your ex right now?
What’s the reason? What will it achieve?
Are you just bored?
Think about it – seriously think about it – and get back to me.
Because if you don’t have a reason (or a good reason!), you’re just setting yourself up for even more unnecessary heartbreak.
2) “What do you actually want to say?”
Is there something you actually want to tell your ex?
Is there something you could say that will change everything?
Or is there something you want to get off your chest?
If there’s something to say that might change everything, go ahead and say it if that’s what you really want!
But if you just want to send a paragraph or pick a fight, it isn’t a good idea.
Talking to a friend or writing the text out in your Notes app (and never sending it) will probably feel just as good. If not better…
3) “Has it already been said before?”
OK, so you want to tell them you miss them.
But do they already know that?
Have you told them that a million times before?
Or you want to tell them how hurt you are.
But do they already know? Are you just reopening old wounds for the sake of it?
Closure is a bit of a farce, to be honest with you. I know people say you should talk things out to get closure, but the reality is usually that closure never comes!
You have to make your own peace with things and move on.
If you’ve already said what you want to say, saying it again will only delay your healing process.
4) “What do you think they’ll say back?”
How is this text realistically going to go down?
Are they just going to say, “OK” or “Thanks for sharing”?
Are they going to be rude and start a fight? Are you HOPING it starts a fight?
I think it’s safe to say that neither outcome is good.
So just ask yourself this:
Don’t you have better things to do right now than start a fight with them?
Do you really want to hear them break your heart all over again when they say what you already know? (i.e., it’s over).
5) “How will their reply make you feel?”
What if they reject you all over again? What if they make you feel crappy or unwanted?
Is it just going to break your heart and set you 10 steps back again?
Do you really need that energy in your life right now?
Or do you need to give yourself a break? (I think so).
Think about what they’re likely to say and how that’s really going to make you feel…
6) “What happens if they ghost you?”
Picture this for a second. You send the message while they’re online. Hours go by and they don’t open it. They come back online and nothing, again and again and again…
That blue tick never EVER appears.
How will you feel about that?
How will you feel if they read it and still say nothing back?
You’ll always have the last, unanswered message in the chat.
They’ll always see that message from you and remember that they had the last laugh.
Do you really want to give them the power to do that to you?
7) “Do you want to get back together?”
OK, so this is probably a good reason to text your ex!
If you really (and I mean REALLY!) want to get back together, texting them might be the best thing you ever did.
Just consider this before hitting send:
- Do you think they want to get back together with you? (seriously)
- Is getting back together a good idea or just what’s comfortable? (super seriously!)
- Do you miss them or do you just miss having someone? (sorry not sorry!)
If you know 1) they don’t want to speak to you, 2) they’re bad for you, or 3) you’re just lonely, then you probably don’t really want to get back together.
8) “How much pride do you have in yourself?”
Ouch! I’m sorry, but someone has to give you the harsh truth here!
When a relationship ends, the self-respecting thing to do is to move on and never speak to each other ever again.
I know you’re hurting right now and you don’t really care about your pride.
But tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, you will care.
You’ll cringe at what you did and said.
I know I did some things during my breakup that I cringe at now!
Granted, it helped me get over them quicker seeing how cold they could be.
But it hurt my pride a lot.
In honesty, it still does…
Maybe save yourself that pain and have more pride than I did?
9) “Is it their birthday?”
I knew there was a reason you wanted to text your ex!
It’s their birthday and you want to show them you still care. You want them to know that you still exist and you’re still thinking about them.
Or it’s their birthday before yours and you aren’t sure if it’s the “done thing” to text them.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but it isn’t.
There’s no need to wish an ex happy birthday. I mean it! There’s no need at all.
They’ll get a million other happy birthday texts from people who are still in their lives. They don’t need yours, too.
If you’re thinking, “But we agreed to be friends!”, ask yourself:
Have you actually been friends since? Or are you just looking for an excuse to talk to them?
10) “How long has it been?”
When did this breakup happen? Was it yesterday? Last week? Last month? Six months ago or a year?
Either way, it’s too soon!
Unless it’s been years and years and years, things haven’t changed.
You aren’t going to get back together if you only broke up last month. If you do, it probably won’t last.
My experience is that you’re just delaying the inevitable…
Of course, if it’s genuinely been a long time (like this was a school ex or a relationship from long ago), reaching out might be a good idea.
Things might be really different now and things could work out this time.
But be real with yourself here, is that just the loneliness talking?
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Were they really that bad?”, trust me, they were – and you still deserve better!
11) “Are they still single?”
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if they’re dating someone else, they’ve moved on.
They don’t want to hear your paragraph about how much you miss them.
They don’t want to hear from you during the holidays or at New Year.
They probably don’t even want to say hey.
Their new partner definitely doesn’t want it, either!
Don’t be the ex who causes arguments for a new relationship.
Don’t feed their ego by letting them know you still want them.
They’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time you did, too…
Final thoughts
My friends weren’t brutally honest with me during my breakup, and I wish they had been. So let me say this!
Your ex is an ex for a reason.
Things didn’t work out for a reason. You didn’t want it or they didn’t want it, or both.
Texting them probably isn’t going to do you any good.
I know it’s hard.
I know you miss them.
I know you want closure.
I know you think there’s still a lot to say.
I know you might still love them.
But one day soon, you’ll get over them and life will feel so much lighter again.
New people will come into your life and you won’t believe how you used to feel.
So maybe just write out that text and send it to yourself instead. Or send it to a friend.
Better yet, put your phone down, go outside, and do something to take your mind off things!
I know I’ve been a little harsh here, but cut yourself some slack.
Breakups are so hard and we all have our “wobbly” moments.
You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to feel lonely. You’re allowed to miss them.
But maybe just don’t tell them that?
I promise you, your future self will thank you for it!
