I’ll admit it – I was this person in the past: low self-confidence and a complete lack of self-esteem and worth. And I projected that into my relationships (often leading to heartbreak and misery).
But looking back now, I can see that even when I tried to hide my insecurities, they came out in the “subtle” questions I asked my partners.
So, if you’re in a relationship with someone and recognize the following, there’s a good chance they’ve got low confidence.
I’ll also be sharing some tips on responding to each question, as often, a little bit of kindness and reassurance can go a long way.
Let’s start with the most common question:
1) “Do you still love me?”
You might feel like you’re going above and beyond to show your love, but if someone asks this, it’s more to do with THEM than you.
I know because I would always ask this question, even if things were progressing swimmingly and I had no reason to doubt their love.
People will ask this of their partner frequently because they don’t necessarily feel worthy of love, or because their insecurities cause them to doubt how other people feel about them.
So, if faced with this question, try to avoid getting annoyed (although you’d be valid in feeling that way, especially if you’re trying hard to make them see it).
Instead, let them know how much you love them, and even point out acts that demonstrate love so they recognize that actions speak louder than words.
2) “You’re happy with us, right?”
You’re chilling on the sofa on a random Thursday evening. Things have been calm in the relationship for as long as you can remember. Life is good.
All of a sudden, you’re hit with this question, interrupting your episode of Young Sheldon on Netflix.
It might seem random and out of the blue for you, but it signifies that your partner has been worried and thinking about this.
And this likely stems from a place of low confidence. Even if they can see everything is going well, they may doubt whether you feel the same way.
So, how can you respond?
Be honest. If you’re happy, let them know. And don’t spare the details of what makes your relationship so enjoyable.
And if you’re not happy? Well, a bigger conversation needs to be had as to why you feel that way.
3) “You could have anyone, why me?”
This is quite a sad question to hear anyone say. I’ve had an ex say it to me before and it kind of broke my heart.
But I understood why he said it – he felt like he wasn’t worth anything. He genuinely couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be around him.
I responded by listing the genuine reasons I enjoyed his company. You should have seen his smile.
4) “I hope I’m giving you what you need.”
A confident person knows what they bring to the table. They believe in themselves, and they feel confident enough to recognize if they’re not pulling their weight in the relationship.
A person who lacks confidence will struggle to judge this. They’re probably doing everything right, but they can’t see it for themselves.
Even if you’re super appreciative and vocal about it.
So, when hit with this question, be firm but kind in your response. Remind them of how much they do for you, and that they don’t need to worry about this aspect of the relationship.
5) “I mean, you don’t regret being with me, do you?”
Framed as an offhand question, this usually implies that someone worries you’re unhappy in the relationship.
Perhaps they think you’re with them out of pity, or loneliness. Or that you rushed into things and have now changed your mind.
Either way, it’s another sign of insecurity and low confidence.
In this situation, you can respond by letting them know that being with them is one of the best decisions you ever made – zero regrets.
6) “This outfit is okay for tonight, isn’t it?”
When someone lacks confidence, this might be their way of fishing for a compliment.
It could also be a way of getting reassurance that they’ve made the right outfit choice. If they don’t regard themselves highly, they probably feel that they don’t look great in most of their clothing.
That’s where you come in.
You can remind them that they’re gorgeous, inside and out.
And if you’re feeling extra kind, you can even list which parts of the outfit complement them the most.
7) “Do you think I’m as attractive as when we first met?”
Following on from the previous point, if someone struggles with their self-image, it makes sense that you, their partner, is who they turn to for reassurance.
Not to mention, a little confidence boost.
Deep down, they’re wondering whether you’re bored with them, or if that little extra holiday weight they’re carrying around bothers you.
I don’t think I need to give a response to this, as I imagine if you’re still attracted to them you’ll let them know it!
8) “You wouldn’t rather go out with your friends tonight?”
You’ve already committed to plans with your partner.
Yet, they’re still asking this question. Why?
Well, it’s an offhand way of trying to work out whether you are genuinely happy to spend time with them, or whether you’re doing it out of obligation.
When I’ve been asked this question before, I responded with:
“Of course not – I love spending time with you and creating important memories.”
9) “I’m lucky you put up with my nonsense.”
By “nonsense”, they’re likely referring to their insecurities. Which they may perceive as annoying for other people.
Notice how they also use the word, “lucky”.
They don’t feel deserving of your patience. They feel like they have to be grateful that you’re with them, despite all their “issues”.
But don’t we all have flaws? Annoying habits? Insecurities?
And isn’t the point of a good partner to accept those aspects and love you regardless?
I would respond with:
“I’m not “putting up” with anything – I want to be with you, for the good and the bad, for all parts of you!”
10) “We’re good together, aren’t we?”
Even if you’re the best couple ever – if someone lacks self-confidence, they will still worry over whether things are going well.
And this is their way of seeing how you feel about the relationship.
So, as I’ve said above, be honest.
If you think you are a good couple, list the reasons why.
Let them know they don’t need to worry, that the relationship is progressing well and you’re looking forward to seeing the future you create together.
11) “Do you ever think about your ex?”
Low confidence often equals feeling threatened by an ex.
When I was dating a guy at university, I remember asking him this. He rarely spoke about his ex but for some reason, I got it into my head that he must miss her.
Now, looking back, I can see that it was my overthinking and worrying that led me to believe this – he’d never given a sign, hint, or indication of pining for an old lover.
Luckily, he was a nice guy and quite compassionate.
He said that that chapter was closed for him and he was focused on the here and now – in other words, on me.
12) “Was she/he better at this than I am?”
And following on from that, if someone is feeling insecure about your ex, they’ll probably compare themselves to them.
Whether that’s cooking a meal or whipping up a storm in the bedroom.
Just the fact that they’re thinking about your ex more than you probably are shows the lack of confidence.
Be kind, be clear, and let them know that you don’t make comparisons. That their love is unique and your ex isn’t even on your mind.
So there we have it – 12 questions people with low confidence may ask in a relationship. I hope you walk away from reading this feeling better prepared and remember:
Helping build someone’s confidence doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a ton of patience, encouragement, and love.
And as tough as it might be, it’s also incredibly rewarding to lift someone else up and help them see their worth in the relationship (and in general life).