Paul Brian
When someone is cheating on you, there are obvious signs that we all know to watch out for:
Excuses about working late, hiding their phone, losing interest in intimacy and so on.
But what about the secret signs of infidelity and psychological indicators of an affair that many people miss?
Here’s a look.
1) Muttering and intentionally vague speaking style
Some people have a speech impediment and difficulty speaking clearly. If that is the case, ignore this first point.
However, for a partner who usually talks clearly, watch out for this indicator.
It is one of the top psychological signs of cheating.
You may find that answers to your questions are responded to in basic mumbles, often while your partner is looking away from you (which I’ll get to in the next point).
Even basic discussions or what are we having for dinner are responded to very vaguely or with a trailing off mumble.
Whether they mean to or not, your partner is indicating something is very wrong with them or your relationship.
2) Avoidance of eye contact
Another of the subtle psychological signs of cheating is avoidance of eye contact.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and you can tell a lot by looking someone in the eyes.
Avoiding eye contact is something people often do when they feel guilty or ashamed in some way or want to hide something.
In a more general social sense, people who avoid eye contact in their daily life often tend to be either very shy or having some personal struggles that are bringing them down.
They feel ashamed of themselves in some way and are afraid to directly meet the gaze of others.
In a relationship context, this is a strong sign that something is amiss, and it can often be a tell that an affair is going on and your partner feels guilty about it or scared of being caught.
3) Constant mixed signals
Another of the key psychological signs of cheating is mixed signals.
When you’re good in a relationship you can trust in communication and knowing more or less where your partner stands.
When something is going wrong or cheating is taking place, your partner may go from very hot to very cold in record time.
One day they might be very communicative, while the next they are withdrawn and preoccupied.
While this article explores the top psychological signs of cheating, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences and really dig into what is going on.
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like finding out whether a partner is cheating.
They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.
How do I know?
Well, I reached out to them last year while in a relationship that went way off track and in which my partner turned out to be cheating on me.
I spent months thinking it was all in my head, only to have a relationship coach patiently listen and advise me about what I was observing.
It turned out I was, unfortunately, right all along…My girlfriend was cheating.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
4) Changing the story
It’s nice to be with someone where you feel like you can more or less rely on what they say to you.
One of the disturbing psychological signs of cheating is that the story always changes.
At first this can be in very small ways, so pay attention to subtle shifts. It’s not always some big lie about where they were or who they’re talking to.
It might be they were out at a cafe, but the next day they talk about having gone to get fast food.
“But I thought you said you were at a cafe?” you might ask.
“Yeah, uh, no actually Burger King.”
It seems harmless, right? Maybe it is.
But in many cases it’s because all the lies are piling up on top of each other and getting confused into one big suspicious snowball of bullshit.
Be careful about this, because if the story is always changing in subtle ways it can be a sign of much bigger lies going on behind the scenes.
5) Being overly nice
Having a partner who treats you thoughtfully and cares about you is what we all want, right?
Well, of course…
However, it can go too far. And by that I don’t just mean being smothered by sweetness, I mean that it can often cover a darker underbelly.
Being overly nice and ingratiating is among the classic psychological signs of cheating.
This is essentially another guilt reflex, except instead of averting his or her gaze in shame, the individual goes over the top in pleasing you.
They try to expiate their guilt by being so nice to you that they feel in some small way they’ve “made up” for part of their guilt in cheating on you.
If you notice excessive niceness going on, consider it a red flag.
It may not be cheating, but something is most definitely going on.
6) Starting arguments on purpose
On the other side of being too nice is being too argumentative and abrasive.
This is one of the classic psychological signs of cheating.
It’s basically someone who wants to get out of a relationship but needs to first create a pretext or good reason to jump ship.
So they start fights and build up a problem that doesn’t even exist (or at least didn’t formerly exist).
Everything suddenly seems to become a fight.
But you may notice that you weren’t seeking one out at all and that it’s like your partner was looking for a fight.
Nothing was actually wrong.
This is often a sign that they’re cheating and want an excuse to pull the plug on your relationship.
It can also be a form of projection. They feel guilty and ashamed, and this manifests in angry outbursts.
It’s very toxic and immature behavior, to say the least.
7) Fear of discussing the future
Many of us have a vague fear or uneasiness thinking about the future.
It’s like a vast ocean that we’re asked to chart in some way and figure out how to navigate.
But when you’re in love and with someone, the future tends to take on a rosy glow.
Everything will be fine, as long as you’re with this special person.
But when a strong fear of discussing the future crops up in a relationship it’s a surefire sign that something’s wrong.
In many cases the problem is that one of those involved is falling out of love or wants to break up.
Another common reason is that someone is cheating and therefore talk of the future scares them because they know deep down that they’ve already undermined the foundations of the relationship.
Sad stuff…
8) Fading of sexual interest and desire for intimacy
Every relationship goes through ups and downs in the sex department.
But one of the top psychological signs of cheating is when your partner clearly stops being into you.
“Not in the mood” can be a very loaded statement.
This can manifest in your partner simply never being in the mood or going through sex and intimacy very robotically, often without eye contact.
It can also involve physical issues like erectile dysfunction or not getting turned on physically.
Is this cheating or something else? It could be either.
But keep in mind that a loss of interest in sex and associated issues often mean that somebody is getting it on the side or feels guilty and thus can’t get turned on.
9) Making you feel neglected and unwanted
The feeling of a partner who makes you feel neglected and unwanted.
This is especially true if you’ve fallen into a bit of a codependent spiral where you turn to your partner for validation or for a feeling of being needed and valuable.
When you’re dealing with potential infidelity it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way because we’re not taught how to love ourselves first.
So, if you want to learn how to deal with cheating and understand the subtle psychological clues your partner may be putting out without you realizing, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Rudá’s incredible advice.
Here’s a link to the free video once again.
10) Emphasizing differences between the two of you
Opposites can attract and there’s nothing wrong with having big differences between you and your partner.
But one of the top psychological signs of cheating is when your partner tries to exaggerate the differences between you.
This is another technique for trying to create a problem where there isn’t one.This is either to justify a breakup, or to justify to themselves why they’re cheating. “Well, my girlfriend / boyfriend is on such a different page, anyway! F*ck it.”
11) Secretiveness about money
Money problems split up many couples who thought they would last for the long haul.
Sadly, financial issues can flare up very rapidly and trigger many of our deepest-seated insecurities and issues.
Secretiveness about money is also one of the top psychological signs of cheating.
That’s why many people discover their partner has been cheating by scanning over shared credit cards.
You’d think people would be more careful, but that extra bottle of wine and box of chocolates on the way to their side piece’s place probably seemed harmless at the time…
What were the chances of getting busted anyway, right?
12) Playful discussions of ‘opening’ the relationship
Open relationships are risky business, but many alternative-minded people seem to be trying them these days.
For a cheating partner they’re perfect:
He or she suggests opening up the relationship or marriage in a joking way. If you flip out they say it was a joke, chill out.
If you’re intrigued or turned on they introduce you to their mistress or side guy and pretend they haven’t already been cheating with them.
Sneaky.
13) Focusing on your faults
Another of the psychological signs of cheating that can easily be missed is when your partner starts highlighting all your faults.
Why have they suddenly become so hyper-critical?
Maybe it’s something else, but in some cases this can be a way to justify to themselves why you’re not good enough and start fights.
This may center on appearance, personality, your values and even many nitpicking details of your daily life.
Suddenly nothing you do seems to be good enough or immune from strong criticism.
It’s disappointing, and it’s among the top psychological signs that your partner may be cheating on you.
Busted…
If you’re seeing a lot of the above psychological signs of cheating then proceed with caution.
It may be cheating, it may not.
But you can be sure something is not going well for your partner and you should do your best to communicate with him or her.
I strongly suggest checking out Rudá’s helpful advice on finding true love and intimacy and how to make relationships last.
If your partner is cheating it doesn’t necessarily mean everything’s over: you’ll have to decide that.
But it does mean that big changes are going to have to take place to find your way back into a respectful and trusting love.
