Sarah Piluden-Natu-El
Have you ever walked away from a conversation and felt weirdly hurt, even though the person seemed so nice?
I have.
I found it interesting how some polite-sounding comments can actually have a sting to them.
That said, join me as I dig deeper into polite put-downs, or the phrases used in everyday conversations that may sound kind, but weren’t really intended to.
These are the nice-sounding comments that can actually be subtle digs.
These are the words that sound like praise but they leave you feeling like you were just insulted.
They’re the phrases that hold much power – shaking your confidence and distorting how you see things.
Sure, we might not be able to stop people from speaking these phrases.
But if anything, it allows us to be better prepared to handle them and, more importantly, it helps us avoid using them ourselves.
Let’s get on to it!
1) “It’s just a joke!”
This one’s a classic.
For some reason, people feel it’s an appropriate get-out-of-jail-free card for bad jokes – the ones that are supposed to be funny but end up hurting someone’s feelings.
The problem is, when someone is genuinely hurt by whatever comment came before this phrase, it’s not really a joke anymore, is it?
Saying, “It’s just a joke” is like adding insult to the injury by dismissing the other person’s feelings and making them feel as if they’re overreacting for not finding humor in what was just said.
This phrase is a twisted way of putting the blame on the hurt person for not being in on the “joke”, when really, it wasn’t all that funny to begin with.
Remember:
“Humor at the expense of others is just bullying in disguise.” – Unknown
2) “Not to be critical, but…”
While we’re at it, let’s also throw in “no offense, but..” into this category.
When someone starts a sentence with either of these phrases, brace yourself.
I guarantee you, criticism or an offensive comment is coming your way.
Like the joke one we tackled earlier, these phrases are examples of another get-out-of-accountability tactic:
It’s used to try to soften the blow while still delivering a strong critique or offensive statement.
It’s the speaker’s way of freely voicing out their negative thoughts while pretending to avoid criticism or offending the receiver.
In fact, another phrase just came to mind as I typed this so let’s add it to this one, too:
“Don’t get mad at me for this, okay?”
They may as well offer you a hug before delivering a slap, right?
3) “Interesting choice!”
This one’s tricky.
Only because at the surface, nothing directly rude is said or implied.
Yet for some reason, the vibe feels off when you hear it.
Here’s why:
The word “interesting” here isn’t just about something being intriguing. It often hints that your choice wasn’t what the speaker wanted, expected, or approved of.
To translate it in non-verbal language:
It’s like raising an eyebrow in surprise (or doubt) without outrightly saying they think it’s a bad choice.
4) “You look good for your age!”
Speaking of raising eyebrows, you might have raised yours with this one.
After all, who doesn’t want to be complimented for looking good, right?
It’s the age bit that makes this statement a bit “icky” as the younger generation call it.
Personally, I feel like adding the age phrase just leaves a not so-sweet after taste.
The way I interpret it, it’s implying that there’s an expectation that looking older is less attractive, which isn’t just mean in itself – but low-key ageist.
This type of “compliment” is a subtle way of making people feel like they’re being judged not just on how they look, but on how well they are battling the inevitable aging process.
5) “You look comfortable”
On the topic of looks, let’s dive into this phrase.
In the right context, it’s harmless.
But mean people have a way of using it to sound polite and mask their nastiness.
Look at it this way:
Generally, when someone tells you, “you look comfortable”, it can sound like they’re simply acknowledging you’re in a relaxed, unbothered, calm state.
But someone with malicious intent will use this to imply that your outfit might be too casual or even sloppy.
Even if you’re dressed appropriately for the occasion, the meanies use this phrase to get you to second guess your outfit choice and subtly imply that you didn’t put in effort to “dress the part”.
6) “It’s not the worst I’ve seen”
This is a phrase that sounds like it’s offering some consolation, but the reality is harsher:
It implies that while whatever you’ve done isn’t absolutely terrible, it’s far from being good.
Look, I get it.
Part of personal development and growth is knowing how to receive and accept constructive feedback. But there’s really nothing constructive about this phrase.
It offers no actionable advice, and it disregards the positive aspects of what you’ve done, focusing instead on how you avoided total failure.
It’s the type of feedback that often diminishes someone’s confidence and motivation to keep pushing forward.
7) “At least you tried”
Speaking of efforts, here’s one phrase that again, in the right tone, is a way of acknowledging your hard work.
But when used maliciously, it’s someone’s ingenious way at taking a jab on your failure rather than your attempt, without even saying so.
It’s as if they’re saying that trying was the only thing you did right, while also suggesting that your efforts are useless because they fell short of achieving anything.
See how that escalated from a sort of encouraging phrase to a really mean-spirited one?
8) “Must be nice…”
This one’s a favorite by the green monsters out there.
It’s a statement that may sound like they’re recognizing someone’s good fortune, yet it’s a phrase usually tinged with envy or bitterness (and in some cases, both).
This phrase is the verbal version of an eye roll, implying that whatever someone is experiencing is unattainable or undeserved – at least from the speaker’s perspective.
But the truth is, it’s only because of the speaker’s flawed perspective.
In their eyes, there’s a divide between them and the subject, where the speaker feels left out or less fortunate by comparison.
Using this phrase immediately creates an awkward moment because the recipient may end up feeling guilty for their situation, even without any real reason to.
9) “Let me know how that works out for you..”
It may sound like they’re interested in your plans, but sometimes, mean-spirited people use this phrase to mask their skepticism.
They have doubts about the success of your idea or plan and they’re almost expecting you to fail or encounter problems.
It’s their way of undermining your decisions, suggesting that you might not have thought things through.
This is a common tactic in the workplace, like when you’re taking on a new project, presenting a proposal, or sharing your plans to the wider team.
It’s a phrase that if you’re not prepared for, can leave you feeling unsupported and second-guessing yourself, even if you were initially confident about your own ideas.
10) “If you say so”
This is the default argument-ender when you don’t want to agree with the other party but you also don’t have any more energy to discuss this with them.
And that’s exactly why this phrase may sound polite but it’s really mean-spirited:
The end goal is to dismissively end a conversation.
It does nothing but make the other person feel like their thoughts or facts are being brushed off as wrong, leaving them frustrated and undervalued.
11) “I’ll pray for you”
Don’t get me wrong:
This is a very thoughtful, kind, and supportive phrase when coming from the right person and said sincerely. It can show genuine concern and a wish to see someone through a rough time.
But – and that’s a big BUT:
When said by the wrong people in the wrong context that feels a bit off, or with a tone that isn’t quite sincere, it can subtly change the meaning from typically comforting to judgmental or cynical real quick.
For example, when you share a personal decision that they disapprove of or when you’re talking about your challenges, they’d say “I’ll pray for you” but what they really mean could be:
“Good luck with that, you’ll need it” or worse, “you’re beyond help”.
It’s as if whoever said this phrase believes that your issue is so bad that only a higher power can resolve it – not your own efforts or decisions.
Words have the power to destroy and heal
The way people speak can often disguise their underlying intentions.
It’s interesting to see how words that seem nice can actually have hidden sharpness in them, isn’t it?
Identifying these alternative meanings is a great way of thinking of, and understanding, the subtleties (and complexities) of human communication.
It gives us a better grasp of how we talk to each other, and also alerts us to think more about what we say and hear everyday.
It’s a small step towards better and more honest communication and a great reminder that words can be tricky, but they’re also quite powerful.
