8 phrases that seem harmless on the surface but are actually quite hostile

You ever have one of those moments where someone says something technically polite, but it leaves you blinking in confusion like, “Wait… was that a compliment or a roast?” Yeah, same.

Hi, I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit, and I’m here to help you crack the code on these sneaky little landmines of language.

See, some phrases dress up as friendly remarks but carry a hidden sting. They’re like wolves in sheep’s clothing — except fluffier, more subtle, and way more annoying. 

Today, we’re exposing them for what they are.

So buckle up, because once you learn to spot these low-key verbal jabs, you’ll never fall for them again. And who knows? You might even learn a few new tricks for your own repertoire.

1) “Just kidding”

It’s a phrase we’ve all heard countless times, often used to defuse a tense situation or to lighten up a conversation. However, this phrase can be a real wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Underneath its harmless exterior, it can be a vehicle for subtle hostility. People often use this phrase as a safety net to deliver insults or criticism, knowing they can retreat into the guise of humor if confronted.

The danger of using this phrase lies in its ability to mask harmful intentions, allowing the speaker to deliver a punch without taking responsibility for it. Despite its playful facade, this phrase can leave the recipient feeling hurt and confused.

2) “No offense, but…”

We’ve all come across this phrase, haven’t we? It’s a classic example of a seemingly harmless string of words carrying a stinging payload.

This is often used as a disclaimer before delivering a potentially offensive statement. The speaker might think it absolves them of any responsibility for the impact of their words, but in reality, it does exactly the opposite.

Let me share an example from my own life. I remember a friend once telling me, “No offense, but your cooking isn’t exactly gourmet.” There I was, proud of the meal I’d prepared, only to have it belittled under the guise of constructive criticism.

The phrase didn’t soften the blow; in fact, it made the critique even more pointed.

Honesty is important, but there’s always a kinder way to deliver it. So let’s be aware of our words and how we use them!

3) “You’re too sensitive”

This phrase  is often used to dismiss someone’s feelings or reactions. Instead of validating their emotions, it’s a way to shift the blame, implying that the issue lies not in what was said or done, but how the person chose to react.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve into the importance of mindfulness and empathy in communication. Recognizing and respecting someone’s feelings is crucial in building healthy relationships.

Take a scenario where someone shares that they’ve been hurt by a comment you made. Responding with “You’re too sensitive” invalidates their feelings and can lead to them feeling misunderstood or unheard.

As I discuss in my book, it’s essential to approach such situations with empathy and understanding, rather than brushing off their emotions.

In the words of esteemed psychologist Carl Rogers, “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me'”.

Let’s strive to be that person who truly listens and understands.

4) “I’m not being rude, but…”

Similar to “No offense, but…”, the phrase “I’m not being rude, but…” attempts to pre-emptively excuse or justify the speaker’s subsequent words.

It’s an attempt to protect oneself from potential backlash by laying down a protective layer of ‘politeness’ before delivering the actual message.

But here’s the kicker: this phrase doesn’t make the following statement any less rude or offensive. If anything, it heightens the listener’s awareness that something potentially hurtful is about to be said.

Instead of creating a safer space for conversation, it does quite the opposite. It puts the listener on guard, heightening their sensitivity to what follows.

5) “I’m just being honest”

Honesty is generally a good thing, right? Well, not always. The phrase “I’m just being honest” is a prime example of how honesty can sometimes be used as a weapon.

While honesty is indeed a virtue, using it as an excuse for unkind remarks is anything but virtuous. Often, this phrase is used to veil harsh criticism or unfiltered opinions that could be hurtful to others.

It’s counter-intuitive, but sometimes, being brutally honest can be quite brutal – and not in a good way. It can create unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings, all under the guise of ‘truth-telling’.

The key here is to balance honesty with tact and consider the impact of our words on others. So let’s strive for honesty that uplifts rather than hurts.

6) “Just saying”

On the surface, it seems like a harmless add-on to a statement. But more often than not, it’s used to distance the speaker from the potential impact of their words. 

It’s a way of saying something potentially hurtful or controversial while avoiding responsibility for how it might be received.

It’s a verbal shrug, a way to throw in an opinion – often unsolicited – without owning up to its potential effects. This leaves the recipient feeling undermined and dismissed, which is far from conducive to healthy communication.

So next time you’re tempted to end a statement with “just saying”, take a moment to consider its impact. Let’s use our words to build each other up, not tear each other down.

7) “Not to be that person, but…”

This is another phrase that can seem innocent but actually carries a hostile undertone. It’s often used as a precursor to criticism or a controversial opinion, as if acknowledging it upfront somehow absolves the speaker of the consequences.

There was a time when I was running late for a meeting and a colleague remarked, “Not to be that person, but you’re always late.” Despite the casual tone, it felt like a sharp jab. The phrase didn’t soften the criticism; in fact, it highlighted it.

It’s vital to remember that it’s not just what we say that matters, but also how we say it. So let’s aim for communication that is respectful and considerate in both word and tone.

8) “Don’t take this the wrong way”

This is a classic. It’s a preemptive strike, often used before delivering a comment that could be taken… well, the wrong way.

By using this phrase, the speaker is essentially putting the onus on the listener, asking them to manage their own reaction to what’s about to be said. It’s a clever way of sidestepping responsibility for the potential impact of their words.

However, it’s worth noting that if a statement requires such a disclaimer, it might be worth reconsidering the statement itself. 

Effective communication is about more than just saying things; it’s about saying them in a way that respects and considers the feelings of others.

Let’s use our words to build bridges, not barriers.

Final thoughts: It’s all about awareness

Language is a powerful tool, and how we wield it can have potent effects. Our words can build bridges or erect walls, heal wounds or inflict pain. 

The phrases we’ve examined may seem harmless on the surface, but they carry an undercurrent of hostility that can chip away at relationships over time.

It’s vital to remember that communication isn’t just about expressing ourselves; it’s also about respecting the feelings of others. Being more mindful of our word choices can make a world of difference in our interactions.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I discuss the importance of mindful communication and empathy. By embracing these principles, we can transform our relationships and foster a more understanding and compassionate world.

So next time you catch yourself using one of these phrases, pause for a moment. Reflect on what you’re about to say. Is there a kinder, more empathetic way to convey your thoughts?

Let’s learn from our past interactions and strive to change for the better. Let’s use our words to uplift, not undermine. After all, our words are a reflection of who we are. Let them reflect kindness, respect, and understanding.