8 phrases that are polite on the surface but are actually quite condescending

You know, it’s surprising how often we use language that can be taken the wrong way.

I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a mindfulness enthusiast. I’ve noticed that sometimes, our words can seem polite but actually carry a condescending undertone.

This can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even damage relationships. Subtly veiling our criticism or superiority with politeness doesn’t make it any less harmful.

Today, I want to share with you 9 phrases that might sound considerate on the surface, but if you dig a little deeper, they’re quite condescending.

In this article, we’ll uncover these phrases and discuss how to avoid using them unintentionally. Because communication is not just what you say—it’s how you say it. Let’s get started.

1) “You’re so brave for trying”

Politeness is an essential part of social interaction. But it’s a double-edged sword when hidden condescension lurks beneath the surface.

Consider the phrase, “You’re so brave for trying.” On the face of it, it sounds like a compliment. But what it really does is subtly imply that the person’s efforts are somewhat out of their reach or that their chances at success are slim.

This is a classic example of a backhanded compliment, where praise and criticism are intricately intertwined. It can make the person on the receiving end feel belittled and patronized, even if that wasn’t the speaker’s intent.

2) “I could never do what you do”

Let me share a personal example.

A while back, a friend said to me, “Lachlan, I could never do what you do.” Initially, I took it as a compliment, thinking he admired my dedication to mindfulness and running Hack Spirit.

But as I thought about it more, I realized it was veiled condescension. He was essentially saying that my lifestyle was too challenging or unappealing for him to ever consider it. That’s not a compliment at all.

It’s crucial that we understand the impact of our words. This phrase might sound like admiration on the surface, but can imply an underestimation of the other person’s role or job.

It’s always better to show genuine interest in understanding someone else’s choices rather than making assumptions or passing judgement. 

3) “If I were you…”

Here’s another phrase that can come off as polite but is actually quite condescending – “If I were you…”.

This phrase assumes that your perspective or solution is superior and disregards the other person’s feelings or thoughts.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I delve into the importance of empathy and understanding in our interactions. The essence of mindful communication is respecting each other’s individual experiences and perspectives, instead of imposing our own.

When we say, “If I were you…”, we’re subtly undermining the other person’s ability to make their own decisions. It’s better to offer advice or suggestions without assuming we know best.

4) “At least you tried”

Here’s a phrase that seems encouraging at first glance, but can feel condescending – “At least you tried.”

While it’s meant to comfort someone who didn’t succeed, it can actually make them feel like their efforts are being dismissed or minimized.

From a psychological perspective, this phrase can be counterproductive.

According to the self-determination theory, people need to feel competent and effective to be motivated and happy. When we dismiss their efforts with a phrase like “At least you tried,” we undermine their sense of competence.

Instead, we should acknowledge the person’s effort sincerely and provide constructive feedback. This supports their competence, encourages personal growth, and maintains a positive relationship.

5) “Good for you”

This one might be a bit counter-intuitive. “Good for you” sounds like a positive phrase, right?

But when used in certain contexts, it can come across as condescending.

The phrase “Good for you” can imply that the speaker is surprised that the other person managed to accomplish or do something. It can feel patronizing as if the person is being praised for doing something that should be expected of them.

The key here is context and tone. If said genuinely and enthusiastically, “Good for you” can be a warm compliment.

But if said with a hint of surprise or sarcasm, it veers into condescending territory.

6) “It’s not rocket science”

The phrase “It’s not rocket science” is often used to imply that something is straightforward or easy to understand.

However, this can be quite condescending as it downplays the difficulty that someone might be experiencing with a task or concept.

By saying this, we’re indirectly suggesting that the person should have been able to understand or do something easily, which can make them feel incompetent or foolish.

Instead of belittling someone’s struggle, let’s offer help or patience.

Every individual has different strengths and weaknesses, and what might seem simple to one person could be challenging for another.

7) “Bless your heart”

“Bless your heart” is a phrase often used in southern United States, and it’s one that can be quite deceptive. While it sounds kind and compassionate, it’s often used to veil criticism or pity.

For instance, if I were to share a story about a failed attempt at cooking a complex recipe, someone might respond with, “Bless your heart.”

While it might seem like they’re expressing sympathy, there’s an underlying message that my effort was naive or foolish.

This phrase is a great example of how important it is to be aware of regional linguistic nuances and to strive for clear, straightforward communication.

Let’s choose words that build each other up, rather than subtly tear each other down.

After all, language has the power to shape our relationships and shared experiences.

8) “You always…” or “You never…”

The phrases “You always…” or “You never…” might not seem condescending at first.

However, they can be quite damaging as they label and generalize someone’s behavior in a negative way.

These phrases are often used when expressing frustration or disappointment.

But they can make the other person feel like they’re being unfairly judged on the basis of a few instances.

It’s more respectful and constructive to address the specific behavior that’s causing concern, rather than making sweeping statements about someone’s character or habits.

In conclusion: It’s about empathy and understanding

At the end of the day, our interactions hinge on empathy and understanding.

The phrases we’ve discussed might seem polite on the surface, but they often carry a condescending undertone that can undermine our relationships.

These phrases subtly belittle or dismiss the experiences of others, even when that’s not our intention. But by being mindful of our words, we can avoid causing unintentional harm and foster more positive and respectful communication.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how empathy and mindfulness can transform our interactions and relationships.

The book emphasizes the importance of genuine respect for others’ experiences and perspectives.

As we navigate our conversations, let’s remember that it’s not just about what we say, but how we say it. Let’s aim to communicate with kindness, patience, and understanding.

After all, as Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.”

So let’s use our words to heal, not hurt—to build bridges of understanding rather than walls of condescension.