Pearl Nash
Society often mistakenly thinks that introversion is synonymous with being shy.
This is just one of the many ways people misunderstand what introversion truly is.
Yet we shouldn’t confuse it with social anxiety. There is no reason why introverts can’t be equally as confident as extroverts.
But they may not show it in the same way.
As extroverts and introverts are wired very differently, so they tend to handle the world around them uniquely too.
Confidence doesn’t need to be in your face, it can be subtle.
According to psychology, quietly confident introverts express themselves in particular ways.
Let’s take a look at the sorts of phrases you’ll hear them use.
1) “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to have to say no this time”
Learning how to confidently say no to others is a skill we could all probably do with honing.
But psychology shows that for introverts, time and energy management is essential if they want to avoid burnout.
Speaking in Psychology Today, introvert author David Hall explains that it’s all about understanding what serves you best.
“As an introvert, you need to know what activities or situations drain you, and how to recharge. When you understand your energy needs and how to work with them, you can build some recharge time into your plan for each day to help you stay energized and at the top of your game.”
Introversion brings many gifts, but one of the challenges is recognizing the limitations it may create around socializing.
Saying “no” to a busy schedule is the best way to make sure your battery doesn’t become too drained.
2) “It’s only boring if you’re bored”
Introverts often have this accusation leveled at them if they don’t want to do something:
“Stop being so boring!”
Society seems to have deemed some activities “fun” and some “boring”.
When you stop and think about that, you start to see how silly it is. Because what is fun is based on what you enjoy.
That makes it entirely subjective.
You don’t have to dig too deeply to realize it’s largely based on what thrill-seeking extroverts may like.
Psychology tells us that extroverts and introverts respond differently to the reward hormone dopamine.
Even though they have the same amount in their brains, extroverts have a more active dopamine reward network.
This means what they get a kick out of, can leave introverts feeling totally unenthusiastic.
Introverts are natural energy conservers. So they may not want to go bungy jumping or clubbing.
They genuinely feel stimulated by low-key pursuits like reading, playing computer games, or going for a walk.
In many ways, it’s the absolute opposite of being boring as they can find contentment in some of the humblest of things.
The point is: It’s only ever boring if you’re bored by it!
3) “I really enjoy my own company”
Most introverts will have to field questions about loneliness at some point or another.
Here’s the thing:
Many introverts can and do feel lonely. It’s part of the human condition.
But what we’re talking about in this instance is the assumption that:
Time alone = lonely.
Science tells us that spending time alone can be really constructive for your mental health.
But the reason that introverts already enjoy hanging out solo comes down, once again, to wiring in the brain.
Psychotherapist Dr. Marti Olsen Lane explains that introverted brains have many more acetylcholine receptors.
This neurotransmitter allows us to enjoy deep thought and reflection, as well as focus intensely on something for a long time.
That all means that introverts can get a happy glow by spending time on inward-facing tasks and being by themselves.
4) “I’d prefer to catch up one-on-one”
Introverts gravitate toward deeper conversation.
It’s one of the reasons they can struggle with small talk finding it shallow or uncomfortable.
So it stands to reason that they’d rather catch up with their connections in much smaller groups.
This allows them to give their undivided attention in a way they much prefer.
As introvert author Sophia Dembling explains, “Introverts and extroverts do approach friendship differently. Introverts feel like they can only get quality time with people one-on-one, but extroverts can get their social needs met in group gatherings.”
Confident introverts feel comfortable telling friends that they would rather see them solo.
They’re not worried about being viewed as anti-social for doing so. It’s all part of voicing your needs. True friends will always accommodate this.
5) “Do you mind if we raincheck?”
Rescheduling is more common for introverts.
But not because they’re flaky.
It all goes back to their sensitivity to socializing too much and their need to energetically recharge.
The problem is that their battery can quickly drain. Sometimes it unexpectedly leaves them on empty when they’ve already made plans.
Extroverts can then think an introvert is being rude or lazy by needing to cancel.
We have to be sensitive and understanding of one another’s energy needs to navigate these fundamental differences between extroverts and introverts.
So introverts can try to manage their energy and be mindful of not falling into flaky or unreliable behavior.
Meanwhile, extroverts can try to be more accepting and appreciate that introverts may need to raincheck on their plans if they’re not feeling up to it.
6) “I just get more done when I’m working alone”
That doesn’t mean introverts are less cooperative or not team players.
It’s okay to let others know that you’re going to be less productive in a co-working situation.
Introverts who have ever been invited to join a study group or go to a public place to get some work done usually find it doesn’t work for them.
Psychology has found that communal spaces, like open-plan offices, tend to be more problematic for introverts.
That’s because noise and extra environmental stimuli can be far too distracting for them.
They’re just more sensitive to sounds, smells, and energy around them.
Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, PhD is one of the top global leadership speakers on introverts in the workplace and says:
“Introverts do not like over-stimulation from the external environment. In a busy open space organization, the physical proximity of people, noise, and light can take them off their game.“
It’s not that you don’t like people, it’s that science shows it’s harder for you to drown out the background noise to concentrate.
7) “Can we meet somewhere quieter and more intimate?”
Another classic misunderstanding of introverts is that they are more anti-social.
But yet again, psychology reveals that in reality they simply prefer smaller gatherings, meaningful conversation, and more intimate venues.
These preferences go back to their yearning for depth over superficiality and how overwhelming loud, and crowded spaces can quickly become.
So it’s true that many introverts don’t favor clubs, busy bars, or bustling parties filled with people they don’t know.
They still want to hang out, yet they gravitate to atmospheric spaces where they can truly connect with someone without distraction.
8) “I’ll give it some thought”
Introverts are very considered people.
Psychology shows us that one of the defining features is a tendency to be more inward-facing.
They spend more time reflecting and examining their own internal experiences, which makes them pensive.
It means they prefer to think things through rather than act impulsively.
Again, it’s another difference based on physiological factors as explained by psychiatrist Dr. Lisa MacLean:
“Since extroverts have thinner matter in the prefrontal cortex, they process information quickly and tend to react impulsively compared to introverts, who mull things over before deciding on a course of action.”
Sometimes introverts can feel put on the spot and under pressure to give a quick answer.
So it takes self-assurance to resist the urge to make a choice you may later regret and instead say you need some time first to think about it.
9) “I think that’s a very extroverted way of looking at things”
Confident introverts are great advocates for introversion.
In a world where extroverts still outnumber them, society can feel set up in favor of extroversion.
This often leaves a lot of introverts feeling misunderstood and under pressure to act in a more extroverted way.
Yet confident introverts embrace what makes them tick.
They recognize that rather than force themselves to behave in ways that go against their genetic makeup, it’s a better strategy to educate others.
It’s not rude to turn down invitations, it’s more rude to pressure people into joining.
It’s not anti-social to spend a lot of time alone, it’s a healthy sign you’re comfortable being by yourself.
You’re not shy if you prefer to sit back and listen, you’re observant and in tune with others.
The point is, that there is always another way of looking at things.
Quietly confident introverts aren’t afraid to point out to their extrovert friends and family the other side of the coin.
Confidence is always about owning who you are
Confidence doesn’t only come in one package.
It’s all about understanding yourself and accepting everything that makes you tick.
That’s why the key to becoming a quietly confident introvert lies in embracing your introvert superpowers.
To do that, you also have to honor the fact that there are some things you may need to say no to.
When you learn to be proud of your deep thinking and socially sensitive introverted side, you can fully own it.
