Isabella Chase
If you’ve ever encountered someone who seems to switch their compassion on and off like a light switch, you may be dealing with selective empathy.
Selective empathy is when an individual shows understanding and concern for some people’s feelings but disregards others. It can leave you feeling puzzled and perhaps a bit hurt.
I’m sure you’ve heard phrases that seem empathetic one moment, then completely dismissive the next. You might be asking, “What’s going on here?”
Psychology has a term for this – selective empathy. It’s not a personal preference, but rather an intriguing psychological occurrence.
Understanding it could shed some light on why people say what they do. Let’s delve into these eight phrases.
1) “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This phrase is a common one when dealing with selective empathy. It sounds like an apology on the surface, but it’s actually a subtle way of dismissing your feelings.
When someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they’re not truly acknowledging your emotions or taking responsibility for any part they may have played in causing them.
Instead, they’re shifting the focus onto how you’re reacting, suggesting that your feelings are your own problem.
It’s a clever way of appearing empathetic while simultaneously deflecting any blame or responsibility. It’s as if they’re saying, “I’m sorry that you’re upset, but that’s really not my issue.”
This can leave you feeling unheard and invalidated, questioning whether your feelings are justified or not.
You may even start to question if you’re being too sensitive or overreacting – all classic results of this subtly manipulative phrase.
Understanding this phrase is the first step in recognizing selective empathy. Remember, true empathy involves validation and understanding – not deflection and dismissal.
2) “I totally understand how you feel.”
At first glance, this phrase seems like it should be the epitome of empathy.
After all, isn’t understanding someone’s feelings the essence of empathy? However, it isn’t always as empathetic as it sounds.
When someone declares they “totally understand”, it assumes they’re capable of fully grasping your unique experience.
But can anyone truly comprehend exactly what another person is feeling?
Each of us has our own individual experiences and emotions, and it’s a bit presumptuous to assume we can entirely understand someone else’s.
Moreover, when people with selective empathy use this phrase, they often follow it with a ‘but’, subtly shifting the conversation back to their own experiences or perspectives.
The focus is taken away from your feelings and redirected towards them, making you feel less heard.
While “I totally understand how you feel” may sound empathetic, it could be a sign of selective empathy – especially if the listener quickly moves on to their own thoughts or experiences.
3) “At least it’s not as bad as…”
This phrase is often used by individuals who exhibit selective empathy. It appears to offer perspective, but it’s actually a comparison that minimizes your feelings.
When someone says, “At least it’s not as bad as…”, they’re essentially downplaying your emotions and experiences by comparing them to something they deem worse.
This is a form of cognitive distortion known as minimizing.
Minimizing is a common defense mechanism that people use to dismiss or belittle emotions or events that seem threatening or uncomfortable.
It’s an attempt to make things seem less significant than they are.
In the context of selective empathy, this phrase serves to invalidate your feelings and experiences, subtly suggesting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do because others have it worse.
But remember, just because someone else might have it worse, doesn’t make your feelings any less valid or real.
4) “You’re just too sensitive.”
This phrase is a prime example of gaslighting, a psychological manipulation tactic that makes the recipient question their own feelings and interpretations of events.
When someone tells you that you’re too sensitive, it’s as though your emotions are being put on trial and found excessively guilty.
It’s important to remember that everyone has a right to their own feelings. What might seem trivial to one person may be deeply impactful to another.
Our emotions are shaped by our unique life experiences and personal thresholds for discomfort or pain.
When someone attributes your reactions to being overly sensitive, they’re essentially dismissing your feelings and imposing their own emotional gauge on you.
It’s a way of saying, “The problem isn’t that I did something hurtful; the problem is that you’re too sensitive.”
If you hear this phrase, take a moment to remind yourself: Your feelings are valid. You have a right to feel what you feel, regardless of how anyone else perceives it.
5) “Why can’t you just move on?”
We’ve all been there. Something bothers us, and we just can’t seem to let it go. Then someone comes along and says, “Why can’t you just move on?”
It’s as though they’re stating that your inability to quickly bounce back is a personal failing.
This phrase is often used by individuals with selective empathy when they find it inconvenient or frustrating to deal with another person’s lingering emotions.
They’d prefer for you to simply ‘get over it’ so they don’t have to engage with your feelings anymore.
Everyone processes emotions at their own pace.
What one person can shrug off in a day might take another person weeks or even months to work through. There’s no set timeline for emotional recovery.
Healing isn’t a race, and it’s perfectly normal if you need a little longer to feel better.
6) “You’re just overthinking it.”
Imagine this scenario: You’re worried about an important project at work. You’ve been losing sleep over it, and it’s all you can think about.
When you try to express your concerns to a colleague, they dismiss you with, “You’re just overthinking it.”
This phrase is often used by those with selective empathy when they don’t want to engage with your worries or anxieties.
By telling you that you’re overthinking, they’re suggesting that your concerns aren’t valid and that it’s your own fault for dwelling on them.
What’s more, it can make you feel as though you’re being irrational or ridiculous for caring so much about something that others deem unimportant.
In truth, what may seem like ‘overthinking’ to one person is often regular processing for another.
Everyone has their own way of navigating through challenges and uncertainties, and it’s okay if yours involves a bit more thought and consideration.
7) “It’s not a big deal.”
Here’s the hard truth: When someone tells you, “It’s not a big deal,” they’re basically deciding for you what should or shouldn’t matter in your life.
It’s a phrase often used by individuals with selective empathy to dismiss your feelings, experiences, or concerns.
While it may seem trivial to them, if it’s a big deal to you, then it’s a big deal. Period.
People have different values, priorities, and sensitivities. What might seem insignificant to one person could be monumental to another.
No one has the right to downgrade your concerns or experiences based on their own perception of significance.
8) “You always make everything about you.”
This phrase is a classic deflection technique, often used by individuals with selective empathy when they feel cornered or criticized.
By accusing you of making everything about yourself, they shift the focus from their behavior to yours.
It’s a way of avoiding responsibility and making you question your own actions and motives instead. The result? You end up feeling guilty and self-conscious, while they dodge any accountability.
Expressing your feelings, needs, or concerns doesn’t mean you’re self-centered. It means you’re human. We all have emotions and needs that deserve to be acknowledged and respected.
If you ever hear this phrase, don’t let it undermine your self-worth or silence your voice. Your feelings matter, and expressing them doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you authentic.
Conclusion
Understanding selective empathy is a massive step towards better relationships and communication—and it all hinges on your personal willingness to grow.
This article is here to help you identify the phrases that might indicate selective empathy, but in the end, the choice to act on this knowledge is yours.
Time spent understanding others is never wasted.
Being truly empathetic means being wise enough not to let others dictate your feelings or invalidate your experiences.
Here’s to building more empathetic, genuine connections!
