Adrian Volenik
Manipulative people are great at denying responsibility and deflecting blame. In fact, they love shifting blame onto others, and more often than not, their partner is right there in the crosshairs.
Because manipulators think theyโre awesome, itโs therefore never their fault when something bad happens as a result of their actions.
They come up with excuses on the spot, and here are some of the phrases they use to shift blame onto their partner.
1) โYouโre overreacting, as usualโ
Blaming someone for overreacting is the go-to weapon of manipulators. They downplay things as much as possible to make their errors seem meaningless.
Blaming their partner for making a big deal out of nothing is very hurtful and invalidating, donโt you agree?
And even more so if it happens all the time, which Iโm sure it does. But hereโs another one of their bangers:
2) โYouโre too sensitive, thatโs the problemโ
People just love accusing others of being too sensitive. Everyone is a snowflake these days, even though the accusers are often the biggest snowflakes of them all.
With this statement, theyโre quick to dismiss their partnerโs emotions, implying that their feelings are exaggerated.
Manipulators are once again accusing the other side of making a big deal out of things, but this time, itโs because theyโre too sensitive.
3) โYou always make things difficultโ
If someone wants to push their partnerโs buttons, all they have to do is say something like this.
I mean, even if it were true, there are other ways of saying it, right?
But manipulators donโt care about hurting other peopleโs feelings, so why should they care about their partnerโs feelings anyway?
Above all, manipulators are incredibly selfish and always look at how they can trample over others to get what they want.
4) โI wouldnโt have done that if you hadnโtโฆโ
Now, this oneโs a doozy, isnโt it? Itโs just such a straightforward way of making excuses by blaming the other person.
Itโs as if theyโre saying, โI did this because you made me do it,โ putting the responsibility on the partner.
For example, the manipulator spends too much money all the time, yet they blame their partner for pressuring them to buy things.
Or they snapped at them, and now theyโre saying itโs their partnerโs fault for nagging them all day.
5) โYouโre the one who started this argumentโ
Now, this phrase shifts the blame by claiming the partner was the one who initiated the argument. It avoids taking responsibility for their part in the disagreement.
And this fits the pattern perfectly, doesnโt it?
It also does a great job of steering the conversation in the other direction. Now, the fight is about who started arguing first and not what the argument was about in the first place.
7) โIf you were more understanding, this wouldnโt happenโ
Manipulators love projecting, donโt they? In this case, they project that the partner isnโt compassionate and not them.
In other words, they imply that problems emerge because the other person lacks empathy. But, to anyone who knows the manipulator well, itโs clear that theyโre calling the kettle black, right?
There are simply no ifs, buts, or maybes about it.
8) โI did it because you never listen to meโ
Again, this is classic projecting from the manipulator. Theyโre often the ones who donโt actively listen.
In fact, they only listen to others so they can extract valuable information for further manipulation and not because they care about others or their issues.
With this phrase, they simply blame their partner for their own actions, suggesting they had no choice but to act a certain way due to the partnerโs inattention.
9) โThis is your fault for not being clearโ
Claiming they werenโt in the loop or that they didnโt understand instructions is another tactic.
It puts all the blame on the partner for any confusion, ignoring the possibility that miscommunication could be a shared responsibility.
It doesnโt matter how clear the instructions were. If they did something wrong, you can bet theyโll be the excuse for the wrongdoing and not the person who actually made the mistake itself.
10) โI did what I did because of your actionsโ
Excuses, excuses, excuses. This shifts the focus from personal choices to the partnerโs behavior, suggesting that their actions forced the reaction.
So, for example, they might blame their partner like this: โI didnโt come home on time because youโre always nagging me about being punctual. Your constant reminders create unnecessary pressure.โ
In fact, theyโre the real victim here because poor them were under a lot of pressure, right? If it were a normal person, then okay, they could feel pressured.
But for manipulators, itโs just another excuse.
11) โYouโre imagining things, itโs not a big dealโ
Now, weโve come to something interesting – gaslighting. Although the term has gained popularity only in the last two decades, itโs something manipulators have been doing since the dawn of time.
They downplay the significance of the situation and suggest the other person is misinterpreting things, making their concerns seem unimportant:
Theyโre just imagining things, and thereโs nothing to see.
12) โIโm only reacting to how you treat meโ
In this case, the manipulator is pointing to their partnerโs behavior, minimizing personal responsibility for how they choose to respond.
They were the victim once again because their partner supposedly mistreated them. But if you know manipulators and their tactics and behaviors, then you know theyโre the ones doing all the mistreating.
Itโs just who they are and all they do is in service of the โgreater good.โ In their case, thatโs always sex, money, power, influence, or all of them.
They steamroll people into doing whatever they want them to do by using passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, love bombing, selective amnesia, silent treatment, and much more.
13) โYou should know better instead of causing issuesโ
With this phrase, they put all the responsibility on their partner to avoid conflicts, oversimplifying relationship dynamics and neglecting shared responsibility in resolving problems.
In other words, itโs not their fault once again. They were on the receiving end of the argument, and any mistakes or harmful actions they did were not the point.
The real point is that the partner shouldnโt have made a big deal out of the issue. They should have been more supportive.
14) โIf you were more supportive, I wouldnโt act like thisโ
This suggests that the partnerโs lack of support is the main reason for certain actions. They deflect accountability and ignore the fact that people make their own choices.
In this case, the manipulator had the choice to do something or not. They now try to blame their partner for everything and make them look unsupportive.
Again, if it werenโt them weโre talking about, you could make a case for the person. But, because we know theyโre a manipulator, we know they donโt care for things like someone supporting them or not.
15) โYouโre the one who needs to change, not meโ
And lastly, theyโre perfect, and everyone else around them is at fault and needs to change.
Thatโs why, with this statement, they avoid acknowledging personal faults by insisting that the other person is the one who needs to change.
It also perfectly deflects attention from their own actions and behaviors.
Final thoughts
Living with a manipulator or being in a relationship with one is no easy feat. I canโt even imagine what life looks like for their partners.
Many of them arenโt even aware of the fact their loved one is a manipulator until itโs too late. At that point, itโs much more difficult to get out of their grip.
Many times, the only solution is for the manipulator to find a โbetterโ victim. Someone new theyโll focus all their attention on in the future.
