Clifton Kopp
I’m a bit of a true crime enthusiast.
One parallel I’ve noticed among the “bad guys” is that most of them grew up in tough circumstances, with negligent, toxic parents.
Our formative years are incredibly powerful.
Your parents can make or break who you are as a person.
Unfortunately, not all parents are aware of the latter fact–and fail to act.
If your parents were consistently encouraging and generous, you likely would’ve grown up to be a healthy adult, with functioning relationships.
And if your parents were particularly selfish around you as a child? Chances are, you’d absorb some pretty bad behaviors.
I’m here to provide a bit more clarity.
In this article, I’ll go through the traits that people who were raised by selfish parents tend to develop later in life.
Let’s get to it!
1) They have low self-esteem
One of the more basic needs of a child is warmth and affection from their parents.
I’m in my thirties so, as you can imagine, I have numerous friends who are now parents.
I can see many of them fully embracing that role.
Even when we’re hanging out, they’ll actively make it a point to go out of their way, set their kids aside, and give them positive reinforcement.
Unfortunately, the latter isn’t the case with selfish parents.
Selfish parents tend to neglect their children’s core needs… a pattern that will inevitably lead to self-esteem issues later in life.
It’s not rocket science: If you grew up constantly undervalued, feeling you like never mattered, you simply will not have the confidence of a child who grew up in healthier circumstances.
When feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem are that level of ingrained within you, you’ll constantly feel like you’re being left behind in life.
And at that point, gaining confidence can be a legitimately uphill, life-long battle.
2) They have a deep fear of abandonment
Some years ago, I dated a girl who was brought up by very absent parents.
As a child, her dad was always working, while her mom was too busy socializing to give her the attentiveness she needed.
So when we started dating, while everything was fine at the beginning, after some time, the cracks began to surface.
She would get extremely clingy, texting and calling me at all hours of the day.
She’d get upset and anxious when I wouldn’t respond to her messages within minutes.
She would get jealous and possessive over innocuous texts or photos, occasionally even going through my phone when I wasn’t looking.
While I would certainly find her behavior annoying, I was logical enough to realize that her neediness, lack of trust, and co-dependence ultimately stemmed from a fear of abandonment, a fear of being left alone… which I accurately concluded was due to her childhood history.
So rather than retaliate with anger, I’d try my best to understand her situation and act with empathy because, at the end of the day, I knew she was a decent person.
3) They have perfectionist tendencies
People who were raised by selfish parents almost always tend to be insecure, at least to some degree.
When you’re insecure, the tendency is often to overcompensate.
I know several people who were never made to feel special as kids and went on to become ultra-successful as adults.
Coincidence? Hardly.
When you feel an emotional void from childhood, this causes resentment.
Many will use these negative feelings as motivation and fuel to make it far in life, to prove to everyone, including themselves, that they are worthy of warmth and affection, that they are worthy of approval.
They’ll often take things too far, as they become obsessed with flawlessness and perfection–a habit that can affect their relationships, mental and emotional health, and so on, in the long run.
4) They’re emotionally suppressed
People who know how to process emotions efficiently, with wisdom and maturity, are that way mostly because of a stable and loving upbringing.
After all, emotional intelligence is a learned behavior.
I grew up with parents who weren’t particularly present.
You see, they had me at a very young age and thus weren’t always up to the task of being full-time parents.
Because I grew up with very little emotional support, I ended up having some pretty serious communication and confidence issues throughout my early adulthood.
I just didn’t know how to express myself.
I’d let people walk all over me, failing to stand up for myself, preferring to stay passive instead of assertively voicing my concerns.
This passive attitude, this emotional suppression, led to some destructive habits.
For a good stretch in my twenties, I’d often get blackout drunk and completely change my personality.
I’d become brash, obnoxious, angry, violent, aggressive, with almost no recollection of it the following day.
Eventually, I realized that my drunken persona was triggered by suppressed feelings; feelings and emotions that were dormant, and activated by the disinhibitating nature of high-proof liquors.
5) They engage in people-pleasing behaviors
Low self-esteem can manifest in many, many ways.
The fact is, when you’re deprived of the approval of a parent, for instance, you tend to lack self-belief… a feeling that translates into people-pleasing behaviors.
When you’re a people pleaser, you have a hard time saying no, often excessively going out of your way to do favors for others.
Eventually, when people catch on (and they always do), the tendency is to take advantage.
When you’re a people pleaser, you have an intense, even addictive, desire to gain the approval of others–a feeling that stems from a subconscious need to please unsatisfied parents.
But while gaining approval might feel good at the moment, over time, as you begin to realize that you have been neglecting your own needs, your level of confidence will invariably wither away.
Not a good position to be in.
Final words
Break the cycle. Set firm boundaries. Be assertive and proud of who you are as a person.
Unpacking deep-seated emotions is no walk in the park; seeking professional help is encouraged.
With enough determination, you’ll get to where you want to be.
And at that point, there will be no turning back. You got this.
