Eliza Hartley
Kindness is more than just good intentions—it’s about actions that genuinely uplift and respect others.
However, some people who see themselves as kind may unknowingly act in ways that contradict their self-image.
These subtle behaviors, often justified or overlooked, can leave others feeling dismissed or hurt.
I’ll unveil eight common behaviors displayed by people who think they’re kind but actually aren’t—and how to recognize the difference between true kindness and an illusion of it:
1) They’re quick to label their actions as ‘kind’
Ah, the world of perceived kindness. It appears attractive on the surface, doesn’t it?
Individuals who believe they are kind but aren’t often have a tendency to label their actions as ‘kind’ and frequently remind others of their benevolence.
While acts of kindness are certainly appreciated, the underlying intention matters.
If someone is helping others primarily to be recognized as a ‘kind’ person, it’s less about the recipients and more about themselves and their need for validation.
True kindness doesn’t require a label or an audience; it’s selfless and often goes unnoticed.
2) They’re prone to the ‘halo effect’
Ever heard of the ‘halo effect’?
No? Well, it’s a psychological concept that’s quite fascinating.
In a nutshell, the ‘halo effect’ is the tendency to let one positive trait of a person influence our perception of their other characteristics.
In simpler terms, when someone is perceived as kind, we are more likely to view their other traits in a favorable light, even if they are not as praiseworthy.
However, there’s a twist: Some individuals who believe they are kind may fall into the trap of the ‘halo effect’ when evaluating themselves, and they assume that because they perform some ‘kind’ acts, all their behaviors must be kind and justified.
Recognizing that one can engage in kind deeds while still acting unkindly in other situations is essential for personal growth and a deeper understanding of our complex nature.
3) They struggle to accept criticism
While the ‘halo effect’ can cloud our self-perception, there’s another behavior that often goes hand in hand with this—the inability to accept criticism.
It might seem counter-intuitive, but individuals who believe they are kind but aren’t often struggle with accepting criticism.
This is because they already view themselves in a positive light, and any feedback that contradicts their self-perception is difficult to process.
Accepting criticism, however, is not a sign of weakness or an indication that someone is unkind; rather, it’s the opposite!
Genuine kindness involves being open to feedback, as it fosters growth and helps individuals become better versions of themselves by acknowledging their imperfections and working towards improvement.
4) They’re not good listeners
People who think they’re kind but actually aren’t, often struggle with active listening.
They may offer unsolicited advice or interrupt others to share their own experiences.
While their intentions may be well-meaning, such behaviors can make the other person feel unheard or unimportant.
True kindness involves being present and genuinely interested in what others have to say—it’s about understanding their perspective, not just sharing one’s own.
Communication is speaking and listening equally, thus a good listener is a kind person.
5) They exhibit certain ‘unkind’ behaviors
Sometimes, unkind behaviors can be subtle—they might not be overtly aggressive or rude, but they can still hurt others.
People who think they’re kind but actually aren’t often display the following behaviors:
- They often engage in gossip or spread rumors.
- They tend to make passive-aggressive comments.
- They rarely apologize when they’re wrong.
- They frequently play the ‘victim’ card to gain sympathy.
No one is perfect, but acknowledging one’s flaws is the first step towards becoming better.
6) They’re not empathetic
I’m sure we can all agree that empathy is a crucial element of kindness—it involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others.
However, it’s easier said than done, isn’t it?
Those who believe they are kind but aren’t often lack empathy, struggling to put themselves in others’ shoes or truly understanding their emotions.
Empathy can be developed as it’s not a fixed trait but a skill that can be nurtured and grown.
7) They’re selective with their kindness
Imagine this scenario: Someone is at a party and they see two people—one is their close friend and the other, an acquaintance—and both of them needed help.
Who should that person choose to help first?
If their kindness is limited to their friends and family, or people who can benefit them in some way, then their kindness might not be as genuine as they think.
People who believe they’re kind but actually aren’t often show selective kindness as they’re kind to certain people, in certain situations, or when it’s convenient for them.
Maintaining true kindness isn’t selective nor discriminatory and is consistent.
8) They lack humility
Let me share a personal story: A few years ago, I received a compliment for a project I’d worked on.
Rather than accepting it graciously, I brushed it off, saying that it was nothing and that anyone could have done it.
My friend later pointed out that this false modesty wasn’t humility but rather a subtle way of saying that the task was so easy that anyone could do it—it was a wake-up call for me!
People who think they’re kind but actually aren’t often lack humility.
They might downplay their achievements in a way that belittles others or boast about their good deeds.
Humility is coupled with true kindness as it’s about recognizing that we’re all human, capable of both successes and failures—treating others with respect, regardless of their status or achievements.
Final thoughts
As we wrap up, let’s take a moment to reflect as we’ve explored behaviors often exhibited by those who see themselves as kind.
It’s worth asking these following questions:
- Do they respect people’s boundaries?
- Do they normally practice gratitude?
- Are they patient with others as much as they’re patient with themselves?
Kindness is a journey, filled with highs and lows, but every step offers a chance to grow.
Don’t be like them and continue to be kind.
After all, true kindness is defined by actions, not words, and every day is an opportunity to be better.
Isn’t that what kindness is all about?
