Isabella Chase
There’s a pretty big link between our childhood experiences and how we act in our relationships as adults. For those of us who find it difficult to assert ourselves in relationships, the roots often trace back to our upbringing.
Being able to assert yourself is often necessary in life, and if you can’t do it, life ends up being much more difficult than it needs to be.
Sometimes, it takes peering back into our early years to find the root cause of why we are the way we are. It’s not always going to be the same for everyone – but patterns certainly do exist.
In this article, we’re going to explore the seven typical experiences shared by people who struggle with asserting themselves in relationships.
1) Experiencing a lack of validation
For many, the struggle to assert oneself in relationships often starts during childhood.
Children who grow up in environments where their feelings, thoughts, and experiences are consistently dismissed or invalidated learn to suppress their authentic selves. They may start to believe that their perspectives do not matter or that expressing their needs will lead to rejection or conflict.
Science has shown the link between parental neglect in early childhood and negative outcomes later in life.
The learned behavior can carry into adulthood. It causes people to shy away from asserting themselves in their relationships. They would rather stay silent, agreeable, or even suffer in silence than confront the fear of being invalidated again.
It’s crucial to understand that these patterns are learned responses to past experiences and not inherent personality traits.
Being able to recognize this is the first step towards breaking the cycle and learning healthier ways of asserting oneself in relationships.
2) Growing up in a conflict-averse household
In my own life, I can see how growing up in a conflict-averse environment impacted my ability to assert myself in relationships.
My parents were masters of avoiding confrontation. Any sign of disagreement or tension was quickly swept under the rug, replaced by forced smiles and a hasty change of subject. The message was clear: conflict was bad, harmony was good.
As I grew older and started forming my own relationships, I found myself mirroring this behavior. I avoided disagreements, stayed silent about my needs, and even agreed to things I didn’t want to do, all in the name of avoiding conflict.
It wasn’t until I recognized this pattern that I was able to start challenging it. It’s been a journey, but now I understand that healthy conflict is an essential part of any relationship, and asserting my needs doesn’t make me disagreeable – it makes me authentic and honest.
3) Being raised in an authoritarian household
Many people who struggle to assert themselves in relationships often trace their challenges back to an authoritarian upbringing. In these households, parents exercise high levels of control over their children, with little room for negotiation or compromise.
A study found that children raised in authoritarian households were more likely to become adults who struggled with expressing their needs and desires. This is because such environments often discourage open communication and encourage compliance without questioning.
In adult relationships, this can manifest as a difficulty in standing up for oneself, expressing personal needs, and setting boundaries. It’s a pattern that can be challenging to break, but understanding its roots is a vital first step.
4) Witnessing unhealthy relationship dynamics
We model what we see in our early life.
If the first thing we’re exposed to is dysfunctional relationships, where are we supposed to learn to have healthy ones?
For those who witnessed unhealthy dynamics growing up, such as one partner being overly dominant while the other was submissive, they might internalize these roles.
hey could subconsciously adopt the submissive role in their relationships, finding it challenging to assert themselves when necessary.
This is not a life sentence, though.
With awareness and effort, these patterns can be unlearned, and healthier relationship dynamics can be established. It’s all about recognizing the behavior, understanding where it comes from, and working towards change.
5) Feeling the need to be perfect
Growing up, I was always the ‘good kid’. The one who got straight A’s, never disobeyed and always aimed to please. On the surface, it seemed like a great trait to have. But underneath, it was a pressure cooker.
This need to be perfect extended into my relationships. I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, ensuring I never upset anyone, always being the ‘perfect’ partner or friend. But in doing so, I was suppressing my own needs and emotions.
Over time, I realized that nobody is perfect and that it’s okay to disappoint others sometimes. It’s okay to assert myself, voice my opinions and stand my ground if I disagree with something. It’s an ongoing journey, but every day I’m learning to let go of perfection and embrace authenticity in my relationships.
6) Experiencing emotional neglect
Emotional neglect during childhood can really impact our ability to assert ourselves in relationships later in life.
When a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored or unmet, they might learn to suppress their emotions and needs. They might believe that their feelings are unimportant or even burdensome to others.
This learned behavior can carry over into adulthood, causing an individual to struggle with expressing their needs and emotions in their relationships. They might fear being a burden or causing inconvenience, leading to a pattern of self-sacrifice and avoidance of confrontation.
However, understanding this link between emotional neglect and difficulty asserting oneself can be a powerful tool for change. It allows for the unlearning of harmful patterns and the cultivation of healthier communication habits.
7) Living with unpredictable caregivers
Growing up with unpredictable caregivers can have a lasting impact on a person’s ability to assert themselves in relationships.
When a child can’t predict a caregiver’s reaction – whether they’ll be met with warmth or hostility, they learn to tread carefully. They might suppress their feelings, needs, and desires in an attempt to maintain peace and avoid triggering negative responses.
This coping mechanism can seep into adulthood, making it challenging for individuals to express themselves openly and assertively in their relationships.
It’s important to remember, though, that such patterns can be unlearned.
Final thoughts: Breaking free from early childhood
It isn’t news that our early childhood experiences shape who we are.
Developmental psychology has proven that beyond measure. And while it’s clear that our formative experiences mold who we are, it doesn’t mean we have to be stuck like that forever.
