People who never seem to find lasting love often display these 8 self-sabotaging behaviors

We all know the saying, “Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you.” But what if I told you that some of us are unknowingly driving love away?

As a relationship coach who has worked with countless couples, I’ve noticed that some people, despite their longing for a lasting relationship, consistently fall into patterns that push love away.

Let’s look at some of the behaviors that could be standing between you and your happily ever after.

1) Fear of commitment

We’ve all seen it or experienced it ourselves – that creeping fear as things start to get serious in a relationship.

It’s a common scenario. A relationship starts off well, everything seems perfect, but as soon as things start to get serious, panic sets in. Suddenly, the person who was once head-over-heels in love starts pulling away.

Why does this happen? It could be due to past heartbreaks, fear of losing independence, or simply the fear of the unknown.

Regardless of the reason, this fear often leads to self-sabotaging behaviors such as distancing oneself from their partner or ending the relationship prematurely.

Acknowledging this fear is the first step towards overcoming it. Know that it’s okay to be afraid, but don’t let that fear dictate your actions.

The truth is, lasting love requires commitment. Don’t let your fear rob you of a chance at happiness.

2) Not believing in oneself

One of the biggest hurdles in finding lasting love that I’ve seen is a lack of self-belief.

When people don’t believe they’re worthy of love, they often act in ways that confirm this belief. They might settle for less than they deserve, sabotage potentially successful relationships, or avoid dating altogether.

Remember what the great Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It’s a truth I’ve found to be profound in the realm of love.

When you start to believe in yourself and realize you’re deserving of love, your behavior changes. You become more open to opportunities, more willing to take risks, and less likely to sabotage your own happiness.

So start by working on that self-belief. Because you are worthy of love, and don’t let anyone – especially yourself – tell you otherwise.

3) Falling into the trap of codependency

From personal experience and my years of working one-on-one with clients, I’ve found that codependency can be a huge roadblock to lasting love.

When you rely on another person for your happiness or self-worth, it’s a recipe for disaster. Relationships should be about mutual support and growth, not complete dependence.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deep into the causes and effects of codependency, and offer practical advice on how to break free from this self-sabotaging behavior.

Overcoming codependency starts with recognizing and breaking the patterns that keep you stuck. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort.

Remember, you are responsible for your own happiness — your relationships don’t define you. Break free from codependency and open yourself up to the possibility of true, lasting love.

4) Over-idealizing “The One”

Now, this might sound a bit counterintuitive. After all, aren’t we all on the quest to find our soulmate, our perfect match, our “One”?

But over-idealizing “The One” can actually be detrimental to finding lasting love.

When we fixate on the idea of finding that one perfect person who ticks all our boxes, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. No one is perfect, and no relationship is without its challenges.

This doesn’t mean you should settle for less than you deserve. But it does mean recognizing that everyone has flaws, relationships take work, and sometimes, “The One” might not look like what you envisioned.

At the end of the day, love isn’t about finding the perfect person. It’s about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Let go of your rigid expectations and open your heart to the beautiful, messy reality of love.

5) Ignoring red flags

I’ve seen many clients who, in their quest for love, choose to ignore the red flags that pop up early in a relationship.

We’ve all been there. It’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new relationship, and in doing so, we sometimes overlook behaviors or traits that could spell trouble down the line.

Whether it’s constant lateness, lack of respect, or an inability to communicate effectively, these red flags should never be ignored. They’re often indicators of bigger issues that, if not addressed, could lead to heartbreak.

In my own journey and the journeys of my clients, I’ve realized that paying attention to these signals early on can save a lot of pain in the future. Lasting love is built on respect and understanding. So don’t compromise on these non-negotiables.

6) Refusing to heal past wounds

This is a tough one, something many of us would rather ignore. But it’s time for some hard truths.

We all carry baggage from our past – old wounds, unresolved issues, unhealed heartbreaks. And all too often, these past pains become obstacles in our quest for lasting love.

It’s not easy to face these demons. It takes courage to delve into the parts of ourselves that we’d rather keep hidden. But as your relationship guide, I can tell you that ignoring these wounds won’t make them disappear.

Instead, they’ll rear their heads in your relationships, causing you to react in ways that might push love away.

Addressing and healing these past hurts is key to finding and maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s a journey of self-discovery and healing that can be tough, but is ultimately rewarding.

Remember, you can’t offer your best self to someone else until you’ve made peace with your own past. So take that brave step towards healing. It’s a crucial part of your journey to lasting love.

7) Avoiding vulnerability

Being vulnerable can be downright scary. Trust me, I know. In my own personal journey, I’ve learned that opening up is one of the most challenging parts of building a meaningful connection.

It’s human to fear rejection or judgment. But when we let these fears dictate our actions, we end up building walls around ourselves. And these walls can prevent us from experiencing deep and lasting love.

As the renowned researcher Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”

True intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires us to let our guards down and share our true selves – with all our strengths, weaknesses, fears, and dreams.

So don’t shy away from vulnerability. Embrace it. It’s the gateway to genuine connection and lasting love.

8) Staying in the comfort zone

Let’s get real for a moment. Comfort zones are, well, comfortable. They’re safe, familiar, and free from the risk of heartbreak. But here’s the hard truth: your perfect match isn’t likely to come knocking on your door while you’re hiding in your comfort zone.

Love often requires us to step out into the unknown. It compels us to take risks, face our fears, and sometimes, endure pain.

I’ve seen many people choose to stay in unhappy relationships or shy away from dating entirely just because it’s easier than facing the uncertainties that come with seeking love.

But remember, nothing worth having comes easy. Love is no exception.

So take that leap of faith. Step out of your comfort zone. Only then will you open yourself up to the possibility of finding the love that you truly desire and deserve.

Opening up the path to lasting love

In conclusion, finding lasting love often requires us to tackle our self-sabotaging behaviors head-on. It’s about acknowledging our fears, healing our past wounds, and stepping out of our comfort zones.

As your trusted relationship expert, I can assure you that the journey is well worth it. Love, real and lasting, is an incredible experience, and you deserve to have it in your life.

For those of you who are struggling with codependency in your relationships, I highly recommend checking out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s a practical guide that can help you break free from this self-sabotaging behavior and pave the way for healthier relationships.

Remember, the journey to lasting love starts with you. So don’t be afraid to face your fears, learn from your past, and take that leap into the unknown. You’re stronger than you think, and love is closer than you might believe.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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