People who never felt truly loved as children usually display these 10 behaviors later in life

There’s a profound link between childhood experiences and adult behaviors.

Especially in cases where love and affection were lacking, the effects often ripple into adulthood, steering the way individuals behave and interact.

Childhood is the foundation of life, and when that base misses the vital component of love, it’s no surprise that its absence echoes in the adult years.

This article will explore ten typical behaviors exhibited by those who grew up without feeling truly loved. 

Let’s get started.

1) Struggle with trust

One of the classic behaviors seen in adults who didn’t feel loved as children is a profound struggle to trust others.

This struggle is not surprising. Childhood is a critical time for learning about relationships and setting the groundwork for future interactions. When that foundation is shaky or missing critical elements like love and trust, it’s no wonder that these individuals find it hard to trust others as adults.

Renowned psychologist Erik Erikson emphasized the role of trust in his stages of psychosocial development. He said, “Basic trust vs. basic mistrust is the first stage of psychosocial development.”

This stage, according to Erikson, occurs in the first year of life, where the child learns whether or not they can trust the world around them based on their caregiver’s reliability and quality of care.

When a child does not feel truly loved, they fail to develop this basic trust, which often leads to difficulties trusting others in adulthood. 

2) Craving for constant validation

A second common behavior for those who didn’t feel loved during their childhood is a desperate craving for validation.

Growing up, I had a friend, let’s call her Jane. Jane was always the one seeking approval and reassurance from others. She could never make a decision without asking for feedback and often doubted her abilities. It was later, as adults, that she shared her story of growing up in a home where her achievements were never celebrated, and feelings of love were scarce.

Jane’s behavior aligns with what psychologist Abraham Maslow identified in his hierarchy of needs. He stated that after our basic physiological needs and safety, we seek love and belonging. Failing to meet these needs during childhood can lead to an insatiable desire for validation in adulthood.

This need for validation, while understandable, can be distressing for the individual. Recognizing it as a common response to a lack of love during childhood can help in developing strategies to cope with it.

3) Difficulty forming close relationships

Raw, honest truth: those who never felt truly loved as children often grapple with forming deep, meaningful relationships in adulthood. Feelings of unworthiness and a deep-seated fear of rejection can make them hold back from getting too close to others.

Psychologist John Bowlby, known for his work on attachment theory, once said, “What cannot be communicated to the [mother] cannot be communicated to the self.” In other words, if a child can’t communicate their emotions and receive love and understanding in return, they may struggle to understand their own emotions and needs. This can significantly hamper their ability to form close relationships with others.

The struggle is real and deeply ingrained. But understanding this behavior is the first step towards healing and forming healthier relationships.

4) Tendency to be overly independent

Another characteristic commonly observed in those who didn’t feel loved as children is an excessive streak of independence. It’s as if they’ve concluded that relying on others only leads to disappointment.

I’ve seen this in action. A colleague of mine, ever the lone wolf, always insisting on handling tasks alone, refusing assistance even when it was clearly needed. He later revealed his difficult childhood, filled with neglect and a lack of emotional warmth.

This behavior can be traced back to the theories of psychologist Carl Rogers, who believed that our self-concept is formed through interaction with others. He remarked, “What we think we become.” When children feel unloved, they may believe they are unworthy of assistance or dependability from others, leading them to become fiercely independent adults.

5) Overly pleasing others

Ironically, those who never felt truly loved as children may sometimes go to great lengths to please others. It’s counterintuitive, but deeply rooted in their longing for the love and acceptance they never received as children.

Famous psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.” For those who never felt loved as children, they may seek to protect themselves from further suffering by trying to please everyone around them.

In their quest to be loved, they might find themselves neglecting their own needs and desires. It’s a heavy burden to carry, but with awareness and understanding, this pattern can be broken.

6) Prone to self-sabotage

A somewhat unsettling behavior in those who didn’t feel loved as children is a tendency towards self-sabotage. This could manifest as procrastination, self-destructive habits, or consistently making poor choices.

This behavior is deeply connected to their self-esteem. Psychologist Albert Ellis, known for developing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), believed that our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors. He stated, “People don’t just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness.”

When children grow up feeling unloved, they may develop negative beliefs about themselves and their worth, which could lead to self-sabotaging behavior in adulthood.

By understanding this, we can begin to empathize with their struggles and support them as they work towards healthier patterns of behavior.

7) Extreme sensitivity to criticism

One behavior I’ve noticed in those who didn’t feel loved as children is a heightened sensitivity to criticism. Even the mildest feedback can be perceived as harsh and personal.

A friend of mine, who had a tough childhood with little affection, would shut down at the slightest hint of criticism. It wasn’t about being defensive; it was more about feeling deeply hurt.

Carl Jung, a prominent psychologist, said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” For those who grew up feeling unloved, criticism may stir up feelings of inadequacy and rejection from their past.

8) Fear of abandonment

Let’s get raw and honest: A fear of abandonment often haunts those who didn’t feel loved as children. They may constantly worry that people they care about will leave them, reflecting the emotional abandonment they felt in their childhood.

Famed psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” This fear of abandonment is one such ugly way that unexpressed emotions from childhood can manifest in adulthood.

It’s a deeply ingrained fear, but understanding its roots can be a significant first step towards healing and building healthier relationships.

9) Overly critical of self and others

Interestingly, those who didn’t feel loved as children can often be overly critical of themselves and others. It seems counterintuitive, but it’s a defense mechanism, a way of trying to regain control over the pain they felt as children.

Psychologist Carl Rogers, known for his person-centered approach, noted that “What is most personal is most universal.” These individuals’ tendency to be overly critical may stem from their personal experiences of feeling judged or unloved during their formative years.

10) Difficulty expressing emotions

Lastly, and somewhat personally for me, those who never felt loved as children often have difficulty expressing their emotions. They might suppress their feelings or struggle to identify what they’re feeling.

I’ve experienced this firsthand. My aunt, who grew up in a cold, unloving environment, often found it hard to express her feelings. This struggle was evident in her interactions and relationships.

When children don’t feel loved, they miss out on learning how to effectively communicate their emotions, which can lead to emotional struggles in adulthood.

Understanding this can help us approach these individuals with patience and empathy as they learn to express their emotions.