Adrian Volenik
A tough childhood can definitely leave a mark on a person. From trust issues to people-pleasing, individuals can develop many characteristics that can damage their relationships with other people.
But to get better, you need to face the problem head-on and be aware of what adverse effects a lousy childhood can have on you.
For that reason, we’re explaining what traits people who had unhappy childhoods display.
1) Low self-esteem
When your parents constantly ignore your achievements or persistently criticize you, it can chip away at your sense of self-worth.
You find it hard to see your strengths, leading to endless self-doubt and a negative self-view.
When children consistently hear criticism about their appearance, behavior, or choices from a parent, they start internalizing these complaints, leading to low self-esteem and a persistent belief that they’re not good enough.
It also leads to rebellion. In some, it lasts a lifetime.
Many parents are unhinged in their critiques and love comparing their kids to other, more successful ones. I know my parents did this all the time.
They don’t seem to understand the negative effects it can have on your self-esteem and how it can lead to constant approval-seeking in the future.
2) Approval-seeking
The desire for approval becomes a driving force for those who faced criticism or neglect in childhood.
Seeking external validation becomes a way to fill the void left by a lack of positive reinforcement during formative years.
But it’s not all negative. For example, someone who had an unhappy childhood filled with criticism might develop a relentless drive for success in their career.
The need for external validation drives them to find validation through professional achievements, as positive feedback at work replaces childhood praise.
3) Trust issues
Going through betrayal or inconsistency in childhood relationships can also create lasting trust issues.
You find it difficult to believe that others truly care about you. This makes you constantly question the intentions and motives of people in your social circle.
It casts a shadow over your relationships as you just can’t feel secure enough to relax around others.
It can also be frustrating for others, especially romantic partners who want to take your relationship to another level.
4) Fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonment comes from feeling neglected or left alone in childhood. It’s this intense worry that the people you care about might suddenly leave you.
When someone has this fear, they act clingy and always look for reassurance to ease their anxiety about being abandoned.
It’s also not just about physical separation. It means being afraid that people might emotionally distance themselves.
This fear really messes with relationships, affecting how someone behaves and the choices they make, all in an attempt to avoid feeling left behind.
5) Difficulty forming relationships
Basically, all of the things I mention on this list lead to the person who had an unhappy childhood having difficulty forming relationships.
You see when you’re afraid of being vulnerable and have had rocky relationships before, you become guarded.
You can’t open up and form deep connections with others. The fear of getting hurt again makes you keep your emotions and true self under wraps, creating a real barrier to meaningful relationships.
So, you need to gradually open up to trusted people because vulnerability is a key element in building deep, noteworthy bonds.
6) People-pleasing
People-pleasing is like a habit some folks pick up when their childhoods were tough. Imagine growing up where you didn’t get much approval or attention.
So, to fill that gap, you start doing everything you can to make others happy, even if it means ignoring what you need.
It comes from a fear of being rejected or criticized, something they might have faced a lot in the past.
So, they end up doing things they might not want to, just to keep things smooth and get a thumbs up from others.
7) Avoidance of conflict
Avoiding conflict often comes from past experiences where arguments turned really bad. If your early years were filled with instability or chaos, you might hate the idea of conflicts because they could bring back those tough feelings.
Steering clear of conflict becomes a way to protect yourself and keep things stable. You go out of your way to avoid arguments, even if it means ignoring your own needs.
Let’s see an example:
Sarah, who had a turbulent childhood with frequent arguments between her parents, is now in a relationship.
When her partner does something that upsets her, she avoids bringing it up to avoid a potential argument.
Sarah learned from her childhood that conflicts can escalate into chaos. As a result, she suppresses her feelings and avoids expressing her concerns to maintain a sense of stability in her current relationship.
If things like this go unchecked, do you think Sarah will ever be happy in her relationship?
8) Emotional numbness
When people go through unhappy childhoods, they might develop a way of dealing with their emotions in the form of emotional numbness.
During their early years, they unconsciously suppress their emotions to protect themselves from overwhelming feelings or neglect.
For example, a person with emotional numbness can’t show love or affection to their family and friends even though they care deeply about them.
Or when something terrible happens to them, like the loss of a loved one, someone with emotional numbness may appear unaffected because they struggle to express grief.
9) Difficulty setting boundaries
If you had a tough childhood, another thing that might be hard for you is to set boundaries as an adult.
If your boundaries weren’t respected or understood when you were young, you struggle to say “no” or express your needs in different areas of your life.
This struggle often comes from not knowing how to draw the line between what’s okay and what’s not. It can affect relationships, work, and more.
But with some support, like therapy, you can learn to set clear boundaries, making life more balanced and relationships healthier.
10) Self-sabotage
Another thing that happens when you’ve had a tough childhood is that sometimes you’re scared of success or, deep down, believe you don’t deserve it.
This fear or feeling of unworthiness can make you unintentionally mess up your own chances of doing well.
You’re basically putting roadblocks in your way, stopping yourself from reaching your goals because of these hidden fears and beliefs.
Working on changing these thoughts can help you stop holding yourself back. In other words, you must recognize and challenge these negative patterns to promote a healthier mindset and gradually allow yourself to embrace and pursue success without fear of reprisal.
11) Dependence on substances
Sometimes, people who had tough childhoods turn to substances like drugs or alcohol to deal with the pain from their past.
It’s their way of escaping or numbing the bad feelings. They use these substances to feel better temporarily, especially when they’re struggling with memories or emotions linked to their difficult upbringing.
If you want to stop the cycle, you need to untangle the knots from the past to create a more positive and stable present.
12) Difficulty with intimacy
Growing up in a tough environment can make it hard to get close to people, especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
Expressing love and affection becomes a struggle if you didn’t see it much in your childhood.
Trust also becomes tricky if you’ve been let down before, making you keep your guard up to avoid getting hurt again.
That’s why being open about your true self feels scary because it means exposing your emotions. This fear acts like a barrier, making it almost impossible to form deep connections.
So, to protect yourself from potential pain, you keep a distance emotionally, which gives a sense of safety.
Plus, accepting love from others can be tricky, making you question if you even deserve it.
Final thoughts
Healing from a problematic childhood takes time. It involves recognizing what happened, being kind to yourself, and taking small, steady steps toward improvement.
It’s not an easy process and should involve therapy for emotional healing.
