Lucas Graham
In an ideal world, a child should be raised by two present and responsible parents.
But unfortunately, life doesn’t always play it the way we want it to.
Maybe that kid will end up with a dad who is never around.
Many will have a dad who is too busy with work, friends, partying, etc. to be a solid role model for them.
Or maybe the father will neglect his parental duties completely, abandoning his family and taking zero accountability.
Harsh I know, but the cases above aren’t all that uncommon.
The fact is, many, many people in life grow up without a strong father figure.
Hell, chances are, there are a few people in your vicinity right now who grew up without a good dad.
Some people overcome it, some adapt and become stronger, some regress… and some end up doing all of the above, over time.
I’m here to provide a bit of clarity.
In this article, I’ll walk you through some specific traits people who grew up without strong fathers tend to develop as adults.
Let’s get to it!
1) Independence and self-reliance
It’s great to have parents you can consistently depend on.
But not everyone has that luxury.
People who grew up without strong parental role models might have figured out prematurely that they couldn’t genuinely rely on anyone but themselves.
For love, affection, safety, and comfort, these people might have sought out alternative means to gain the feelings they were deprived of, a practice that naturally builds independence and self-reliance.
While independence is generally a good thing, particularly as an adult, it’s simply not fair for kids to have to take constant care of themselves.
I mean by definition, when you’re below 18, you’re a dependent. You should be able to behave accordingly.
2) Resilience
Not having a father figure to turn to might be painful growing up, but it can pay off later in life.
Eventually, you gain strong character and resilience.
Hardship in life is a given.
And many people will immediately turn to others to help them through these trials and tribulations, as they should.
But what if the people you consider your pillars of support are, for whatever reasons, inaccessible?
At the end of the day, being able to hold your own and bounce back from hardship is an incredibly invaluable asset.
Resilience, adaptability, and flexibility…. these are some of the rare traits people develop from less-than-ideal upbringings.
Not too shabby.
3) Empathy and compassion
I was at a bar last year when, on my second beer, I struck up a conversation with the guy seated beside me.
I learned that as his part-time gig, he mentored young, wayward men who grew up in troubled households.
I asked him what fuelled such an altruistic, admirable drive for him.
He answered without hesitation: “I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive dad who was never around, so I wanted to help those in similar situations.”
This isn’t a rare phenomenon.
When people go through an especially traumatic ordeal, they want to help those in similar circumstances.
In a nutshell, they gain empathy.
Experiencing the absence of a father figure can heighten one’s sensitivity to others going through similar challenges, which can lead to greater empathy, compassion, and in the case of my newly found friend, even leadership.
Trust me, having empathy will never go out of style.
4) Resent of others
Your formative years are when many of your core personality traits are developed.
Growing up with a negligent father can make you angst-ridden and resentful of the world.
I’ve been there.
My dad had me at a very young age, but rather than embrace his role as my father and guardian, he was constantly out drinking and womanizing.
Classic.
Though we have a better relationship these days since he has since expressed deep remorse for his past, the resentment I have towards him is still there; it’s dormant but easily triggered.
For many, this resentment and anger isn’t just reserved for their fathers but can extend to almost all forms and figures of authority.
They might instinctively relate authority with the inconsistent and careless parenting styles, that they grew up with, and therefore lash out.
You see, without a father’s stability, some may struggle with managing emotions and thus might experience inanimate bouts of anxiety or rage, without truly knowing why.
5) Need for validation
As a parent, giving your child regular validation and positive reinforcement is pretty much a non-negotiable.
It’s a shame that some parents, some fathers, are too preoccupied that they neglect to do so.
People who lacked validation and approval growing up will invariably subconsciously search for it later in life.
Being deprived of validation can be problematic for several reasons.
Firstly, you can end up consistently engaging in people-pleasing behaviors, sacrificing your dignity as a person trying to gain validation.
People-pleasing can negatively affect your relationships, your work life, and even your mental and physical health.
For instance, by people-pleasing, you can be more vulnerable to negative peer pressure and risky behaviors.
Maybe you’ll end up doing drugs and drinking in excess to fit in.
Maybe you’ll enter relationships with the wrong types of people; people who may give you the validation you want to hear initially, but ultimately aren’t good for you.
It’s not rocket science: How you grew up has a profound effect on the relationships you pursue later in life.
Speaking of which…
6) Erratic relationship patterns
Everyone’s a little different, everyone will have their own unique ways of compensating for what they unconsciously lacked growing up.
In the context of relationships, for instance, some people will end up seeking partners who fulfill a parental role for them.
They want to be taken care of, and value that in potential partners above all else, often overlooked things like a lack of compatibility or other red flags.
Other people avoid close relationships altogether, too fearful and closed off to the prospect of trusting and being intimate with another person.
My 40-year-old highly successful, career-driven sister grew up with the same negligent, philandering father I did… and sure enough, she has never in her life been in a serious, committed, romantic relationship.
And though many people will find my sister’s lack of romance in life at her age a bit odd, I get it completely.
