People who grew up with emotionally immature parents often display these 8 relationship behaviors

It’s fascinating, yet heartbreaking, how our upbringing can shape our adult relationships.

For some, growing up with emotionally immature parents can have lasting effects.

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit.

I’ve spent a lot of time studying how our childhood experiences influence our adult relationships.

In my research, I’ve found that people who were raised by emotionally immature parents often exhibit certain relationship behaviors.

These behaviors aren’t always negative, but they can serve as indicators of a challenging upbringing.

This doesn’t mean that if you recognize these behaviors in yourself or someone else, you or they are doomed to repeat past mistakes.

Awareness is the first step towards change.

In this article, I’m sharing 8 common relationship behaviors displayed by those who grew up with emotionally immature parents.

Let’s dive right in:

1) They struggle with emotional intimacy

One of the most common relationship behaviors seen in people who grew up with emotionally immature parents is a struggle with emotional intimacy.

This might not be immediately obvious.

They may be good at making friends and even at starting romantic relationships.

But when it comes to truly opening up and sharing their feelings, they may recoil.

Why is this?

Well, if emotional intimacy was lacking in their upbringing, they might not have learned how to handle the vulnerability that comes with it.

They might fear rejection, ridicule, or simply not being understood – all things they may have experienced in their childhood homes.

2) They might be overly independent

Another common behavior is an extreme sense of independence.

Now, being independent isn’t inherently a bad thing.

But in the context of a relationship, it can create walls and hinder connection.

I remember in my own experience, I was always the “strong” one, the “dependable” one.

I prided myself on not needing anyone else. Looking back, though, I can see how my emotionally immature parents influenced this behavior.

Growing up, I learned to rely on myself because my parents were inconsistent with their emotional availability.

This independence served me well in many ways, but it also created a barrier in my relationships. I had a hard time accepting help or support from others, even when I needed it.

It took me quite a while to understand that independence and vulnerability can coexist – and that admitting you need others isn’t a sign of weakness, but of strength. 

3) They may have a heightened fear of conflict

People who grew up with emotionally immature parents often develop a heightened fear of conflict. This isn’t surprising when you think about it.

If their parents were unable to handle disagreements in a mature, respectful way, conflict likely meant chaos, tension, or even danger.

These individuals might go to great lengths to avoid any kind of disagreement or argument, even when it’s necessary for resolving issues or setting boundaries in their relationships.

This fear can hinder open communication and lead to resentment over time.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore the Buddhist concept of “Right Speech”.

This principle encourages us to communicate truthfully and constructively, even when it’s difficult.

Adopting this mindset can help those with a fear of conflict start to view it as a tool for growth rather than something to be avoided at all costs.

4) They may struggle with setting boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any relationship.

They help us communicate our needs and expectations, and they protect our emotional and mental wellbeing.

However, for those raised by emotionally immature parents, setting and maintaining boundaries can be a real challenge.

Why?

In households with emotionally immature parents, children’s needs and boundaries are often dismissed or ignored.

As a result, these children grow up not knowing how to effectively communicate their needs or how to set boundaries in their relationships.

Psychologists suggest that one practical way to improve this is through assertiveness training.

This involves learning to express one’s feelings and needs in a direct, respectful manner. It’s about standing up for oneself without infringing on the rights of others.

Assertiveness training can provide the tools needed to establish healthy boundaries – an essential step towards building respectful, balanced relationships.

5) They might be overly responsible

It might seem counter-intuitive, but people who grew up with emotionally immature parents often take on a higher level of responsibility than is necessary or even healthy.

This is because, in their formative years, they may have had to step in and handle situations that their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t.

This can lead to a pattern of over-responsibility in their adult relationships.

They might feel the need to solve others’ problems, take on tasks that aren’t theirs to handle, or feel guilty when they aren’t able to “fix” everything.

While it’s admirable to want to help others, carrying too much responsibility can lead to burnout and resentment.

It’s important for those who identify with this behavior to learn that it’s okay – and necessary – to set limits on what they can do for others.

6) They may struggle with self-esteem

Self-esteem is a cornerstone of our mental and emotional well-being, and it plays a significant role in how we form and maintain relationships.

Unfortunately, those who grew up with emotionally immature parents often struggle with low self-esteem.

In such families, children’s feelings and thoughts might have been invalidated or dismissed regularly, leading the child to believe that they are less worthy or important.

This can carry over into adulthood, affecting their sense of self-worth in their relationships.

It’s important for individuals struggling with this to understand that their value is inherent and not dependent on others’ validation.

Therapy and counseling can be beneficial in rebuilding self-esteem and developing a healthier self-perception.

7) They might struggle with trust

Trust is a crucial component of any relationship.

But people who grew up with emotionally immature parents may find it difficult to trust others.

If their parents were unpredictable, unreliable, or dismissive, it’s understandable that trust could be an issue.

In my own journey, it was challenging to let others in and believe they wouldn’t let me down.

It took time, patience, and a lot of self-work to understand that not everyone would behave like my parents did.

One way to work through this is by taking small steps towards trust in low-risk situations.

It’s also helpful to remember that everyone is different and that past experiences don’t have to dictate future relationships.

8) They may exhibit a high level of anxiety

Anxiety is another common trait seen in those who grew up with emotionally immature parents.

This isn’t surprising when you consider the unstable, unpredictable environment they may have grown up in.

Living in a state of heightened alertness can become a habit that carries into adulthood.

This can manifest as an excessive worry about relationships, a fear of abandonment, or even social anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly helpful in managing this anxiety.

CBT teaches individuals to challenge and change their thought patterns, leading to changes in behavior and mood.

In reflecting on the behaviors often exhibited by those who grew up with emotionally immature parents, it’s crucial to remember that this isn’t about blaming or pointing fingers. It’s about understanding and empathy.

These behaviors are coping mechanisms, developed in response to a challenging environment. Recognizing them is the first step towards personal growth and healthier relationships.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I delve into the concept of mindfulness and how it can help us understand ourselves better.

It’s a tool that can be particularly helpful for those navigating the effects of a difficult upbringing.

It’s important to remember that we are not defined by our past.

We have the power to shape our future and our relationships. It takes courage to confront these behaviors and work towards change, but it is possible.