People who grew up with a narcissistic parent usually have these 7 traits as adults

Growing up with a narcissistic parent isn’t easy. It leaves a lot of scars and heartache that last years and years. 

It can shape who you become as an adult – sometimes in ways you wouldn’t expect.

In this article, we’re going to explore seven common traits that often surface in adults who’ve had this experience. It’s not about blame or judgment, but understanding and fostering growth.

So, let’s get started. Here are the seven traits that adults who grew up with a narcissistic parent usually have.

1) Hyper-awareness

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can often mean that you’re always on edge. You’re hyper-aware of their moods, their actions and their reactions.

This constant state of alertness often carries into adulthood. It’s as if you’ve been programmed to always be on the lookout for danger, even if there’s none around.

This hyper-awareness can manifest in different ways. For some, it might result in anxiety or stress disorders. For others, it might lead to being overly cautious or even a perfectionist.

It’s a survival mechanism that was necessary during childhood, but can be challenging to deal with as an adult.

2) Difficulty with boundaries

Having a narcissistic parent often means living in a world where boundaries are routinely crossed.

This can lead to a blurry understanding of what’s appropriate and what’s not in relationships.

As adults, this can manifest as either having too rigid boundaries, where you keep everyone at arm’s length to protect yourself.

Or, you may struggle to set any boundaries at all, letting people walk all over you because that’s what you were taught was normal.

3) Overly self-critical

I’ve seen this trait in several people who have had a narcissistic parent, and it’s a tough one. They tend to be overly self-critical.

It’s as if they’ve internalized the narcissistic parent’s constant demand for perfection and now hold themselves up to an impossible standard.

This can lead to a relentless drive to achieve and an inability to forgive oneself for mistakes. It’s like they’re constantly trying to prove their worth, even when no one is asking them to.

This self-critical habit can be exhausting. Recognizing it’s there is the first step towards learning to show oneself the same kindness and understanding we extend to others.

4) Mental toughness

It’s not all negative. One trait I’ve noticed in individuals who grew up with a narcissistic parent is a certain mental toughness. They’ve had to face challenges and adversity from an early age, and this has molded them into resilient adults.

It’s a kind of steeliness, a determination to not let past experiences define their future. They’re often the people who can keep their cool in a crisis, who can navigate difficult situations with grace and strength.

In fact, this is a trait I discuss in depth in my book, The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness. It’s about understanding how our experiences shape us and using that knowledge to build resilience.

So while growing up with a narcissistic parent is undoubtedly hard, it can also foster a mental toughness that serves well in adulthood.

5) Empathy overload

Despite growing up with a narcissistic parent who may have lacked empathy, many adults from these backgrounds develop an abundance of it.

It’s as if the absence of empathy in their childhood environment makes them hyper-aware of its importance. They often become highly attuned to the feelings of others and can be deeply compassionate and understanding.

However, this empathy overload can sometimes be overwhelming. It can lead to prioritizing others’ needs over their own and feeling responsible for others’ emotions.

It’s a beautiful trait, but one that needs to be balanced with self-care.

6) Struggle with self-identity

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means living in their shadow. Their needs, wants, and perspectives can overshadow everything else, leaving little room for you to develop a clear sense of self-identity.

As adults, this can lead to a struggle in knowing who you truly are. You might find yourself constantly seeking approval or validation from others, or defining your worth based on external achievements.

The key to overcoming this trait is to learn to trust in your own value and worth, independent of anyone else’s judgment or approval.

7) Fear of conflict

This is a trait I’ve seen quite often.

Adults who grew up with a narcissistic parent might develop a deep fear of conflict.

It’s as if they’re conditioned to avoid it at all costs, remembering the explosive reactions or cold indifference they experienced in their childhood.

This fear can hold them back in their relationships, their careers, even their personal growth. It can stop them from standing up for themselves, expressing their needs, or setting boundaries.

8) Desire for control

The final trait that often surfaces in adults who’ve grown up with a narcissistic parent is a strong desire for control.

This can be attributed to the unpredictable and chaotic environment they may have experienced in their childhood.

As adults, this need for control can manifest in various ways. It could be a meticulous attention to detail, a need to plan everything meticulously, or a struggle to delegate tasks.

While this trait can lead to great organization skills and self-discipline, it can also result in stress and anxiety when things don’t go according to plan. Recognizing this tendency is the first step towards finding a healthier balance.

Final thoughts

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can certainly leave its mark. But understanding these traits, recognizing them in yourself, can be a powerful tool for growth and transformation.

Don’t forget that these traits aren’t your destiny. They’re merely signposts, pointing to areas where you might need to focus your healing and growth.

And if you’re looking for practical strategies to build resilience and mental toughness, I invite you to check out my book The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness. It’s designed to help you turn adversity into strength, and challenges into opportunities for growth.

You’re not defined by your past. With understanding and resilience, you can shape a future that’s truly your own.