Roselle Umlas
We all complain about people and situations every now and then. I do it, you do it, and itโs just a way to vent our frustrations and process what we feel. Itโs a very natural part of being human.
But constant complaining isnโt. Thereโs a difference between the two, and itโs huge.
Constant complainers bring a world of negativity with them wherever they go. And it can get so bad that they can bring everyoneโs mood down.
What exactly makes them that way?
Today, letโs take a closer look โ here are 8 frustrating personality traits of people who constantly complain that can drive even the holiest among us crazy.
1) Pessimism
With a constant complainer, the first thing youโll notice is a pessimistic attitude. They just canโt see the good in anything.
โI canโt get all of this done within the week! This room is too cold/hot/small, etc.โ
Everything is either too much or not enough!
Even when things are going their way, theyโd zero in on whatโs wrong about it.
Itโs exhausting, really. Itโs the kind of energy no one wants to absorb.
If you have to deal with someone like this, it might help to think that they arenโt conscious of it. According to Psychology Today:
โSome people are genetically predisposed to be more negative than others. However, pessimism more often develops as a result of external circumstances, such as a bad breakup, job loss, injury, illness, or other trauma.โ
2) Black-and-white thinking
Constant complainers are also prone to black-and-white thinking. A person or situation is either good or bad, right or wrong. The glass is either full or empty (and in their case, itโs almost always empty).
And thatโs why itโs frustrating to deal with them. Because the world isnโt black and white. Thereโs a lot of nuance and gray areas to consider.
An all-or-nothing mindset limits them from understanding the world as it really is. And in effect, it limits them from handling challenges with grace.
On top of that, it stops them from seeing potential for change. In a chronic complainerโs mind, if somethingโs bad, itโs going to stay bad. Thereโs an element of helplessness in that kind of thinking.
Which also explains why they tend to have aโฆ
3) Victim mentality
I have a friend whoโs the perfect example of this. Nothing ever good happens to her. Life is always unfair. Thereโs nothing she can do to change it.
Or so she thinks. And in her mind, all she can do is rail against it.
The funny thing is, when I suggest a solution, she shoots it down. It got to a point where I realized she wasnโt really interested in fixing the problem because she had so internalized the idea that she was a victim.
This brings me to my next pointโฆ
4) Lack of problem-solving skills
Sometimes, chronic complainers complain because they donโt know what else to do. Sometimes, it comes down to a lack of problem-solving skills.
I do get that way sometimes. Iโve noticed that the times I complain are the times when Iโm stumped on how to fix an issue.
But for people who constantly complain, that helplessness is a permanent state. They donโt know what to do, and so theyโll just do the next, easiest thing in the world โ complain.
5) Resistance to change
This goes back to that mindset of โthe world is against meโ. And to that tendency to think in black and white.
The thought process goes somewhat like this: โThings have never gone my way. So why would I believe that anything can change? That things would be different this time?โ
Remember, theyโre โvictimsโ of an unfair world. So, they see little point in exploring new possibilities.
Their self-talk is defeatist and negative. It focuses on the many ways things can go wrong, rather than the many ways they can go right.
Itโs frustrating because how can you help someone who thinks that way, right? Changing oneโs mindset is an inside job โ we canโt do it for them.
6) Attention-seeking tendencies
Obviously, someone who constantly complains tends to love drama. Or at the very least, attention.
Complaining is actually a way for us to seek validation for how annoying or unfair our situation is. We want someone to agree with us and create an emotional connection with us.
Think about it โ havenโt you ever bonded with a co-worker by complaining about the boss?
And again, thatโs natural. Like I said earlier, complaining is a way for us to process our emotions.
But do it too often, and it becomes an obvious mission for attention. At some point, it gets to be too much and the complaining starts to push people away.
7) Poor communication skills
What else does constant complaining point to? Poor communication skills.
People who complain a lot often struggle with sharing their thoughts and feelings in a clear and constructive way.
Instead of saying exactly what’s wrong and how they’d like to fix it, they focus on what’s bad without offering solutions.
For instance, the friend I mentioned earlier would often complain about her job. Sheโd talk about the long hours and the low salary, but fail to see what she can do to fix that.
When I suggested talking to her boss about it, she brushed it away. Thereโs no use, she said, itโs not going to work.
And so the complaints went on.
The thing is, complaining isnโt constructive. Itโs purely emotional. And whatโs more, itโs not going to solve anything if you donโt balance it with logic and address the right people about it.
In the end, their complaints might just come across as noise rather than genuine requests for change or help.
8) Lack of gratitude
Finally โ and this probably comes as no surprise โ people who constantly complain are severely lacking in the gratitude department.
They mainly see what’s wrong, which makes it tough for them to notice what’s right.
This means they miss out on feeling happy about the little things in life. Without gratitude, everything looks negative to them.
Unfortunately, this makes their world seem smaller and sadder. Which then keeps them stuck in a loop of complaints. It really is a vicious cycle and kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How to deal with a constant complainer
I know itโs frustrating to be around someone who complains about every single thing in their lives. But the reality is, thereโll always be one or two chronic complainers we canโt run away from.
For me, Iโve found that the best way to handle them (when you canโt avoid them) is to extend them a little grace.
I acknowledge what theyโre saying. Not necessarily agreeing, but just acknowledging them with words like, โI seeโฆโ or โInterestingโฆโ
Sometimes, I redirect their attention by pointing out the good things, but generally, I donโt really set out to convince them. I understand that I canโt change them; all I can do is manage the situation.
If itโs someone whoโs really close to me, though, I do sit down and point it out to them gently. But again, I manage my expectations โ I can support them, but I canโt change them.
If all else fails, then feel free to detach and walk away, or at least take a breather. After all, youโve got to protect your own energy. You donโt want to get sucked into all that negativity and become a constant complainer yourself!
