Cat Harper
People who aren’t deeply committed to their relationship but won’t admit it usually display these 8 signs
Navigating a relationship can be a bit of a minefield, right?
When there are feelings involved, it’s never simple. What happens when the honeymoon is over and things don’t feel like they’re going so well?
Is it just the normal ups and downs of relationships setting in? Or is your partner less committed than you first thought?
If you’re asking yourself these questions, I’m sorry because I know it’s not fun to feel this way. And hopefully, I can help you out with some answers.
Having experienced my own relationship and observed those of my friends, I’ve put together a list of 8 signs that your partner might show if they’re not as deeply committed as you’d hoped, but won’t admit it.
If you recognize a lot of these signs in your partner, it might be time for some tough conversations.
1) They don’t want to talk about their feelings
In the early days of dating and getting to know one another, it’s pretty normal to keep things surface-level without going too deep.
However, once you progress past just dating, you’ll probably want to get to know each other on a deeper level. You might want to share your feelings more, and let your partner know what’s going on with you.
But your partner doesn’t seem so interested. They don’t want to talk about feelings or have deeper conversations and they’ll do whatever they can to avoid it.
This could be a sign your partner is emotionally unavailable. Or it might be a sign they aren’t deeply committed to the relationship, and they want to keep some emotional distance.
If they’re leaving you guessing about their true feelings, it’s not a good sign and something to note.
2) They avoid planning for the future
Imagine this: it’s a lazy Saturday and you’re hanging out with your partner. Excited about the future, you start to talk about some countries you’d like to visit together.
Their attitude changes in an instant and they start making jokes and distracting from the topic. And it’s not the first time you’ve noticed this happen when you try to talk about the future.
It’s like they’re totally avoiding talking about what lies ahead for both of you.
It could be a sign they’re not fully invested in building a life together.
3) They do their best to keep friends separate
Even when we get into a relationship, we should make sure to maintain our friendships, right?
Having friends outside of your relationship is healthy and important. But getting to know your partner’s friends is also important.
Have you noticed that you never seem to meet or hang out with your partner’s friends? It’s like they’re actively keeping them separate from your social circle.
My friend Anna dated a guy like this a few years back. Everything seemed great except he didn’t want her to get to know any of his friends. He was happy to meet hers but never invited her to do the same.
She later realized that she was way more committed to the relationship than he was. He kept her from his friends so that ending things with her would be less complicated when the time came.
The thing is: if your partner is keeping their friends separate it’s like there are compartments of their life that you’re not invited to. It’s often a sign they’re not all in on your relationship.
4) They’re not interested in quality time
We all know that spending time together is important for relationships but is your partner willing to spend quality time with you?
Quality time is all about giving your partner your undivided attention, as outlined by American psychologist Mark Travers Ph.D. It’s necessary for maintaining intimacy. It’s more than just watching TV whilst scrolling your phone at the same time.
Is your partner interested in spending quality time with you?
People who aren’t deeply committed to their relationships often avoid quality time. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll be happy to hang out and have fun together but not in a way where you have their undivided attention.
See if your partner is up for some quality time. If not, it might be a sign of their lack of commitment to the relationship.
5) They prioritize friends over the relationship
We’ve already talked about the importance of friendships outside of your romantic relationship but what if your partner constantly prioritizes those friendships over your relationship?
Imagine this: you and your partner have agreed to have a cozy Friday night, watching a movie together. You’re making the popcorn and getting ready to press play when they get a text.
“It’s one of the gang, they’re all headed for a spontaneous night out. Sorry, but I can’t miss this, let’s take a raincheck.”
If this is a once-off, you might understand. However, if you notice that your other half consistently chooses their friends over you, maybe you’re not their top priority.
Valuing their social life more than your relationship could mean they’re not fully invested.
6) They’re not fully open with you
Do you ever get the sense your partner isn’t being totally honest with you?
For a relationship to go the distance, both people need to be able to be honest and open with each other. This is more than just not lying, it’s about being vulnerable and showing up as your authentic selves.
Here’s the thing: this is no easy task. It’s scary and uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of others; a willingness to do it shows someone is deeply committed to the relationship.
This is not something that happens right away in a new relationship, it takes time. However, if you’ve been together for a while and you’re not seeing any signs of this, pay attention, it might be an indicator they’re not deeply committed to you or the relationship.
7) They keep their options open
My friend Michelle had been dating a great guy, Alan for about 3 months when I noticed she still had the Tinder app installed on her phone. I asked her about it.
“Oh well, you’ve got to keep your options open, right? I just match with a few people each week so that if things don’t work out with Alan, I have something to fall back on.”
Continuing to be active on dating apps is an extreme example but any signs that your other half is keeping their options open is not a good sign of their commitment to you.
Maybe they’re still following and messaging old flames on social media as if they’re still single. Or they could be flirting ‘innocently’ on nights out. They might purposely not mention, that they’re in a relationship when they meet new and attractive people.
Any sign that your partner is keeping their options open is not a good sign and needs to be addressed immediately.
8) They’re not proactively putting in effort with you
Do you ever get the feeling your partner just isn’t putting in the effort with you?
You might feel like it’s a one-sided relationship and if you stopped trying the whole thing would fall apart. But what counts as effort?
It’s true: effort is subjective however as outlined by family psychologist Greg Matos, broadly, there are two signs of effort in every relationship; initiation and consistency.
Do you find yourself constantly initiating plans and activities because your partner never takes the lead? And do you notice a lack of consistency with your partner in how they show up in the relationship? If so, then it’s clear there’s a lack of effort.
If they’re not showing much enthusiasm for your relationship, and it feels like you’re carrying the load, it’s about time you questioned their level of commitment.
The bottom line
How many of these signs do you recognize in your partner?
The truth is: people are complex and relationships are never black and white.
On one hand: There could be many reasons why someone might display one or two of these signs that have nothing to do with their level of commitment to the relationship.
However, on the other hand, if someone is showing a lot of the signs we’ve talked about and you’ve got a gut feeling about their level of commitment, it’s time to ask some tough questions.
You deserve answers and having an honest conversation with your partner is the best way to get them.
