People who are highly self-conscious often use these 16 phrases in a conversation

I was extremely self-conscious growing up. As a kid, Iā€™d look in the mirror and wonder if my ears looked strange or ask my mom if my voice sounded  really weird. 

I was overly concerned with what others thought of me and trying to achieve some ideal of appearance or ā€œcoolnessā€ which I believed existed. 

As Rohini Radhakrishnan explains:

ā€œSelf-consciousness is being preoccupied with oneself, especially with how others may perceive one’s appearance or actions.ā€

Imagine my shock after years and years to discover that the coolest thing of all is to be confident about who you are and be true to yourself.

Yet I admit that many of these phrases are ones Iā€™ve used in my time, and fellow self-conscious folks can likely relate as well.

Letā€™s dive in.

1) ā€œSorryā€

Thereā€™s nothing wrong with saying sorry. 

But saying sorry too often can become a compulsion and a way to undermine yourself. 

Those who say sorry all the time come across as having low self-esteem and being overly polite in a way that can sometimes feel insincere. 

Donā€™t say sorry for small things! 

2) ā€œSorry to bother youā€

This along the same lines as saying sorry too much:

Itā€™s just not necessary and is one of those verbal habits that weakens your position and makes you seem overly apologetic

Unless youā€™re asking a lot of someone while theyā€™re extremely busy, try to minimize how much you use this phrase. 

3) ā€œI keep messing upā€

This is something highly self-conscious people often say, because their attention is turned on themselves at high focus. 

If this is you, then you notice the times when you fall short very keenly. 

In reality, you likely donā€™t mess up more than most other people, which is why saying this too much only reinforces an unrealistically negative self-perception. 

4) ā€œI just canā€™t do anything rightā€

This is along the same lines as the previous phrase. 

Itā€™s a very discouraging sentiment to think about yourself, and while it may feel like this from time to time, itā€™s a phrase thatā€™s best to get rid of. 

Your inner critic is more than annoying enough without giving voice to it. 

5) ā€œWould you mind if Iā€¦?ā€

This is a very polite thing to say, but itā€™s also quite self-conscious in a disempowering way. 

It immediately gives all the power to the person youā€™re talking to, giving them any possible excuse to turn you down.

Itā€™s a good practice to try being more direct.

6) ā€œDo you think it would be possible forā€¦ā€

This is another version of ā€œwould you mindā€ and it puts you on the back foot right from the start. 

It indicates a lack of real belief and confidence in what youā€™re asking.

ā€œThis gives a clear direction to the recipient that you donā€™t honestly believe in what you are saying and gives them complete control of what happens next,ā€ notes Ryan Luke.

Bang on.

7) Do I look OK?ā€

Asking if you look good is something we all do from time to time. 

But folks who ask others about their appearance a lot tend to be highly self-conscious in a way which can become a burden. 

It not only makes others feel like they have to provide constant validation, but can make you feel worse and worse if you donā€™t believe that you really do look good.

8) ā€œDo they look better than me?ā€

When youā€™re quite self-conscious, asking if other people look ā€œcoolerā€ or better than you can happen quite a bit. 

Letā€™s be honest:

There will always be people of many different appearances and styles around. 

Comparing ourselves to a nebulous and ever-changing group of ā€œothers,ā€ for better or worse, is a losing game and distracts focus and wellbeing from our own life. 

9) ā€œDo you know what I mean?ā€

This can be a fair thing to ask, especially if somebody looks quite confused about what youā€™re saying. 

But when youā€™re very self-conscious this can be a reflexive and instinctive question. 

I used to tack it on the end of almost everything I said. 

The key is to trust that if somebody doesnā€™t know what you mean they will ask you.

10) ā€œSorry Iā€™m so emotional about thisā€

Donā€™t apologize for your emotions. 

Highly self-conscious people tend to feel bad for feeling bad. 

Donā€™t be this hard on yourself and let yourself off the hook a little bit. Youā€™re not a bad or weak person for feeling strongly about something. 

11) ā€œSorry Iā€™m talking so muchā€

Donā€™t apologize for talking a lot

Self-conscious people often do this, and the problem is that if you really are talking a lot, thereā€™s no sense in talking more by apologizing for it.

Just talk a bit less in that instanceā€¦

As award-winning behavioral strategist and Harvard-trained leadership coach ShadƩ Zahrai says

ā€œApologizing for talking detracts from your message. If you start to feel like youā€™re taking up a lot of stage time, simply pause and let the audience digest the information.ā€

12) ā€œIā€™m not an expert, butā€¦ā€

This statement is something that a person with quite self-conscious tendencies will often preface their thoughts withā€¦

But hereā€™s the thing:

You donā€™t need to be an expert for your opinion and thoughts to be worth something. 

Even being an expert doesnā€™t necessarily make somebody correct, even if it does add more weight to their words. 

13) ā€œI guess what I mean isā€¦ā€

The word ā€œguessā€ is quite a slippery word. 

If youā€™re quite self-conscious you may find it creeping into your lexicon in many ways. 

The truth is that it just dilutes whatever is said and usually adds a peppering of self-doubt and hesitancy to anything thatā€™s said. 

14) ā€œItā€™s just my opinionā€

This is a phrase that adds a hint of doubt to whatever has just been said. 

When youā€™re highly self-conscious itā€™s the kind of thing you say in order to not feel so much pressure. 

You said something brilliant, interesting, random, odd, who knows: 

But you make sure to add that itā€™s only an ā€œopinion,ā€ in order not to feel quite as pressured to stand behind your words if they turn out to be unpopular or cause a backlash. 

15) ā€œIt might be a bit weird to say, butā€¦ā€

It might be weird, it might not. 

But this phrase is very typical of a self-conscious individual who worries about how their words will be received. 

The fact is that even if you are worried your comments will be seen as weird, thereā€™s no need to reinforce it by adding this or putting the thought in peopleā€™s heads.

16) ā€œYou probably know a lot more than me about it, butā€¦ā€

This is not necessarily an accurate assumption. 

If youā€™re quite self-conscious, you may say this as a way to be gracious or to not overestimate yourself.

But whether or not somebody else knows more than you on a certain subject, itā€™s best to just find out instead of weakening your position right off the bat. 

Finding the good side of being self-conscious

There is a redeeming quality to being self-conscious:

The fact that it means you are highly self-aware. The key is simply to turn that self-awareness into empowering and useful action, rather than self-criticism and self-doubt. 

The high level of consciousness is there, now itā€™s just a matter of realizing that youā€™re much better than you realize and thereā€™s nothing wrong with you. 

As psychiatrist Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios advises:

ā€œTry to remind yourself that people arenā€™t thinking and talking about you like you think they areā€¦

“Challenge the way you think about yourself. Let yourself know that the world around you is not better than you.ā€

I was an overbearing parent pushing my kids to excel. The Chinese concept of Wu Wei showed me the power of backing off.

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