I was extremely self-conscious growing up. As a kid, Iād look in the mirror and wonder if my ears looked strange or ask my mom if my voice sounded really weird.
I was overly concerned with what others thought of me and trying to achieve some ideal of appearance or ācoolnessā which I believed existed.
As Rohini Radhakrishnan explains:
āSelf-consciousness is being preoccupied with oneself, especially with how others may perceive one’s appearance or actions.ā
Imagine my shock after years and years to discover that the coolest thing of all is to be confident about who you are and be true to yourself.
Yet I admit that many of these phrases are ones Iāve used in my time, and fellow self-conscious folks can likely relate as well.
Letās dive in.
1) āSorryā
Thereās nothing wrong with saying sorry.
But saying sorry too often can become a compulsion and a way to undermine yourself.
Those who say sorry all the time come across as having low self-esteem and being overly polite in a way that can sometimes feel insincere.
Donāt say sorry for small things!
2) āSorry to bother youā
This along the same lines as saying sorry too much:
Itās just not necessary and is one of those verbal habits that weakens your position and makes you seem overly apologetic.
Unless youāre asking a lot of someone while theyāre extremely busy, try to minimize how much you use this phrase.
3) āI keep messing upā
This is something highly self-conscious people often say, because their attention is turned on themselves at high focus.
If this is you, then you notice the times when you fall short very keenly.
In reality, you likely donāt mess up more than most other people, which is why saying this too much only reinforces an unrealistically negative self-perception.
4) āI just canāt do anything rightā
This is along the same lines as the previous phrase.
Itās a very discouraging sentiment to think about yourself, and while it may feel like this from time to time, itās a phrase thatās best to get rid of.
Your inner critic is more than annoying enough without giving voice to it.
5) āWould you mind if Iā¦?ā
This is a very polite thing to say, but itās also quite self-conscious in a disempowering way.
It immediately gives all the power to the person youāre talking to, giving them any possible excuse to turn you down.
Itās a good practice to try being more direct.
6) āDo you think it would be possible forā¦ā
This is another version of āwould you mindā and it puts you on the back foot right from the start.
It indicates a lack of real belief and confidence in what youāre asking.
āThis gives a clear direction to the recipient that you donāt honestly believe in what you are saying and gives them complete control of what happens next,ā notes Ryan Luke.
Bang on.
7) Do I look OK?ā
Asking if you look good is something we all do from time to time.
But folks who ask others about their appearance a lot tend to be highly self-conscious in a way which can become a burden.
It not only makes others feel like they have to provide constant validation, but can make you feel worse and worse if you donāt believe that you really do look good.
8) āDo they look better than me?ā
When youāre quite self-conscious, asking if other people look ācoolerā or better than you can happen quite a bit.
Letās be honest:
There will always be people of many different appearances and styles around.
Comparing ourselves to a nebulous and ever-changing group of āothers,ā for better or worse, is a losing game and distracts focus and wellbeing from our own life.
9) āDo you know what I mean?ā
This can be a fair thing to ask, especially if somebody looks quite confused about what youāre saying.
But when youāre very self-conscious this can be a reflexive and instinctive question.
I used to tack it on the end of almost everything I said.
The key is to trust that if somebody doesnāt know what you mean they will ask you.
10) āSorry Iām so emotional about thisā
Donāt apologize for your emotions.
Highly self-conscious people tend to feel bad for feeling bad.
Donāt be this hard on yourself and let yourself off the hook a little bit. Youāre not a bad or weak person for feeling strongly about something.
11) āSorry Iām talking so muchā
Donāt apologize for talking a lot.
Self-conscious people often do this, and the problem is that if you really are talking a lot, thereās no sense in talking more by apologizing for it.
Just talk a bit less in that instanceā¦
As award-winning behavioral strategist and Harvard-trained leadership coach ShadƩ Zahrai says:
āApologizing for talking detracts from your message. If you start to feel like youāre taking up a lot of stage time, simply pause and let the audience digest the information.ā
12) āIām not an expert, butā¦ā
This statement is something that a person with quite self-conscious tendencies will often preface their thoughts withā¦
But hereās the thing:
You donāt need to be an expert for your opinion and thoughts to be worth something.
Even being an expert doesnāt necessarily make somebody correct, even if it does add more weight to their words.
13) āI guess what I mean isā¦ā
The word āguessā is quite a slippery word.
If youāre quite self-conscious you may find it creeping into your lexicon in many ways.
The truth is that it just dilutes whatever is said and usually adds a peppering of self-doubt and hesitancy to anything thatās said.
14) āItās just my opinionā
This is a phrase that adds a hint of doubt to whatever has just been said.
When youāre highly self-conscious itās the kind of thing you say in order to not feel so much pressure.
You said something brilliant, interesting, random, odd, who knows:
But you make sure to add that itās only an āopinion,ā in order not to feel quite as pressured to stand behind your words if they turn out to be unpopular or cause a backlash.
15) āIt might be a bit weird to say, butā¦ā
It might be weird, it might not.
But this phrase is very typical of a self-conscious individual who worries about how their words will be received.
The fact is that even if you are worried your comments will be seen as weird, thereās no need to reinforce it by adding this or putting the thought in peopleās heads.
16) āYou probably know a lot more than me about it, butā¦ā
This is not necessarily an accurate assumption.
If youāre quite self-conscious, you may say this as a way to be gracious or to not overestimate yourself.
But whether or not somebody else knows more than you on a certain subject, itās best to just find out instead of weakening your position right off the bat.
Finding the good side of being self-conscious
There is a redeeming quality to being self-conscious:
The fact that it means you are highly self-aware. The key is simply to turn that self-awareness into empowering and useful action, rather than self-criticism and self-doubt.
The high level of consciousness is there, now itās just a matter of realizing that youāre much better than you realize and thereās nothing wrong with you.
As psychiatrist Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios advises:
āTry to remind yourself that people arenāt thinking and talking about you like you think they areā¦
“Challenge the way you think about yourself. Let yourself know that the world around you is not better than you.ā