Lachlan Brown
I’ve spent years researching psychology, self-improvement, and mindfulness. Along the way, I’ve noticed a peculiar trend: some of the friendliest, kindest folks out there can end up feeling completely alone.
If you’re thinking, “That’s me,” don’t worry—you’re far from alone. In fact, you might just be seeing some of the seven behaviors below without realizing it.
1. They Don’t Share Their Own Struggles
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
– Carl Rogers
So many genuinely nice people worry about “burdening” others with their problems. I remember a time when I was going through a rough patch trying to juggle two new websites and family obligations, but I didn’t mention it to anyone. I thought, “I don’t want to be a downer.”
Over time, this behavior isolates you because real connection often grows from shared vulnerabilities.
Carl Rogers, a famous American psychologist, believed that real connection starts when we’re honest about our own struggles.
By pretending everything is fine, nice people miss the deeper bond that comes from mutual understanding.
2. They Apologize All the Time
“A mistake is only a mistake if you don’t learn from it; once you learn from it, it becomes a lesson.”
– Anonymous (often attributed to various self-improvement authors)
Apologies are essential for genuine connections—when you truly mess up. But many kind souls overuse “I’m sorry” for situations they don’t even need to apologize for, like having an opinion or needing help themselves.
This can create an unintentional vibe that they’re not comfortable standing their ground, making deeper friendships harder to form.
I used to say “sorry” for everything, like having to reschedule a meeting even though it was unavoidable.
Over time, I realized that constant apologizing signaled to others that I didn’t value my own time or feelings, so why should they?
3. They Struggle to Say “No”
“People-pleasers often fear being disliked or rejected, which drives them to say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no.’”
A classic trait of nice folks is that they often feel guilty about turning anyone down. This leads to over-committing and eventually becoming too busy for meaningful connections.
Let me tell you, there was a period when I was working on Hack Spirit, responding to every single request that landed in my inbox (yes, every single one), even if it meant no time for coffee with friends.
If you can’t set boundaries, you wind up losing time for genuine, deeper connections—and that lonely feeling creeps in.
4. They Feel Awkward Asking for Help
“If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.”
– Booker T. Washington
Interestingly, many nice people love giving help but hate asking for it. They’ll volunteer on weekends, help a friend move, or listen to everyone’s problems—but they rarely let the roles reverse. According to psychologists, this is often tied to self-worth.
If you don’t feel you deserve someone else’s time or energy, you won’t seek support. My own mother used to say, “It’s a two-way street, Lachlan—you should let others be there for you sometimes.”
She was right. Helping others is noble, but letting them help you is how you build reciprocal friendships.
5. They Hide Strong Opinions
“We often hesitate to share our honest opinions because deep down we fear losing love and acceptance.”
Nice individuals sometimes stifle their strong opinions to avoid disagreements or tension. But healthy conflict is a normal part of real relationships—whether that’s friendship, family, or romantic.
When you agree with everything and everyone, people can’t figure out the real you. Back in the early days of building Hack Spirit, I used to hold back on strong takes about mindfulness and meditation. I worried it would put people off.
But the moment I started sharing my honest perspectives, I found a whole community of folks who resonated with those deeper insights.
Disagreement can actually bring you closer to like-minded people.
6. They Prioritize Everyone Else’s Needs First
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
– Old self-care adage
Nice people often see their own needs as an afterthought. Maybe you’ve experienced this: skipping your own rest day to help a coworker with their project or avoiding that precious downtime you needed. After a while, this self-neglect can spiral into burnout.
When you’re drained, you have little energy left for deep conversations or activities that truly connect you with others.
I recall a period in my life juggling the expansion of Small Business Bonfire and dealing with personal obligations—my own social life just crumbled because I had no energy left.
7. They Don’t Initiate Social Contact
“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”
– Mother Teresa
Sometimes being nice goes hand in hand with being passive in social situations. You might be waiting for others to text or invite you out. Part of this comes from not wanting to appear pushy or self-centered.
But most genuine friendships start with someone taking initiative—sending that message, planning that meet-up, making that phone call. In my early twenties, I assumed everyone was too busy for me.
Turns out, they were thinking the same thing, and we all stayed stuck in this polite standoff.
Once I started reaching out first, it was like flipping a switch. People responded warmly, and new friendships formed.
Wrapping Up
So, if you’re the kind of person who’s super nice but feels like you can’t pin down those close, meaningful friendships, it’s worth checking whether any of these behaviors ring a bell. Changing them isn’t about becoming a “worse” person—it’s about learning to value your own needs and opinions as much as you value everyone else’s.
Remember: genuine connection thrives on reciprocity, honesty, and sometimes even a bit of conflict. Embracing these ideas has allowed me to step beyond polite small talk and form true, lasting bonds with people who matter. Give it a shot—start with something small like initiating a coffee date or sharing one of your struggles. You might be surprised at how people respond. You deserve real connection, too.
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